Underdog Triumph

Writing Stories with Chat-GPT & Me: Where I feed a detailed prompt to Chat-GPT and get a story.

Chapter 1: New Beginnings

Lance, a studious senior at Redwood High with a penchant for science, walks the halls with his books clutched tight. He's a bright student, but socially awkward, often lost in his own world.

His routine changes when he stumbles upon Lara, a striking figure with a hidden life beyond the school walls. She was Redwood MMA Promotion's most dazzling ring girl, a secret kept from her high school peers.

"Hey, you're in my chemistry class, right?" Lara asked Lance one day, breaking the ice.

"Yeah, I'm Lance. I've seen you around," he replied, surprised by her approach.

"You really into this MMA stuff?" Lance asks, curiosity piqued.

"Yeah, it's thrilling! You should come watch sometime," Lara replies with an infectious enthusiasm.

"You seem different, Lance. Ever thought about trying something new, like MMA?" Lara asks, her eyes gleaming with challenge.

"I've never really thought about it," Lance admits, intrigued by her boldness.

Chapter 2: The Bully Emerges

Their friendship blossomed, but it drew the ire of Bryce, Lara's boyfriend and an upcoming MMA fighter. His pranks escalate from harmless to aggressive.

"You should steer clear of Lara, nerd," Bryce taunted.

Lance finds himself locked in the bathroom, his lunch tray knocked over, his patience tested.

Lara confronts Bryce, "Stop it, Bryce! Leave him alone!"

Bryce smirks, "He needs to learn his place, away from you."

Chapter 3: A Harsh Reality

The confrontations reach a boiling point when Bryce challenges Lance to a sparring match at the gym.

The gym falls silent as they step into the ring. Bryce's experience is evident. He unleashes a barrage of punches, each one landing with precision. Lance, inexperienced, struggles to defend himself. The match ends with Bryce executing a brutal choke, leaving Lance gasping for air and dignity.

Chapter 4: Seeking Guidance

Demoralized, Lance contemplates his next move. Fueled by a newfound determination, Lance sought the guidance of Coach Anderson, a former MMA champion known for his grappling prowess.

"I want to learn, to defend myself," Lance says, determination in his eyes.

"You've got heart, kid. Let's channel that into skill," Anderson said, recognizing Lance's potential.

Chapter 5: A Fighter's Journey

Months of grueling training followed. Lance's natural aptitude for strategy made him a formidable grappler, and he quickly racked up victories in regional MMA events.

Despite his success, Bryce's taunting persisted. Lance's frustration boiled over, leading to a bitter confrontation with Lara.

"Why did you have to come into my life? Everything was fine before!" Lance exclaimed.

"I'm sorry, Lance. Bryce is... complicated," Lara replied, hurt by his out burst. "I just wanted to be your friend, Lance. I can't control Bryce." She soon ended her tumultuous relationship with Bryce.

Chapter 6: The Rematch

The inevitable clash between Lance and Bryce became the talk of Redwood, culminating in a showdown at the Redwood MMA Annual Championship.

Lance enters the cage, calm yet alert. Bryce is all bravado, a sneer on his face.

The fight begins. Bryce is aggressive, but Lance's new skills shine. He counters with precision, grappling effectively. Bryce's confidence wavers.

The fight was intense, with both fighters exchanging blows. Bryce's striking prowess had Lance on the canvas four times, but Lance's resilience shone through.

"You can't beat me, Lance! Give up!" Bryce yelled as he dominated the stand-up exchange.

But Lance's moment came in the third round. Seizing an opportunity, he executed a flawless armbar, forcing Bryce to submit. The crowd erupted as Bryce's arm snapped, a poetic end to his reign of bullying.

"I did it for every kid who's ever been put down," Lance declared, standing victorious.

Chapter 7: New Beginnings

In the aftermath, Lance found Lara waiting for him. Their eyes met, a mix of pain, understanding, and respect passing between them.

"I'm sorry, Lara. I let anger blind me," Lance admitted.

"I know, Lance. I'm just glad you're okay," she replied, her voice soft.

In a moment of vulnerability, they embraced, their kiss sealing a new chapter in their lives.

Chapter 8: Love and Victory

Post-fight, Lance's reputation at school is forever changed. He's no longer just the smart kid; he's a fighter.

Lara approaches him. "You were amazing, Lance. You've changed so much."

"I did it for myself, but... also for you, Lara," Lance admits, his feelings surfacing.

Lara's eyes light up. "I've seen a side of you I never knew. I... I like it."

They share a tentative, yet profound kiss, their bond sealed in the throes of challenge and triumph.

Epilogue: A New Beginning

Graduation day. Lance and Lara, now a couple, prepare to embark on new journeys. Lance continues his MMA training, his passion ignited.

Lara smiles at him. "Who would've thought? The scholar and the fighter."

Lance grins back. "We make a pretty good team, don't we?"

Hand in hand, they step into a future filled with promise, their love and strength forged in the fires of adversity and courage.

Striking Courage

Writing Stories with Chat-GPT & Me: Where I feed a detailed prompt to Chat-GPT and get a story.

Chapter 1: Into the Fray

Jake, an unassuming high school senior, timidly enters the Prime MMA Gym. The clashing sounds of gloves and grunts fill the air. He watches in awe as fighters spar with a raw intensity.

"First time here?" Ariel's voice snaps him back to reality. A fighter in her twenties, her gaze is both fierce and friendly.

"Yeah, I'm Jake. Trying out the cardio kickboxing," he replies, nervously adjusting his gloves.

"I'm Ariel. If you need help, just shout. It's a friendly place," she says with a reassuring smile.

Chapter 2: Bonding Through Combat

Weeks pass, and Jake finds an unexpected friend in Ariel. Their bond grows as they train together, sharing laughs and learning from each other.

"Your left hook's improving, Jake. Just relax your shoulders more," Ariel advises, holding the pads.

"Thanks, Ariel. Never thought I'd be decent at this," Jake says, throwing another punch, feeling a bit more at ease.

Chapter 3: A Brutal Lesson

Jordan, a muscular, menacing fighter, confronts Jake after a session.

"Stay away from Ariel. This isn't a playground," Jordan's voice is laced with threat.

Ariel steps in, "Jordan, he's just training. Leave him alone."

Ignoring her, Jordan's aggression mounts, leading to a sparring session where Jake is clearly outclassed.

Jordan's punches are ruthless, each one a hammer blow. Jake's defense crumbles under the onslaught. A final, crushing choke leaves Jake gasping for air, consciousness slipping away.

Chapter 4: Confrontation and Reflection

Jake avoids the gym, his body bruised, his pride shattered. Ariel finds him sitting alone at school.

"Why did you even talk to me, Ariel? You and your world... it's just brought me pain," Jake's voice trembles with a mix of anger and hurt.

"Ariel, I don't need your pity or your protection!" Jake snaps, his frustration boiling over.

"I just wanted to be your friend, Jake. I didn't mean for any of this to happen," Ariel replies, her voice cracking.

She walks away, leaving Jake alone with his thoughts.

Chapter 5: A Fighter Reborn

Jake returns to the gym with a newfound resolve, diving into wrestling and jiu-jitsu.

He later finds Ariel in a shopping mall, her eyes hinting at unspoken troubles. They sit at a cafe.

"My family... it's complicated. Fighting is my escape," Ariel confesses, her eyes welling up.

"Ariel, I... I was wrong to lash out at you. I didn't understand," Jake admits, his voice sincere.

"I'm here, Jake. We'll get through this together," *Ariel says, her hand finding his.

Their moment is interrupted by a phone call from the gym - Jordan is challenging Jake to a rematch.

Chapter 6: Challenge Accepted

"Jordan, I'm not the same person you beat down. I'm ready for a real fight," Jake declares.

Jordan looks at him, a smirk playing on his lips, "You're on, kid."

Ariel, torn, watches from a distance, hope and fear mingling in her eyes.

Chapter 7: The Final Showdown

The arena buzzes as Jake and Jordan face off. Jordan's wrestling is formidable, but Jake's newfound grappling skills keep him in the fight. A powerful knee catches Jordan off guard.

Jake presses the advantage, his fists finding their mark time and again. As Jordan shoots for a takedown, Jake counters with a stunning knee to the jaw, sending Jordan crashing to the mat.

The crowd roars as Jake and Ariel embrace, their kiss a symbol of their triumph.

Epilogue: A New Beginning

Years later, Jake, now a seasoned fighter, stands victorious in the octagon. Ariel, his constant support, beams with pride.

"Ariel, you've been my coach, my friend, my love. Will you marry me?" Jake asks, kneeling in the octagon as the crowd held its breath.

She nods, tears of joy streaming down her face. "Yes, Jake, a thousand times yes!"

Their story, a blend of struggle, friendship, and love, resonates with everyone who dreams of rising above.

THE END

The Champion’s Legacy

Writing Stories with Chat-GPT & Me: Where I feed a detailed prompt to Chat-GPT and get a story.

In the serene town of Kent, Liam O'Sullivan and his wife Esmeralda had found a measure of peace. Their children, Patrick and Fiona, however, faced relentless bullying for their mixed Irish and Gypsy heritage.

One evening, Patrick approached his father. "Dad, teach me to box. I need to defend Fiona and myself."

Liam sighed, his eyes reflecting past battles. "Son, your fists won't solve this. Violence only begets more violence."

Esmeralda, witnessing the torment her children endured, had a different idea. One day, she took Patrick to London to meet her father, Viktor.

"Granddad, I don't know if I can do this," Patrick confessed, hesitant in the boxing ring.

Viktor, old but with eyes still sharp, shared Liam's story. "Your father overcame much through these skills. It's not about fighting, but standing up for oneself."

Motivated, Patrick trained with newfound determination. After months, he returned to Kent, stronger and more confident.

A dreadful day arrived when Patrick saw a group harassing Fiona. Initially, he tried diplomacy. "Leave her alone," he pleaded calmly.

But when they turned violent, Patrick's training kicked in. He defended himself and his sister, his punches swift and precise.

Liam, hearing of the incident, confronted Patrick. "You used your skills to fight?"

"Dad, you don't understand what we go through every day," Patrick retorted, frustration in his voice.

Liam realized his mistake and embraced his son. "I'm sorry, Patrick. I'll help you refine your skills."

Their new bond was tested when news arrived that Viktor had been mortally wounded in a ransacking of the Gypsy community, orchestrated by the Baron of Kent.

In London, Liam and Esmeralda found Viktor in his final moments. "Let the boy stand his ground, Liam. Boxing is more than fighting," Viktor whispered, passing away in peace.

At Viktor's grave, Esmeralda tearfully whispered, "You were always our strength, Father."

Fueled by a need for justice, Liam tracked down the assailants, learning of the Baron's involvement. Despite his injuries, Liam incapacitated them with a stoic fury.

Back in Kent, the Baron's son, Edward, challenged Patrick to a match. Despite the dirty tactics, Patrick used his father's teachings to emerge victorious.

Watching proudly, Liam stepped forward as the Baron challenged him next. "I may be injured, Baron, but I'd rather stand and lose honorably than live as a coward," Liam declared.

Esmeralda pulled Patrick aside, whispering, "Your father has a heart of a lion."

Despite his injured hand, Liam faced the Baron. Each round tested his limits, but encouragement from Patrick gave him strength. Employing Viktor's techniques, Liam turned the tide, defeating the Baron after a grueling 84 rounds.

As the Baron lay defeated, Liam advised sternly, "Ensure your son and his friends never trouble mine again. And compensate the Gypsies for your deeds."

Years passed, and the O'Sullivan family found contentment. Patrick, a respected prizefighter and beloved innkeeper, trained alongside his former adversary, Edward. Fiona dedicated her life to nursing, her compassion touching many.

The Baron, now a recluse, faithfully compensated the Gypsies for his misdeeds. The Gypsy community, resilient as ever, thrived once again, with Liam's family visiting often.

Liam, watching his son from afar, whispered, "Viktor, your legacy lives on. Our children have learned to stand tall."

In the heart of Kent, the O'Sullivan family's story became one of resilience, honor, and the unbreakable bond of family.

The Champion’s Redemption

Writing Stories with Chat-GPT & Me: Where I feed a detailed prompt to Chat-GPT and get a story.

In the tranquil seaside city of Kent, Liam O'Sullivan and Esmeralda had built a new life. Liam, now retired from prizefighting, owned a bustling local inn, "The Pugilist's Rest." Their days were filled with the salty sea breeze and the laughter of patrons, a stark contrast to the brutal rings where Liam once fought.

One evening, as the couple closed the inn, a well-dressed man approached them. He introduced himself as Reginald Smythe, an associate of Sir Edmund Blackwood.

"Liam O'Sullivan, I bring a challenge from London," Reginald declared, his eyes gleaming with contempt. "Sir Edmund demands satisfaction for his defeat."

Liam shook his head, "I'm done with that life, Mr. Smythe. I seek no quarrel with Sir Edmund."

Reginald sneered, "Afraid to lose, or has the Gypsy witch sapped your strength?"

Esmeralda stepped forward, fire in her eyes. "Watch your tongue, sir!"

Liam's fists clenched, but he remained composed. "Leave now, Mr. Smythe. I'll not be goaded."

But the provocation ate at Liam's soul. He decided to confront Reginald, accepting the challenge to put an end to this vendetta.

The fight was a brutal affair. Reginald fought dirty, employing tactics like headbutting and eye-gouging. Liam struggled against the onslaught. By the 44th round, his vision blurred, pain searing through his eyes.

Esmeralda, tears streaming down her face, threw in the towel. "Enough, Liam! I can't bear to see you like this!"

Reginald taunted him one last time, "Edmund's honor is restored!"

Liam, his pride wounded, sought solace in the Gypsy community. Viktor welcomed him back, saying, "We'll train you in the ways of old, Liam. You'll be stronger, smarter."

"Teach me to fight dirty, Viktor. He used eye gouges against me," Liam demanded.

Viktor shook his head sternly. "No, Liam. We fight with honor. You'll win the right way, or not at all."

Liam underwent a rigorous training regime, learning new techniques including wrestling and kicking. His body ached, but his determination never wavered.

Finally, Liam was ready. He challenged Reginald, but instead, he was offered a match against Reginald's porter, a giant of a man.

The porter was powerful, but Liam's new skills turned the tide. By the 58th round, the porter couldn't continue, and Liam was declared the victor.

In the days leading up to his fight with Reginald, Liam faced ambushes in dark alleys, but he overcame each one with his honed skills.

The day of the fight arrived. Reginald resorted to his underhanded tactics once more, but Liam was prepared. He countered with throws and kicks, wearing down his opponent.

After 66 grueling rounds, Liam landed a decisive blow, leaving Reginald blinded and unconscious.

"I need to find Edmund," Liam declared, standing over his defeated foe.

In Edmund's residence, Liam found a man defeated by life, a shadow of the fighter he once was.

"Edmund, why? Why send Reginald after me?" Liam asked.

Edmund looked up, his eyes hollow. "I never asked for revenge, Liam. Reginald acted on his own. After I lost to you, everyone turned their backs on me. I have nothing left but my peace."

Liam's anger faded, replaced by pity. "Can I help you, Edmund?"

Edmund smiled sadly. "No, Liam. I've found solace in my solitude. But I'm glad to see you well."

The two men shook hands, a gesture of mutual respect.

As Liam and Esmeralda prepared to leave, she whispered, "Liam, I believe we'll soon be three."

Liam's eyes widened with joy. They returned to Kent, their hearts full, ready to welcome a new life into their world of love and honor.

The Champion’s Heart

Writing Stories with Chat-GPT & Me: Where I feed a detailed prompt to Chat-GPT and get a story.

In the heart of 18th-century London, Liam O'Sullivan, a rugged Irishman with a spirit as fiery as his hair, navigated the cobbled streets. His journey from Ireland, marked by poverty and despair, had brought him to a land where disdain for his kind was commonplace.

"Another day, another pence, but not a shred of respect," Liam muttered to himself, his hands roughened by odd jobs that barely kept him afloat.

His only respite was found in the warmth of a Gypsy community, particularly in the company of Esmeralda, a young fortune teller whose wisdom belied her years.

"You've got more mettle than most men here, Liam," Esmeralda would often say, her eyes gleaming with unspoken affection.

One tumultuous night at a local inn changed everything. A burly Englishman, fueled by ale and disdain, taunted Liam.

"Go back to your land, Irish scum!" he bellowed.

Liam's response was a swift, powerful punch that sent the man sprawling across the floor, unconscious. The inn fell silent, eyes wide with shock and awe.

Esmeralda's father, Viktor, a former prizefighter, witnessed this and approached Liam the next day. "Son, you've got a gift. Let me train you," he offered, seeing potential in Liam's raw power.

Under Viktor's tutelage, Liam transformed. His fists became tools of precision, his movements a dance of controlled aggression. Fight after fight, he emerged victorious, his fame spreading like wildfire.

Yet, with fame came a growing rift. Liam found himself welcomed in circles that once shunned him, but at the cost of alienating those who had been his true friends.

Esmeralda confronted him one evening, her voice laced with hurt. "You've changed, Liam. These people, they only love what you can do for them, not who you are."

Liam, blinded by his newfound status, retorted, "And what would you know of success, Esmeralda? You spend your days reading palms in a caravan!"

The words hung heavy in the air, and with them, their friendship seemed to fracture.

As time passed, Liam's victories in the ring were met with lukewarm cheers, the fickle nature of fame becoming ever apparent. The hollow feeling of his supposed glory gnawed at him. 

In a moment of reflection, Liam realized the depth of his folly. He sought out the Gypsy community, his heart heavy with remorse.

"Esmeralda, I was a fool," he confessed, finding her outside her caravan one evening. "I let pride blind me to what truly matters."

Esmeralda, her hurt still raw, replied softly, "Your heart knew the truth, Liam. It just took your mind a while to catch up."

Their reconciliation was cut short by an upcoming title match - Champion of the World, against a fighter under royal patronage, Sir Edmund Blackwood. The fight was brutal, each round an ordeal.

Knocked to the ground repeatedly, Liam's resolve wavered. Then, in the crowd, he spotted Esmeralda. Her presence reignited the fire within him. With renewed vigor, he turned the tide, each punch a testament to his journey.

After 95 grueling rounds, Sir Edmund was unable to continue. Liam, battered but unbroken, was declared Champion of the World.

The crowd's cheers, once his sole desire, now meant little. He walked over to Esmeralda, his heart laid bare. "It was you, Esmeralda. In the darkest moments, it was the thought of you that kept me fighting."

Esmeralda stepped forward, her eyes reflecting the moonlight. "You were always a champion to us, Liam, but I'm glad the world sees it now."

Together, they rejoined the Gypsy community, celebrating not just a title, but a love and acceptance that was unconditional. Liam O'Sullivan, Champion of the World, had finally found where he truly belonged - not in the roaring crowds, but in the quiet, steadfast heart of his beloved Esmeralda.

An Open Letter to Myself, A Confidential Compilation (September 2023)

Note: All names have been changed for anonymity

Letter I: July 23, 2018

For most (if not all) of my life, I’ve struggled to maintain a positive outlook on things. I never really belonged with any group of people when starting school and, as a result, I didn’t make many friends. Perhaps I was one of those people who had few but very close friends as opposed to one of those who had many but just not as close. I was more or less an outcast. But that was only the beginning.

Because I couldn’t find myself a group to stick with, from kindergarten through high school, I found myself thinking that I didn’t belong anywhere. And because of that, I stopped seeking out the company of others. That was when I earned myself the label of introvert. Yes, I had a few select friends to hang out with or talk with, but most of the time I preferred to keep to myself. I think that took a turn when I started the first of my final two years of high school in Hong Kong.

  Junior year at HKHS marked as a turning point in my life. Owing to my lack of confidence and generally low self-esteem, I wasn’t really the type to draw the attention of people. Simply put, I could’ve easily disappeared into a crowd of 5 people (yes, 5) if I wished. I was nobody. But by the age of 17, I’d somehow captivated the attention of a 16-year-old Hong Kong student by the name of Clara. We met at the school orientation in September 2012 and started out as friends. Clara and I would continually exchange text messages when we weren’t together. We were close enough that she’d invited me to her 17th birthday party on November 17, 2012.

I didn’t make it to the birthday party. Why? On the night of November 15, I’d suffered my first seizure. I found myself waking up in the school’s infirmary, dizzy and confused. They were in the process of getting me into an ambulance. I was set to stay the night at the nearby hospital to be kept under observation. The following morning, outside of a phone call from my dorm neighbor, the first message I received was from Clara, asking how I was doing after having heard of last night’s debacle. Looking back, I’m glad she was concerned for me. But then again, later in the day, a lot of people from school posted on my social media wishing me to ‘get well soon’ and ‘feel better’. I would like to take this moment to thank them all.

Anyway, I was able to join with the party group after I was discharged from the hospital on November 17. I hugged Clara for the first time that same day after I shared a story about my grief on the passing of my Labrador and close friend. Truth be told, that was probably the first time I felt something for her. In this case, I mean something more than friendship. Funnily enough, on November 21, she asked me: “I want to know how you feel about me.” Now at this point, I know how I’m feeling but I just didn’t know the words to use. That was when I sought out the help of my then-roommate Izmail. I guess you could say that had it not been for Izmail, Clara and I would probably never have dated.

So yeah, Clara and I began a relationship. But there was only so much we could do since we were confined to boarding school and its bogus rules. December 1st of 2012 was the first time we officially went out. We hung out in the city, caught a movie, and finished our night at Times Square Hong Kong, where I was to take a cab back to school. Five and a half years later, I still look back fondly on our first kiss.

Clara and I were together from November 21, 2012 up until June 27, 2014 (although I guess she decided to break up with me before, can’t give an exact date on that). At first, I felt sad. Little did I know it would be the first step to my first bout of depression over our breakup. Sometimes it got to the point of me being unable to get out of bed or going to bed as early as 6 PM. In addition, I also lost control of my eating habits. At night, I’d sneak out to the nearby convenience store to buy bags of chips, bottles of sodas and occasionally some beer. I’d be stuffing my face at midnight or 1 in the morning.  

Later on, when I started university, the depression was joined by resentment. Eventually, it developed into a trifecta of depression, resentment and anger. Before that, I’d tried in vain to talk Clara into getting back with me only to be met with harsh words of rejection. To add to that, she also began talking about another guy at her university. That was when I became vengeful. One night on November 2014, I snapped and opted to break off all contact with her. Every social media platform, I erased every trace of her from my life. Later on, on April 2018, I made amends with Clara and you could say we’re back on good terms.

At university, I’d made myself some friends, surprisingly enough. With certainty I will say that my first friend at college was Brie the anime enthusiast and cosplayer. However, the current status of our friendship is in question. Regardless, the most prominent people in my first set of friends would most definitely be Mel and Flora. Mel had enrolled as 16-year-old college freshman out of high school. Even though she was 16, she was the designated driver among us (and yes, she did this without a license). Flora was about my age, having graduated from a school in Singapore, having studied there for almost half of her life. Others I will mention include Leon the Frenchman and Nick the cat-lover. Later on in my sophomore year, I would also befriend Paula, Nora and Val.

Naturally, having broken up with Clara after high school, I’d done some searching when I arrived at college. I’ve said it before and I won’t hesitate to say it again, Madison was my first crush in college. From her competence to the sound of her voice, I was actually crazy about her. My mistake? Advertising to pretty much everyone in the faculty my feelings. That was a lesson I later learned: Don’t always be so trusting of the ones around you. But I still couldn’t bring myself to tell her face-to-face. Sure, I’d given a few gestures (a rose for her after she’d won a competition to become the university’s MC), but that just wasn’t enough. My lack of confidence held me back. While she found out, followed by a crazy maelstrom of emotions (all of which were on my part), we have remained on good terms and I’m happy to say we’re still friends.   

But by then, I was also dealing with other issues. Months prior, my mom had been diagnosed with cancer for the fourth time. Still, she was fighting with my dad and sister by her side. Where was I? Too preoccupied with sulking in my own sorrow. Much so that I forgot that there were other people who needed me. In retrospect, I should’ve been there for her. In the last several weeks of my mom’s life, it took so much out of me having to watch her wither away. On the morning of February 24, 2015, at approximately 5:10 AM, my mom finally left. I was broken down, devastated. But of course, life goes on. We mourned her loss and we moved on.

During this time period, I was significantly struggling with my weight, despite having a personal trainer. I remember stepping on the scale on my first day at the gym to see 81.0 kg on the screen. I was clearly overweight with a fat percentage of 28%. I also remember telling my trainer that my target weight was 60 kg, no matter how long it took. But in the beginning, I was going in the wrong direction. By the end of my freshman year, after having paid a visit to Hong Kong for the first time in a year, I had peaked at a ghastly 85 kg. After being continuously teased and mocked by family friends for my physical stature, I decided that it was now or never.

I hit the gym five days a week, avoided high-carb and high-fat foods, and pretty much ate the equivalent of two meals a day: smoothie for breakfast, regular lunch, and protein bar for dinner. No matter how bad I’d want a double bacon cheeseburger, I would always remind myself that it wasn’t worth the weight gain. The protein bar diet did pay some dividends. Having begun my diet on August 2015 at approximately 84 kg, I was 71 kg by August 2016. People really did notice the progress I’d made and I thought that it was as low I could go. Boy, was I wrong indeed. Today, I refer to this period as “Phase 1”.  

Having shed 14 kg, I felt that I was allowed to resume my regular diet. Okay, I didn’t exactly go back to eating cheeseburgers or Chinese takeout every night but I did eat regular-sized portions for three meals a day. What I didn’t take into consideration was the quality of the foods I was eating. Because of that, I gained as much as 4 kg heading into 2017. Despite being cautious of what I ate during my internship at a newspaper from June to August 2017, this time was when I gained most of my weight. Beginning in February 2018, I began what I now refer to as “Phase 2” of my weight loss goal. I’d gone to my cousin’s wedding struggling to breathe in size 34 trousers. That same day, the scale had read 75.0 when I stepped onto it. I resumed my two-meal-a-day plan with some changes. This time, I would eat strictly two meals, breakfast and lunch only. As of July 2018, I weigh in at 59 kg. I can say that I’ve achieved my target weight, even if it took three years. Now I find myself able to wear size 30-32 pants. These past few months were perhaps the first time in my life where people have actually told me to eat more and that I was getting too skinny. Now whether or not they mean it, I don’t know. But it sure does feel good to hear it from others.

When the “I Have a Crush on Madison” ship had left port, I set my sights on another friend, Val. I was able to convince myself that I was in love with this girl, despite having known her for a total of three months by then. Her significant other, whom she is now back with, was (and still is) a full-blown tomboy. Still, I told myself that Val was the one. Long story short, I had a crush on her for half of 2016 before she went on exchange in South Korea in our junior year. Then it was just pretty much coming to an end. Whatever happened then, I’m just glad with the way things are now between us.  

During the first semester of my junior year in October 2016, I suffered another seizure. Apparently, this particular one warranted a prescription of Valium from my doctor. Ignoring the instructions, I took a pill every night before bedtime. As the Diazepam accumulated within me, I realized I was in another depression. At the time, I didn’t know that my medication was the cause of it. But boy, the depression really came at a bad time. Mel was dating this guy she’d met while working one summer at an ice-cream shop and Paula was talking with some guy from the accounting faculty. I was hit with the strong feeling of abandonment. Eventually though, after I ceased taking Valium, all of it began to fade away and I was feeling fine by the time 2017 rolled around.

In the first semester of my senior year, however, I realized that depression wasn’t far behind me. Around September 2017, Mel (having already broken up with the ice-cream shop guy) had begun to realize her orientation and decided to reciprocate the feelings Flora has had for her since our sophomore year. The day she told me, she was dropping me off at the gym. To be honest, I was completely taken by surprise. Simultaneously, I completely felt down. I did everything my PT instructed but I didn’t say a word. That same day, after seeing an ad on social media, I signed up for HarmonyHeal so that I had someone to voice my feelings to. After all, before this, Mel had been my one true confidant. But that part was over, forever changed. Mel found out about how I was feeling and it left her briefly conflicted. Before long, the two had started a relationship, meaning Mel and Flora. And whenever the two had a falling out, Mel would come in my direction seeking solace. At the time, I thought I was just the person to pick up the broken pieces between the two, the fucking crutch to lean on when everyone else had turned their backs on her. Looking back on it, I wasn’t sad because I had a crush on Mel, I was sad because of the change that was to come. And she only came to me because she trusted me. There’s no easy way to say this but our friendship has forever changed because of everything that’s happened. Not much I can do but make the most out of how things have turned out.

For a time during our final semester of senior year, I turned my attention to Paula. I just wanted to be away from Mel and Flora, even Val (who related well to the two). I’ll admit I was never as close to Paula and Nora as I had been with Mel and Flora; but I would’ve preferred to be with the former as opposed to the latter. Nevertheless, I truly enjoyed being in the company of Paula. My most favorite memory of her has to do with Hong Kong and JoyWorld. From time to time, I’ll go on my social media and look at the pictures I took with her during our 2017 trip to Hong Kong. I won’t lie, at some point I may have also been smitten with Paula. I’ve written pieces about her, not that she knows they’re about her. I have sent only one piece of prose to her; but that’s just one of many. Our paths have diverged now that we’ve finished university. I don’t know how many more times I’ll see her but I do know that I’m damn grateful for her presence in my life. No matter what happens between us, she will always be a great friend I’ve had the pleasure of having.

Which is why I’m talking in the first place. I’ve been a negative person for most of my life; just ask my dad, my sister, and my friends. I seem to find the dark even in the brightest of things. There’s always this urge to always dig up some dirt. They got married? Huh, she’s probably in for the money. They’re doing community work? Huh, publicity will get you places. You know what I mean. In the meantime, I would always complain about how things didn’t turn out a certain way.

For sure, there are many things in my life (and I’m sure in others’ lives) that didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to. You know how they say you’re in control of your own destiny? I beg to differ. While part of it may be true, you’re not always in control of the happenings around you. Example? Unreciprocated feelings. I could swim halfway across the world (in reality, I can’t) to prove my love only to find that the other party isn’t willing to do the same. You see, while I may be able to control my own feelings, I have no control over the feelings of another person. And ultimately, things play out differently.

Sometimes I wonder if one course action would’ve made the difference. Did I make a mistake in not calling? What if I’d told her how I felt instead of keeping quiet? My life has mostly been built up of “what-ifs” and “why-nots”. There are endless possibilities when you stop to think about it. I’ve come to realize that I’ve spent too much time wishing for certain things in life. Life is a far cry from perfect but there is still so much to love about it. Sometimes you just can’t force a certain outcome in life and you just have to roll along with it. Over the years, I’ve learned to appreciate every little thing out of every single situation. Furthermore, I’ve learned to live with every outcome. In my opinion, I believe life is about finding small things in every aspect that you learn to appreciate and just ultimately trying to make the most out of every possible situation life takes you, regardless of how much or how little you like it. Essentially, I can appreciate what I do have instead of focusing on what I don’t. When you learn to do this, you can ultimately achieve some degree of happiness in the end.     

Letter II: September 11, 2019

Who am I kidding? Eventually, we all knew there was going to be a second part, and a part three and a part four. Because this story–my life–has yet to come to its conclusion. Asking myself the same question, I still do struggle to maintain a positive outlook on life. However, what I have changed over the past few months is tell myself that everything that’s happened–good or bad–has all been for the best. It’s like I said before, make the most out of every possible situation life takes you and appreciating the small things. To me, that is how you can find happiness.

            Am I still an outcast, an introvert? Yes, but perhaps not as much as I was before I started work. So I began working my first job on October 1, 2018, having finally graduated from college. I landed in the Content team of the Marketing Communications department of the Asia Retail Group, who’ve been responsible for running three of my childhood malls. My responsibilities are primarily writing content to post on the shopping malls’ official websites and social media pages. So I’m something of a copywriter. Additionally, I’ve conducted some interviews with several brand owners. My official title says I’m a “Content Creation Officer” (CCO). It sounds pretty cool, I guess.

            I remember saying that I wanted to work here between 1 or 3 years before moving on. But that was when I’d just started back in late 2018. To be honest, I don’t exactly love my job. Every day when I go to work at 9 AM, I always look forward to 6 PM, which is when I finish. Tuesdays and Thursdays are fun because those are gym days. Initially, I went to the gym only on the weekends. Eventually, my trainer pushed me to go during the weekdays as well. Now, I’ve also come to value my weekends so much more. It is my colleagues who make the job tolerable and even enjoyable at times. In our down time, we share a bunch of laughs and I just feel like it exudes so much positive energy. It may feel like a long shot to say this, but it sometimes feels like some of my colleagues are my family.

            There’s my boss, Amy, a former magazine chief editor who has a knack for seeing the potential in everyone, including myself. Coming into the office initially writing only in English, I’ve been able to start writing Thai-language content with her tutelage. Then there’s Pat, my boss’s second-in-command and longtime best friend. I look up to her as a mother/older sister figure. And if there’s anyone I respect most in this office, it’s Pat. She’s helped me in both the work and personal aspects of my life, especially after hearing of my romantic woes. To say the least, I’ve learned a lot from her. Next, you have Wanda. What once was an older brother figure to me has now become an aunt-like figure with a preference for girls. I guess you could say she’s the closest person to a dude in the office next to myself. Aside from helping me get on my feet upon my arrival at the office, she’s also given me her fair share of ‘guy advice’. And last but not least, there’s Bonnie and Kara. Bonnie mostly works with the tourist department and speaks fluent Chinese. She’s also an expert with the best spots to eat in Bangkok, among other places. Kara is the graphic designer on our team. She’s wicked talented with Adobe Illustrator and is a great artist. One of these days, I’m thinking about having her design a new tattoo for me (when she has time, of course). They’ve all made my working experience a very pleasant one. To sum it up, both Pat and Wanda have taught me valuable lessons–both good and bad–that I won’t forget any time soon. And if they are willing to accept, I am happy to call them my new friends.

            On to the progress of my weight, things have turned out far better than I’ve expected. When I was filling out forms for my job application, I’d written down my weight as 58 kg. Believe it or not, my weight had dipped as low as 53 kg in my first couple of months at my workplace. It was at that point that people were beginning to say that I was seriously looking too skinny and sickly. My weight loss plan had worked out too well. So when I finally opted to go to the gym for an extra two days during the weekdays, the main goal was to put on muscle. I began drinking whey protein as well. The last time I measured, I had up to 84% muscle mass and 11% fat mass, not bad in my opinion. At this point, I look to build more muscle in my arms and upper body so that it can optimize the appearance of a tattoo. Yes, that’s right, I’m working out for the purpose of getting a tattoo. Now, as of September 9, 2019, I weigh in at 56.5 kg and wear size 29 jeans.

            Additionally, at my second gym, I began taking up kickboxing classes as well. I was getting tired of just lifting weights and doing abdominal workouts; I was looking for a new challenge. Now, the last time I’d exercised through boxing was 10 years ago. And I pretty much chickened out after developing blisters on my knuckles. This time, I wasn’t going to back down so easily. I bought myself a pair of 4-oz MMA gloves, hand wraps, boardshorts, and ankle supports from the fight gear shop near my college campus to prepare myself. In my first time back, I foolishly sparred without hand wraps, leaving my knuckles bleeding and virtually scarred. I also brought a compression clothing set to help stabilize myself for the heavy-duty workouts that were to come. It all paid off. This time around, I really enjoyed my cardio kickboxing sessions, connecting on my combinations and relentlessly throwing my roundhouse kicks. My favorite part of the kickboxing workout was perhaps the Boxmaster. After purchasing a pair of 10oz boxing gloves, I’ve been able to spar at my optimal strength and fully enjoy my kickboxing sessions, despite how physically demanding they can be. I’ve devoted all my Thursdays to kickboxing and have even nicknamed them “Muay Thai Thursdays” or MTT.  

            My re-ignited love for kickboxing stemmed from my rediscovered passion for combat sports. In sixth grade, I loved pro wrestling and Worldwide Wrestling. But when I found out wrestling wasn’t real, I grew out of it and set my sights on boxing in eighth grade. I had idolized a number of boxers for the longest time, putting up a poster of one of them in my dorm room during my freshman year of high school. After boxing, there was kickboxing and Muay Thai. I would watch videos of legendary Thai fighters competing at World Kick on YouTube. This all happened while I was at high school in the United States. When I discovered American football, though, I was sidetracked and combat sports went on the shelf for quite a long time.

            That was until I found Premier Championship, Southeast Asia’s first major MMA organization. Now, I’d seen the World Fight Championship several times but never really liked the World Fight Championship because of its trash-talking aspect. Its stars had ruined mixed martial arts, in my opinion. You had to talk so much shit just to sell tickets and make more money. But Premier Championship was just different. It taught different values: honor, respect, humility and sportsmanship. And its CEO held the belief that Asia, the birthplace of martial arts, should embrace one of its most important cultural treasures. Additionally, it also hosted kickboxing and Muay Thai matches, which I found to be very appealing. So I began following Premier on a regular basis, watching every major event on Friday evenings via livestream. I also started watching weekend Muay Thai programs that included Extreme Muay Thai and Champion Muay Thai, shows which had been around for a while but I had only recently discovered. But it didn’t end there; I subscribed to World Fight Library, where I was able to access events in MMA and kickboxing. Watching fight sports essentially became a new part of my lifestyle. That was how I discovered my love for martial arts and, ultimately, combat sports.

            The reason why I bring this up is because Premier Championship may have affected my plans for the future. Being at Asia Retail for a year, I can’t help but say that I’m slowly feeling the effects of occupational burnout. I know, one year shouldn’t warrant something like this. But it’s happened and I no longer feel the drive to put up my best performance here any longer. I couldn’t even if I tried. Nevertheless, I’ve been able to learn new things while working at Asia Retail. After completing my one year at this current job, I’m seriously considering the possibility of moving on. A few months earlier, my dad had gotten in touch with a friend who happens to be part of the board of a Muay Thai organization called Siam Fighting. I’ve seen many of their events before, having started to regularly watch their events, and they aren’t short on talent. It’s certainly a far cry from Premier Championship but if I do take a job in Siam Fighting, it may just be my first step towards achieving my dream of being able to work in Premier Championship. A stepping stone, if you will. And at least, I’ll be able to work in the realm of something I truly love: combat sports.    

            Now, on to the recurring issue, my love life. Months after graduation, I have refused to see Paula. I have successfully avoided her for a total of 1 year. There’s no point in denying it, no matter how much I try, she still has an effect on me after all this time. I don’t know how many times I’ve thought this but she has continued to haunt my dreams. I tell myself every time that I’ve moved on from her, that a relationship between us would be impossible. I’ve come to accept that as well. I’ve done my best to sever our ties and burn our bridges. What I can’t deny is that she has been one of my favorite people to have been present in my life. But for now, it’s better if I didn’t see her. While I know it’s not the healthiest solution, I believe it’s all for the best.

            But in cutting her out of my life, I’ve also inadvertently cut out other friends as well. Not only is this unhealthy, but this type of behavior is self-destructive. Day by day, week by week, month by month… I’m slowly losing friends I’d once made during my days at university. But being me, it honestly doesn’t faze me much. As an introvert, I can handle being alone. Hell, I even value being alone over being in the company of people, even if they’re pleasant. During my sister’s graduation from college for her master’s, I even made it a point to avoid Paula and my college friends, double-checking the graduation schedules to make sure that my sister’s graduation day didn’t fall on the same day as my faculty’s (which was where Paula my friends would show up). Slowly but certainly, old parts of me die each day with this continued pattern of self-destruction.         

            What’s made things easier is the fact that Mel and Flora are both overseas, with Mel studying for her master’s in London and Flora working her job in Singapore. With that said, reunions will be more scarce. Believe me when I say the last thing I want is a reunion. Whenever the group asks if we want to meet up, I’m the first to say I can’t make it and I’ll make up an excuse to not show up. If you ask me now if I ever want to see these friends of mine again, I would probably say, “No.” To tell you the truth, I could honestly live without them. Have they wronged me in any way? Absolutely not. But one of them has somehow managed to play a significant role on my heart. And because of that, I can’t afford to see her face or even speak to her. In an ideal world, it’s best if we never saw each other or heard from each other again. The final nail in the coffin was when I permanently left our friend group chat in order to avoid any conversations or talks of meeting up. The last time I ever spoke with Paula? Through a phone call back in December 2018 before I was headed for the airport to take a flight to Tokyo.     

            However, from my encounters with Paula, I’ve learned not to expect things when it comes to love. Having transitioned from university life to office life, I’ve somehow managed to not attempt to seek out love. Why? Because there’s too much heartache and too much false hope to be found. Now, I have no expectations. Without expectations, there’s no need to have any hope. I can’t explain how relieving it feels to be free of such an emotional burden. I have been told by my colleagues, including Pat and Wanda, that there will come a time that I will long for the company of friends and yearn for a life partner but I will say that now isn’t the time. Right now, I’m savoring every moment of solitude and freedom that I have.

            But I’m going to bring up the other side of the argument. Yes, my colleagues are right. Damn them for being right. A time will come where I will begin yearning for a girlfriend–a life partner–once again. Hell, a time may even come when I want to start a family and have kids. One weekend, I got to meet my niece on my mother’s side. In my mind I couldn’t help but think how she was the most precious and adorable thing I’d ever seen. It also got me thinking that having a family wasn’t the most terrible thing in the world. Then I was also reminded by a conversation I’d had with Pat. It went something along the lines of whenever she felt like giving up, her family–her daughter–was her reason to keep on working. However, I still have certain fears and doubts. I’m afraid that if I were to get married, it would end in separation. I’m afraid that if I had a child, they would go down the same path that I have.

            But it is these “what-ifs” that will ultimately prevent me from finding out how things will truly play out. After all, I do get tired of pondering over the many things that could have been but never came to be. Who knows? Maybe my life partner will turn out to be the support system I’ve needed all this time. Maybe she’ll be able to understand me in ways other people haven’t been able to. Maybe my child, if I were to have one, will change me as a person. Perhaps they will make me an even better version of myself. The possibilities are endless. So yes, perhaps a family of my own would give me a reason to fight, a reason to consistently maintain a positive outlook on life. To say the least, this conversation and meeting my niece has opened up my heart and mind to other possibilities.       

            There’s no knowing for sure which path my life will take me at the end of this year, let alone ten years down the road. What I do know is that, over the past year of working and adjusting to the adult life, I’ve been able to salvage and maintain happiness from the littlest of things, whether it was something funny my colleague said or a good fight I saw on Premier Championship. Yes, there’ve certainly been the rough turns but that’s always to be expected. If there’s anything I’ve learned, there’s no such thing as smooth sailing all the way. There will always be road bumps and there will always be turbulence. The only thing in your control is how you choose to approach them. Expecting hardships is one thing, easy to do. Accepting them, however, is the hardest thing you may ever have to do. Once you learn to both expect and accept them, there is nothing left to worry about. Until then, just take what you can from all that has happened and turn it into something worth cherishing. I’m not religious or spiritual, but I do believe that everything that happens has its purpose. When you fully accept that, true happiness is possible.

Letter III: September 18, 2020

I didn’t expect for there to be a third part to all this. But then again, nothing is certain. So here I am once more. And chances are that we are far from the end. Like the previous two parts, I’m going to ask myself the same question. Is it difficult to maintain a positive outlook on life? Yes, it’s an uphill battle to try and see the good in life. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. For every cloud, there’s always a silver lining. And I still find that it’s the small things that make life worth appreciating.  

            So where do I begin? I’m currently working my third job since graduating college, my second job of the year 2020. I did end up leaving Asia Retail Group to work for Siam Fighting. My stint with the Siam Fighting company lasted all of six months. Yes, six months. Not even a year. I began working at Siam Fighting on February 3, 2020 before walking out of the office for the last time on August 28, 2020. Not once did I go to an event they hosted due to the severity of the COVID pandemic. Perhaps it was best I never got to go.

            Going into Siam Fighting, I noticed so many red flags with this so-called “organization”. Expecting the office to be a building of some kind, I was greeted with a four-story house. Siam Fighting was basically a home office where the bottom three floors were working space. “Okay, I guess it’s about the quality of the staff,” I thought to myself. Then came the second red flag, the HR guy. Handing in my documents, dude has me sit down for a conversation about how he was tasked with the honorable job of holding down the top rope for the fighters at events, how he served in the Thai army, and how he was the company owner’s brother-in-law. Um, okay?

            Three days into the job, my team and I had a meeting that finished late. So we didn’t get to cleaning up the room. Next day, HR guy calls us individually to talk. When it comes my turn, a colleague warns me, “Whatever he says, stay calm.” I think to myself, “This isn’t good.” As I go to his office, I carry my water bottle that I had just filled up with me. He looks at me and at it as I enter his office. When I sit, he asks, “New water bottle?” Before I answer, he continues, “You know you’re not respecting me by bringing your bottle into my office.” What the actual fuck? But he’s not done. He goes on about how our office was a mess and how we’d been noisy during our meeting (guess people aren’t allowed to have a good laugh). But what really pissed me off was when he said these words to me: “Don’t let your actions affect your father’s image.” Fuck you, man! Right then and there, I decided that this HR guy was my enemy. Whatever he did, friendly or hostile, I would hate him.

            I talked about this with my colleagues and it’s no surprise to them. Apparently, HR guy had always been this big of a douche. I guess he thinks just because the owner is married to his sister, it gives him absolute power. But the shenanigans with him don’t end there. Whenever people want to take a leave day, he’ll pry for answers. If someone wants to take a personal day, he’ll ask where they are going and what they are going to do. Now I’m no HR expert, but I’m pretty sure that’s none of his damn business. I could keep going on about this dude but it would take forever. In short, he’s an unqualified piece of shit who only got his job because of family connections.

            Next, the company owner. We’re talking about a guy who talks a big talk but doesn’t do a lot of walking, if you know what I mean. I remember the first time I met him, I was wearing a t-shirt from Premier Championship. Just so you know, I’m a huge Premier Championship fan. What I didn’t know: Siam Fighting considers Premier Championship to be a rival. Hearing this, I laugh a little. Almost immediately, he proceeds to talk shit about the organization. Something about how their TV ratings in Thailand were so low and that they were going to go under sooner or later. And this was just the beginning. Once I started working for him, he’d always find a reason to start a conversation about Premier Championship and it was always negative. For his part, he talked about doing a lot of big projects under the Siam Fighting brand that never came to fruition. Examples include a hotel, an energy drink, a restaurant and a night club. So I really think he needs to take a seat. From now on, I’ll never believe a single word he says. I’m done with him and all his talk.

            But like I said, there were the little things that made it better. For starters, my colleagues at Siam Fighting were about the same age as I was. You had Cheryl who graduated from college in Australia and had been working at the company for a year. There was Erin, who attended a local university and was also at Siam Fighting for a year. Honestly, I still think she was the most beautiful of all our colleagues. You have Janet, the youngest of us all, and the kid who always gave me a lift to the subway station. Bless that kid, she was always my closest confidant in that office. And last but not least, there was Naomi, an alumnus of my university but from the College of Arts. These were pleasant people to be around and made great gossip company.   

            Six months in Siam Fighting had never felt so long. For comparison, I worked at Asia Retail for 14 months and felt that they flew by faster. I was part of the newly-established “online team” composed of five people. But the owner wanted to us to do the work of twenty people. Every week or two, he would ask why the World Fight or Premier Championship social media pages were able to put up quality online content whereas we couldn’t. The answer is simple: They have a stacked team of staff who have a clear idea of what they’re doing and had all the expensive tools at their disposal. As for us, we were working in the dark with limited tools and getting contradictory instructions.

            A lifeline was thrown to me when my father approached me in late July 2020 about how his friend, the owner of Bovine Beverages, had offered a job after hearing of my woes at Siam Fighting. I was hesitant at first and thought about maybe staying until the first event, scheduled for September 19. But eventually, I chose to hand in my resignation effective on August 28. After a less-than-stellar job interview with the head of marketing, I was finally able to start working with Bovine on September 16, 2020. The people here seem nice and can lean towards funny when there’s no pressure. I know it won’t be smooth sailing and I hope things will get better from now on.   

            Now, to the biggest update I have this year: love life. You really never know what to expect in life. One year ago, I thought I would never see Paula again. I made a point that I never wanted to see that group of friends again. But guess what happened? I did see that group of friends again. And I got to see Paula again after 18 months. I didn’t expect it to happen but it did. And I sure didn’t expect for the following events to play out.

            So out of the blue, on July 13, 2020, Mel calls me while I’m at work. She asks if I’m interested in coming to a reunion dinner and drinks that evening. Everyone would be there, minus Flora. By now, you know what I’m going to say. At first, I make an excuse about having to work six days a week at Siam Fighting and that I was drained. Val actually chimes in on the call begging for me to come. I still insist that I was too tired and wouldn’t be able to make it. So they back off and it appears I won’t be going. But then I start second-guessing my decision. I call Mel back and ask her, “Look, I know it’s weird that I’m asking but… is Paula still single?” She tells me that Paula had always been single ever since talking to that guy from our third year in college. I continue our conversation, going on about how I still have unresolved feelings about Paula. Mel says if she were me, she wouldn’t want to leave things unresolved and would rather have some closure. At that moment, I decided I was going to go to that dinner.        

            So I’m sitting in the car with Janet, waiting to arrive at the subway. Traffic is unusually bad today and I’m just eager to get to the dinner. As we approach the entrance where I’m supposed to get off, I say to my colleague, “I think I’m about to do something stupid tonight.” With that, I boarded the subway train and was well on my way towards seeing someone I hadn’t seen in well over a year. When I got to the restaurant, none of my friends were to be seen. Turns out they were on the second floor. So I climbed a flight of stairs and I saw her. There she was, in all her beauty. Those 18 months had barely changed her. Everyone was busy conversing and it took me clearing my throat to finally get their attention.

            We get to catching up as I make myself comfortable next to Paula. For the first time in 18 months, I talk to her just like we were back in college. So many thoughts are rushing through my head in that moment. Do I keep my cool? Do I resolve the thing that’s been bothering me this whole time? I don’t have time to make a decision as the group decides to leave the restaurant and go to a bar for drinks. Guess getting things off my chest will have to wait.

            When we finally get settled at the bar, I sit silently with an occasional sip from my glass of water. The entire time, my eyes are fixated on Paula, who is sitting across from me. Sounds creepy, I know, but I was actually thinking about what to say or what to do next. Hell, I’d finally made some progress by agreeing to come to dinner with my college friends after a long absence. At this point, I was thinking it was now or never. I was most likely never going to come out with my friends again after this. So I got up from the table and went outside, took out my phone and texted Paula to come meet me outside because I had to talk to her.

            My heart was pumping rapidly in my chest. It really felt like one of those moments where my heart was about through burst right through. She texts back saying she’ll be right out. Now my heart races even more. This was it, no turning back. When she exits the front door and approaches me, I get to explaining my 18-month absence. I tell her how I felt bummed out when I found out she was talking to a guy in our third year and then to another guy during our graduation. Simply put, I was jealous. I said something along the lines of, “I know it’s been over a year and I owe you an explanation for disappearing. Truth is I really like you.” Understandably, she is stunned for a moment. But she is quick to respond with, “Oh, I see. But are you okay if we continued being friends?”

            See, that’s the thing. I don’t know what I was expecting. Real life isn’t a television drama where a guy tells a girl he likes her after ghosting her for over a year and the girl tells him she feels the same. No, it doesn’t work like that. So that was her answer. She didn’t feel towards me the way I felt towards her. I answered her by saying, “Of course, I disappeared for over a year, didn’t I?” It was a lie. Perhaps it was my way of saying, “Yeah, I’ll be your friend but just don’t expect to see me as usual.” At that moment, Mel, Val and Nora come out from the bar. Mel and Paula go to the bathroom while Val and Nora stay with me. Val asks me what happened and I tell her everything. She apologizes for having invited me out, not knowing this would’ve happened. It wasn’t her fault. No one would’ve known. Turns out Paula told Mel in the bathroom that I’d confessed to her but she really didn’t feel anything towards me. Like I said, real life isn’t a TV drama. She wasn’t in the bathroom saying, “I told him I wanted to be friends but I actually feel something more.”

            So maybe part of me hoped that she would reciprocate the feelings I had for her. But another part of me also knew to expect the other answer. This wasn’t the ideal world and I did disappear on her for 18 months. The fact that she even responded the way she did was more than I deserved, I suppose. But referring to my previous entry, I think I made my self-exile from my group of friends official that night. While I did say I was content to remain friends, I’ve turned down any further invitations from Mel. But Mel and Val were courteous to say that if I ever needed anything, if I needed someone to talk to, I could always give them a call.

            I’m just glad I got my feelings about Paula off my chest. Finally, I was able to erase one of those “what-ifs” from my life. And while it took 18 months, at least I was able to confess the feelings I had for her. Regardless of the outcome, I’m just satisfied I gathered the guts to take action. If I didn’t say something that night, heaven knows I would’ve taken it all the way to my grave. For so long, I wondered if she felt the same about me. It was a question that bothered me every night. I used to think about the day she came up to me after our graduation ceremony and told me about how she stopped talking to a photographer due to incompatibility. My counselor told me this maybe was a sign of her possibly showing interest in me. But being me, I never pursued the matter and let it sit for almost two years. Now, this conflict is finally resolved and I can finally put it behind me.      

            So yeah, I took a step I never thought I’d take. And while the results weren’t exactly what I’d hoped for, at least I got some form of closure. As cliché as this may sound, I can finally move on with my life. From staying at a job for six months to confessing feelings, you really don’t know what to expect from life. But it’s the little things that make you want to keep going; the little surprises that make you smile and appreciate the quality of being alive. The year 2020 has shown me that things can get really rough. But what truly matters is how you respond to it. If you get beaten down to your knees, do you stay down? Or do you get up and fight back? I should be the last person saying this, given that I chose to stay at Siam Fighting for six months, but I have to keep on fighting by unleashing the best version of myself at Bovine. This is how I fight the adversity that is 2020. As for love? I think I’ll give it a rest. I won’t go actively searching for it but if it’s close by, then perhaps I’ll give it a shot.  

Letter IV: June 2, 2022

Hello again, I’m back. We’re far from over, dear reader. After all, the only certain thing in life is that nothing is certain. And the only constant is change. So here I am once again. It’s crazy to believe that since my very first entry, it’s been close to four years. Now I’m 27 years old and getting closer to 30. It all feels so surreal now that I’m actually living it out. But that’s life for you… or for me, I guess.

For the Money

In my previous entry, I started working at my current place of employment on September 16, 2020. As am writing this, I have been working there for 1 year and 9 months. In the three jobs I’ve worked since graduating college, I can now say this is the place where I’ve worked the longest. Yay! Initially, I was paid the same monthly salary as my two previous places of employment. Honestly, I didn’t really care I was grateful that I had a place to work after leaving my old job on bad terms.

But then a year passed, I eventually gleaned new knowledge regarding from my new job. Before long, I finally had a clear purpose. That also meant doing more work. Of course, doing more work, I was expecting a bump up in my pay. One year after I started, my monthly salary stayed the same so I kept waiting. Until February 2022 came along. My boss, the son of the company owner, asks me one morning what my current salary was. I told him and he is surprised at the amount I am making. Let’s just say it is less than what he was expecting to hear. He goes on to tell me that he’ll make sure it goes up. And wouldn’t you know it, I find that on my next paycheck that my salary has skyrocketed by a substantial amount! Hey, I’m very grateful for this pay raise and I make sure to give my 100% at work every day.

I’m going to get into why I’m bringing up the topic of pay up. When I first started working at my current company, I was taken under the wing of some people who had started there a year before me. They were experienced in sales work and were workaholics to an extent. Anyway, I remember a conversation they had with me about how the company had so much potential and that the owner was a swell guy who was worth working for. The latter part I can confidently affirm. But one of them also goes on about how he’s never in it for the pay and goes on to bash people who come into work to collect paychecks. Back then, I paid it no heed. Fastforward to now, I do take some issue with what he said.

I call bullshit on him saying that he’s not working for the money. I don’t know the exact amount he was or is making but I’m certain that he gets paid more than twice the amount I make per month. So with that said, he’s more than financially stable to provide for himself and his family. But I want to draw up a hypothetical situation. Let’s say the company had to cut costs and everyone’s salary had to be halved, hypothetically, including his. Would he still have the same mindset? Would he still say he doesn’t do it for the money? I highly doubt it. What I’m highly confident about is that I come to work every day to get paid. Every payment period, I’m expecting to see a new amount in my bank account. Hate me if you want, but what I do, I do it for the money. Yes, I’m just here to collect a paycheck but I also make sure I do my best at work.

Back in the Game (Briefly)

Near the end of 2021, I decided to get back into the dating game again. After the bittersweet conclusion to the Paula saga back in July 2020, I took some time off to heal from some shall we say… emotional wounds. All it took was an Instagram advertisement from the MMA gym with whom I had a membership to get me off the bench. As it turned out, a staff member from the aforementioned gym was used as a model in the ad and I found myself attracted.

So I reached out to the gym’s manager, who I was already acquainted with, and asked for details. It was a sort of like me asking, “Could you introduce us?” So she acquiesced to my request and I visited the gym in November 2021 to meet this girl. One thing that immediately stands out to me is that she’s way taller than me. I’m 165 centimeters (5’5”) while this girl towers over me at approximately 175 centimeters (5’9”). As if the height difference wasn’t enough, she’s got all the makings of a magazine cover girl. Aesthetically, this girl is way out of my league. But for some reason, my self-confidence is unusually high and I’m determined to get her to like me. Looking back, I laugh at that version of myself.

I remember the first two times we met, I went to go see her two days in a row on the weekend. It was a total of 15 hours that I spent with her at the gym. In retrospect, I may have come off as a bit of a creep. Granted, I hadn’t hit on anyone for over 9 years by then. She was really nice to me in all the time we spent together. Although this may have been because I was a customer of the gym and she was an employee, it’s difficult to determine.

Both my self-esteem and anxiety were tested when it came to our texting exchanges, which were few and far between. I’ll put it this way: if I sent three texts, she would reply with one. And while I would reply to her in less than a minute, she would take up to 7 hours to respond to me. Needless to say, it really messed with my mind.

Still, I was determined to go on a date with her. And eventually, I scored a first date with her early in December. We went to grab some coffee on her day off from work. Much to my chagrin, we mostly conversed about work and the date lasted an underwhelming one hour. Nevertheless, I scheduled a second date with her for Christmas. I won’t say it was a disaster but like the first date, it failed to live up to my expectations. The date lasted only an hour; she had another scheduled appointment. I found out later that she’d made that appointment after agreeing to have dinner with me. I suppose she wanted to keep the second date short. It doesn’t matter. Over the course of the dinner, she dropped a bombshell: she wasn’t looking for a committed relationship any time soon. This was when I decided we simply weren’t meant to be. And that was when I decided to end our correspondence in terms of pursuing a relationship.

During the New Year’s holiday, I was noticeably miserable and my dad decides to give me a pep talk of sorts. At the time I didn’t pay attention to it but I remember hearing ‘King Solomon’ and ‘this too shall pass’. So later, I googled those things and found an old fable. Anyway, I came to realize that any situation, be it good or bad, can't last forever. And it was what gave me the strength to move on from my failed attempt at a new relationship. Since then, I like to think that I live by the words ‘this too shall pass’.

As I’m writing this, it would be the last time I ever saw her in person. There’s no hard feelings between us and it’s just a case of two people wanting different things. She occasionally texts me about my wellbeing and asks me when I’ll return to the gym.

Still at the start of 2022, my sister implored me to give dating apps a try once more. I’d experimented with them back in early 2020 but ended up getting ghosted by a girl whom I’d matched with. Still, I figured it wouldn’t hurt trying again. My cousin who’d been visiting from the US had also told me two simple words: “Have fun.” So I scrolled through a list of profiles and tapped whichever one stuck out to me. After several days, I received a reply, a match.

This girl was a senior in college who was still going to classes online. I’m surprised by her fondness of Ancient Greek and Roman architecture in our first conversation. After just one day of talking on the app, she suggests we start texting each other. I don’t think I’ve ever met a girl so talkative about a wide variety of topics. We could talk about history, architecture and even sports. At that point, I thought there was so much potential with her. She was super friendly in our conversations, asking me about my day and sending me pictures about what she was having for lunch and dinner. It seemed as though the pieces would fall into place.

But then, life had to throw me another curveball. And this was one I was least expecting. First, the year before, she had contracted the COVID virus that had crippled the world beginning in 2020. So naturally, since she’d gotten better, I assumed she’d gotten her vaccinations. This was where things got weird. She told me she hadn’t gotten her shots. I asked her why, silently assuming she had an underlying condition that prevented her from getting the jab. What she said next would leave me speechless. She had refused to get vaccinated after seeing her friends suffer from hair loss after getting their jabs. Yeah, that was her reasoning. I understand now that vaccinations are a personal choice and everyone has their own right on whether to get vaccinated or not.

And so I realized that she probably was not the girl for me, despite her overwhelming friendliness and our mutual interests. She seemed to check nearly all the boxes. Nearly. Just when I thought things were going so well…

We continued to text although I was no longer entertaining the thought of pursuing a relationship with her. About a month in, she asks me how I feel about her. Honestly, I wasn’t sure mostly because we hadn’t met in person. And that was on me because I wasn’t willing to meet her unless she got vaccinated. So I told her I couldn’t give her an answer. She then tells me I shouldn’t like her because someone else has already told her that they liked her. At that moment, I feel like I’ve been freed. Then I tell her to go with it and we stop texting.

She did text me again once asking how I was doing a little over a month ago. She seemed to be doing well with the guy she’s going out with. I told her that I thought there was some potential between the two of us, although she said that I was difficult to get through to; as if I’d built a wall around myself. Perhaps that’s the case with me. And all I can say to that is that maybe I haven’t found the right person willing to spend time to break down that wall around me.

Either way, despite how things ended with both girls, I’m glad they happened the way they did. Because the experiences have helped me grow emotionally. And as the old fable says, ‘this too shall pass’. And hopefully one day, I find that girl because I now realize that, while I cherish the single solitary life, I also yearn for love.

Letter V: August 13, 2023

So it’s been over a year since Part IV and so many things have happened since then, both bad and good. While I was pretty good at my initial job at Bovine Beverage, I admit that sometimes it got a little too much for me to handle. My original department supervised over 200 staff members who worked in the field and it was my job to submit their requests to enter online data regarding partner stores yada-yada. But yeah, sometimes it got a bit overwhelming. So in April 2022, my family goes on a long holiday to Hawaii. I’d never been there my entire life and this was my first time travelling overseas since COVID hit. Nevertheless, I was in paradise once we landed. I’d never felt happier, enjoying every moment I was in the Rainbow State. But of course, it all had to come to an end.

But I was a different person once we landed in Bangkok. For some reason, I’d developed an extreme irrational fear of COVID. I don’t know why but for some reason, I was afraid to catch it. While other people were wearing just face masks, I was wearing a face mask and a face shield. Looking back, it was definitely overkill and I was definitely paranoid. Perhaps I was scared because the greatest fear of them all is the fear of the unknown. And at the time, I didn’t know what it was like to get COVID. My colleagues were also aware of my ever-growing paranoia and while they joked about it, they were also kind enough to ease my fears at the same time. If someone in our department had so much as a cough or sore throat, they’d keep their distance from me. Nevertheless, I continued doing my work in my department up until November 2022. By then, I had been considering resigning from Bovine and exploring other options. But the problem was… I didn’t have any other options yet. I honestly just planned on quitting and taking an extended break.

But then, one of the company executives informs me that I’m being transferred to a new department. To this day, I have no clue what it does but from what I can gather, it was basically a centralized department where all the subdepartments of the sales channels in the company meet. I regret saying yes at her proposition. But it wasn’t like I could decline either. About less than two months in, one of the younger guys working in the department takes me aside and lets me help him work on a more digital-based project instead. It has to do with enhancing the B2B aspect of the company. He believes it’s better than having me sit for the entire office day in long-ass meetings. And at first, it seems to go well. My job mainly consists of approving artwork and captions that will be published on texting apps. Truth be told, I’m working close to 15 minutes a day. And before I know it, I’m one step closer to becoming the thing I swore not to become: a nepo baby who only got the job because of his father’s connections.

At that same time, my mind is strolling down a rather dark path. Perhaps it’s the long time I’ve spent at Bovine Beverages finally wearing down on me. Not only do I talk about offing myself to my family, but I also entertain the idea of erasing certain individuals at the office. Sometimes, I feel so angry that I want to act out on certain people at the office who I perceive to be bullies, regardless of whether or not they have families to support. Doesn’t matter to me, I just wanted to know what it felt like to take a life. And it might as well be a life I deemed worthless. So many thoughts swirled in my mind: from detonating an explosive on the top floor (where all the executives worked) to using a firearm on all floors of the office building. I was in a very dark and twisted place in my mind. It was a combination of lacking direction and the imbalance of chemicals in my brain that perhaps causes this. That was when my dad and sister intervened. They had me go see a psychologist who, after hearing what I had to say, put me on a good old dose of Lexapro. I can say I’ve been feeling much better since then and those thoughts are locked away.

So my birthday rolls around and my friends from college, especially Mel and Val, are very eager to host a dinner for me. So I got Val to schedule a date one week after my actual birthday at a nearby Western restaurant and the guest list includes my sister, Mel, Flora, Val, and Madison. My friends gift me with a custom t-shirt consisting of pictures of me and my Labrador, which I really loved. But I was starting to feel a little strange that night. A sore throat was flaring up but I chalked it up to the McDonald’s french fries I had for lunch. I went to bed that night, expecting to wake up feeling a little better. Instead, I woke up feeling a lot worse. My head and body were aching, my throat wasn’t feeling any better. At first, due to the dark clouds outside, I thought it was a result of the drastic weather change. So I rest on the living room couch and try sleep it off. An hour later, I don’t feel any better. So something tells me to go to my room and take an ATK test. I do a saliva test to make absolutely sure. In less than 5 minutes, I am absolutely shocked when I see two lines appear, indicating a positive COVID test. For over two years, I had evaded the virus but it had finally caught up with me. Game over.

I call my sister to let her know I had caught COVID. She sends me all the proper medication and tells me to isolate for 5 days. Bless her soul. I also key in my sick leave days at the office because of this. But much to my dismay, my requests for a sick leave are disapproved. When I call HR for an explanation, it turns out that the company had a new policy where you needed a doctor’s note for COVID to get approved for sick leave. When I tried telling them that I had all the necessary medication and seeing a doctor would not be necessary, they shot me down and said I needed a note no matter what. I was fuming at that point but had no choice. So I took a motorbike taxi to a nearby clinic to procure a note to finally get those damn sick days approved. I felt bad for exposing those motorbike taxis to the virus.

Afterwards, I lay in my bed still angry with HR. I had so many bad words swirling in my head. Eventually, I got my laptop and opened Adobe Illustrator. From there, I got to designing a t-shirt that basically cursed HR. The funny part? That t-shirt actually got made. Along with 9 other t-shirts. So that turned out to be a productive session where I designed 10 custom t-shirts for myself. The reason I mention this incident is because it was the beginning of my inspiration of starting a clothing line.

When my isolation ended and I returned to work, I had a new perspective. I was no longer paranoid and I was more lively. I found myself starting the podcast I’d long talked about wanting to start since 2020. For a long time, I pondered what my podcast would be about. But the answer was right in front of me. My passion was and had always been combat sports. So I started a podcast about combat sports. Using the smartphone my dad had gotten for my birthday, a pair of discount headphones, and a tripod I found in the street market, I’d built myself my first podcast setup. And on June 17, 2023, I recorded the first episode to my podcast. A second episode followed the next day. Since then, I’ve upgraded my setup with a new microphone.

But there were still issues at work. From 15 minutes of work a day, I felt that it had gone down to 5 minutes a day. There were many instances where I was sleeping at the office. Like I said, I’d become the very thing I hated: the nepo kid who got in because of his dad’s good graces. With the podcast, at least I was able to fill my free time editing videos. Also, with the clothing venture, I could experiment with different designs and colors. But then, the company issued another policy. No outside work was to be done on company property. This was when I made what will soon be a life-changing decision. Near the end of July 2023, I approached the head of the sales department and asked him the steps I needed to take if I wanted to resign. I told him I was ready to leave and commit to my podcast on a fulltime basis. If I had to choose between the podcast or my 9-to-5, I would choose the podcast. And I would make sure that I would expand my content so that I could continue to draw in more audiences. Before I knew it, I’d filled out the resignation forms and I’m due to come in for my last day of work on August 28, 2023.

One day, out of the blue, I decided to invite my friends over to my renovated home for dinner. I wanted them to see my new place and to meet my dog. Of the four people invited, three accepted the invitation: Mel, Val, and Paula. Flora already had a prior engagement. Deep down, I wanted to meet Paula again after not seeing her for three years. Paula said in the group chat that she would probably be late. So I meet up with Mel and Val first and we have dinner at my house. This is where the fun begins. It turns out that both Mel and Val are no longer as close to Paula as they were before. “It’s not that I hate her,” Val said, “It’s that I’m disappointed in her.” When I ask her to elaborate, it turns out that Paula had some difficulty finding a job to her liking after getting her master’s in the UK. So she asked Val to refer her to Val’s new workplace. When the place offered her the same salary as Val, Paula asked Val to get the company to bump the number up. It took a while but I assumed they got the number to Paula’s liking. But then Paula wasn’t happy with the vacation days she got. Having worked in Thailand for 5 years now, I’ve learned not to expect many vacation days, especially in your first year. Paula still asked Val to ask her employers if there was any way they could increase the number of vacation days. When there was no way around it, Paula unashamedly asked Val to ask her employers that if she were to decline their offer, would they still make it available if she were to come back? The entire time, Paula was sweet-talking Val as if they were the best of friends. Now spoiler alert, Paula found another job that checked all her boxes. And afterwards, she disappeared on both Val and Mel.

Now I’d long gotten over Paula in terms of love but I was curious and asked Mel about her status. Mel told me that Paula did in fact have a boyfriend. He was five years younger and was the son of a local politician in the eastern region of the country. The two had met while she was studying for her master’s in the UK. What’s crazier is that she started dating him two weeks after he’d broken up with his girlfriend, which makes me wonder how she’d had her eyes on him. Now, this next part I don’t know if Val said this just to get me riled up but she told me that some time after I confessed my feelings to Paula, Paula said to her that there was just no way she would’ve ever chosen me. Knowing her true nature now, I guess I dodged a bullet. And I hope she finds the happiness she’s looking for.

And I just want to say it again, the greatest fear of all is the fear of the unknown. I’m afraid of life after quitting my 9-to-5. Or rather, I’m afraid of what to expect. For five years, I’ve worked in the 9-to-5, clocking in at 9 AM and then clocking out at 6 PM. After August, it’s going to be a whole different world for me. I’ll be setting the rules and the work hours from now on. Truth be told, I never thought my dream of working as a YouTuber would come true. But to be fair, my channel has yet to become monetizable. But I do love what I do on YouTube, whether it’s the podcast or covering fight events on-site. It’s kind of like what I would’ve gotten to do at Siam Fighting but with my own rules and no boundaries holding back. So despite my fear, there is also a lot of excitement and I am looking forward to what comes next.

Letter VI: September 23, 2023

Greetings dear reader, we meet again. So it’s been just a little over one month since my last entry. It’s been almost a month since I quit my 9-to-5 at Bovine Beverages to do my own thing. I’ve really been enjoying the podcast. Sure, I have yet to generate any income and the channel has yet to become eligible for monetization. But it still doesn’t make doing this any less fun. Since starting the podcast in June 17, 2023, my YouTube channel has 35 videos.

During the time period leading up to me quitting my 9-to-5, I went to a press conference promoting a blockbuster fight event set to take place in November of 2023. This was where I met up with some old acquaintances I hadn’t seen in nearly two years. Furthermore, I decided to spoil myself by buying tickets to this event and booking a reservation at the hotel where it would take place. It would be where both work and vacation converged. Furthermore, on September of 2023, I was able to invite a guest onto my podcast for the first time, which had long been a dream of mine. So yes, being my own boss has been working out well so far. The only thing I have left to worry about now is money.

I have no animosity whatsoever towards Bovine Beverages but I feel like quitting my job at the company was one of the best decisions I’ve made. For the first time, I’m truly chasing my dream and doing something I’m very passionate about. I figured I had a knack of doing online content-related work since working at Siam Fighting but so many boundaries held me back. And now, I’m finally creating my own content and publishing it online, whether it’s on YouTube or social media.

Now, the question I used to always ask myself when writing these letters: am I still introverted? I’m surprised at how much I’ve changed since recovering from COVID. From making excuses as to why I won’t be able to go to dinner with friends, I’m now always eager to meet up with my friends. And these aren’t just my college friends, but people I’ve met at different points of my life. Whether during summer internship or former colleagues, I’ve found that I’ve been getting back in touch with many people and telling them that we should catch up. To be honest, I really like this version of myself.

I guess all that time spent in isolation and lying in bed left me with a lot to think about. In particular, I thought about the many things I wanted to do in this life. One of those things included the podcast. But there were also other things like re-establishing ties with past acquaintances. For most of my life, I’ve met many people but let them slip away into obscurity as I’ve moved from one point in my life to another. And that’s just a part of me I didn’t like. It was the heavily introverted side of me. Perhaps I can go as far as to say that part of me is almost completely gone now.

As I’ve gotten back in touch with many friends, I’ve realized so many things have also changed. Several people in my university class have gotten married. I think two already have kids. But none of them are my close friends. That was until I recently met up with Madison for dinner. In my first entry, Madison was my very first crush in college. But she didn’t reciprocate my feelings and we’ve ended up being good friends since then. So as it turns out, Madison is scheduled to marry her boyfriend of six years some time within the next year. This has made me realize how far I’ve fallen behind in terms of love and romantic relationships.

In my class, a lot of people have paired up and are on the verge of getting married. Then you have me, the single black sheep. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m sad. But hearing that Madison, one of my closer friends in college, was getting married. It sounded so surreal. At the same time, I couldn’t be happier for her. Because if there’s anyone in my college who deserves a happy ending, it’s Madison.

Now, this announcement was made during a dinner that also included my sister and a mutual friend of ours named Janice. Janice was actually a co-MC who won the same competition as Madison back in our freshman year of college. She studied Psychology at our university and was an alumnus of my school in Bangkok. Furthermore, she met my sister at a leadership program in Thailand, which Madison and myself also attended. Long story short, Janice ended up becoming a close friend of Madison and my sister.

I can’t say this enough: Janice is a very sweet, kind and beautiful young woman. Much so that my sister is fond of her and has gone as far as to encourage me to try and hit on her. But of course, she has made it clear that I do need to make some improvements to myself first. Sure, I’ve come a long way from where I was before. But I still have some more to go before I’m in any condition to flirt with Janice. And I couldn’t agree more with my sister. A lot of times, I think Janice is too good for me.

But what I often ask myself is: “Do I like Janice?” To answer it simply, yes. I do like Janice. But do I like her to the point of wanting to ask her out and potentially begin a relationship? I honestly don’t know the answer to that yet. While I have said before that I’ve tried not to seek out love, I’ve been finding myself yearning for it as well. It’s so contradictory, right? And with a girl like Janice… it just makes this whole thing more difficult. One, she’s my friend. Two, she’s my sister’s friend.

I’m not entirely sure if I want to remain just friends with her or try and take things to the next level with Janice. My sister has certainly encouraged me to try. Because I’ll be honest, girls like Janice are one in a million. And no, I’m not saying this because I’m blinded by love so I’m spouting cheesy lines. I really have yet to meet another girl like her. I guess that’s why my sister sees so much in Janice and I can understand why my sister likes her.

Yet at the same time, I wonder how low Janice would be sinking if she came down to my level? I don’t know, I’m not sure how I’d rate myself. I’ve given it a start, trying to text Janice frequently. But I know that’s far from enough and I’ll have to keep making an effort to show I care. I’ll have to do so much more. As to whether I truly I like Janice that much… I have yet to find out on my own. If she does reciprocate my actions, it’d be great. If not, that’s fine too. In the event that Janice and I do end up together, I’d be the luckiest guy on Planet Earth!

But I just want to repeat something I said in a previous entry, the greatest fear of all is the fear of the unknown. And I don’t want to be afraid not knowing how things would play out between Janice and me. Which is why I’m trying to reach out to Janice more than I usually would, despite there being a high chance of rejection or simply no reciprocation from her side. But you know what? That would be better than if I had done nothing at all. And so from this point onward, I’ll just try my best with Janice. Because we only have one life and I intend to make the most out of it.

An Open Letter to Myself, Pt. VI

Note: All names have been changed for anonymity.

Greetings dear reader, we meet again. So it’s been just a little over one month since my last entry. It’s been almost a month since I quit my 9-to-5 at Bovine Beverages to do my own thing. I’ve really been enjoying the podcast. Sure, I have yet to generate any income and the channel has yet to become eligible for monetization. But it still doesn’t make doing this any less fun. Since starting the podcast in June 17, 2023, my YouTube channel has 35 videos.

During the time period leading up to me quitting my 9-to-5, I went to a press conference promoting a blockbuster fight event set to take place in November of 2023. This was where I met up with some old acquaintances I hadn’t seen in nearly two years. Furthermore, I decided to spoil myself by buying tickets to this event and booking a reservation at the hotel where it would take place. It would be where both work and vacation converged. Furthermore, on September of 2023, I was able to invite a guest onto my podcast for the first time, which had long been a dream of mine. So yes, being my own boss has been working out well so far. The only thing I have left to worry about now is money.

I have no animosity whatsoever towards Bovine Beverages but I feel like quitting my job at the company was one of the best decisions I’ve made. For the first time, I’m truly chasing my dream and doing something I’m very passionate about. I figured I had a knack of doing online content-related work since working at Siam Fighting but so many boundaries held me back. And now, I’m finally creating my own content and publishing it online, whether it’s on YouTube or social media.

Now, the question I used to always ask myself when writing these letters: am I still introverted? I’m surprised at how much I’ve changed since recovering from COVID. From making excuses as to why I won’t be able to go to dinner with friends, I’m now always eager to meet up with my friends. And these aren’t just my college friends, but people I’ve met at different points of my life. Whether during summer internship or former colleagues, I’ve found that I’ve been getting back in touch with many people and telling them that we should catch up. To be honest, I really like this version of myself.

I guess all that time spent in isolation and lying in bed left me with a lot to think about. In particular, I thought about the many things I wanted to do in this life. One of those things included the podcast. But there were also other things like re-establishing ties with past acquaintances. For most of my life, I’ve met many people but let them slip away into obscurity as I’ve moved from one point in my life to another. And that’s just a part of me I didn’t like. It was the heavily introverted side of me. Perhaps I can go as far as to say that part of me is almost completely gone now.

As I’ve gotten back in touch with many friends, I’ve realized so many things have also changed. Several people in my university class have gotten married. I think two already have kids. But none of them are my close friends. That was until I recently met up with Madison for dinner. In my first entry, Madison was my very first crush in college. But she didn’t reciprocate my feelings and we’ve ended up being good friends since then. So as it turns out, Madison is scheduled to marry her boyfriend of six years some time within the next year. This has made me realize how far I’ve fallen behind in terms of love and romantic relationships.

In my class, a lot of people have paired up and are on the verge of getting married. Then you have me, the single black sheep. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m sad. But hearing that Madison, one of my closer friends in college, was getting married. It sounded so surreal. At the same time, I couldn’t be happier for her. Because if there’s anyone in my college who deserves a happy ending, it’s Madison.

Now, this announcement was made during a dinner that also included my sister and a mutual friend of ours named Janice. Janice was actually a co-MC who won the same competition as Madison back in our freshman year of college. She studied Psychology at our university and was an alumnus of my school in Bangkok. Furthermore, she met my sister at a leadership program in Thailand, which Madison and myself also attended. Long story short, Janice ended up becoming a close friend of Madison and my sister.

I can’t say this enough: Janice is a very sweet, kind and beautiful young woman. Much so that my sister is fond of her and has gone as far as to encourage me to try and hit on her. But of course, she has made it clear that I do need to make some improvements to myself first. Sure, I’ve come a long way from where I was before. But I still have some more to go before I’m in any condition to flirt with Janice. And I couldn’t agree more with my sister. A lot of times, I think Janice is too good for me.

But what I often ask myself is: “Do I like Janice?” To answer it simply, yes. I do like Janice. But do I like her to the point of wanting to ask her out and potentially begin a relationship? I honestly don’t know the answer to that yet. While I have said before that I’ve tried not to seek out love, I’ve been finding myself yearning for it as well. It’s so contradictory, right? And with a girl like Janice… it just makes this whole thing more difficult. One, she’s my friend. Two, she’s my sister’s friend.

I’m not entirely sure if I want to remain just friends with her or try and take things to the next level with Janice. My sister has certainly encouraged me to try. Because I’ll be honest, girls like Janice are one in a million. And no, I’m not saying this because I’m blinded by love so I’m spouting cheesy lines. I really have yet to meet another girl like her. I guess that’s why my sister sees so much in Janice and I can understand why my sister likes her.

Yet at the same time, I wonder how low Janice would be sinking if she came down to my level? I don’t know, I’m not sure how I’d rate myself. I’ve given it a start, trying to text Janice frequently. But I know that’s far from enough and I’ll have to keep making an effort to show I care. I’ll have to do so much more. As to whether I truly I like Janice that much… I have yet to find out on my own. If she does reciprocate my actions, it’d be great. If not, that’s fine too. In the event that Janice and I do end up together, I’d be the luckiest guy on Planet Earth!

But I just want to repeat something I said in a previous entry, the greatest fear of all is the fear of the unknown. And I don’t want to be afraid not knowing how things would play out between Janice and me. Which is why I’m trying to reach out to Janice more than I usually would, despite there being a high chance of rejection or simply no reciprocation from her side. But you know what? That would be better than if I had done nothing at all. And so from this point onward, I’ll just try my best with Janice. Because we only have one life and I intend to make the most out of it.

An Open Letter to Myself, A Confidential Compilation (August 2023)

Note: All names have been changed for anonymity.

Letter I: July 23, 2018

For most (if not all) of my life, I’ve struggled to maintain a positive outlook on things. I never really belonged with any group of people when starting school and, as a result, I didn’t make many friends. Perhaps I was one of those people who had few but very close friends as opposed to one of those who had many but just not as close. I was more or less an outcast. But that was only the beginning.

Because I couldn’t find myself a group to stick with, from kindergarten through high school, I found myself thinking that I didn’t belong anywhere. And because of that, I stopped seeking out the company of others. That was when I earned myself the label of introvert. Yes, I had a few select friends to hang out with or talk with, but most of the time I preferred to keep to myself. I think that took a turn when I started the first of my final two years of high school in Hong Kong.

  Junior year at HKHS marked as a turning point in my life. Owing to my lack of confidence and generally low self-esteem, I wasn’t really the type to draw the attention of people. Simply put, I could’ve easily disappeared into a crowd of 5 people (yes, 5) if I wished. I was nobody. But by the age of 17, I’d somehow captivated the attention of a 16-year-old Hong Kong student by the name of Clara. We met at the school orientation in September 2012 and started out as friends. Clara and I would continually exchange text messages when we weren’t together. We were close enough that she’d invited me to her 17th birthday party on November 17, 2012.

I didn’t make it to the birthday party. Why? On the night of November 15, I’d suffered my first seizure. I found myself waking up in the school’s infirmary, dizzy and confused. They were in the process of getting me into an ambulance. I was set to stay the night at the nearby hospital to be kept under observation. The following morning, outside of a phone call from my dorm neighbor, the first message I received was from Clara, asking how I was doing after having heard of last night’s debacle. Looking back, I’m glad she was concerned for me. But then again, later in the day, a lot of people from school posted on my social media wishing me to ‘get well soon’ and ‘feel better’. I would like to take this moment to thank them all.

Anyway, I was able to join with the party group after I was discharged from the hospital on November 17. I hugged Clara for the first time that same day after I shared a story about my grief on the passing of my Labrador and close friend. Truth be told, that was probably the first time I felt something for her. In this case, I mean something more than friendship. Funnily enough, on November 21, she asked me: “I want to know how you feel about me.” Now at this point, I know how I’m feeling but I just didn’t know the words to use. That was when I sought out the help of my then-roommate Izmail. I guess you could say that had it not been for Izmail, Clara and I would probably never have dated.

So yeah, Clara and I began a relationship. But there was only so much we could do since we were confined to boarding school and its bogus rules. December 1st of 2012 was the first time we officially went out. We hung out in the city, caught a movie, and finished our night at Times Square Hong Kong, where I was to take a cab back to school. Five and a half years later, I still look back fondly on our first kiss.

Clara and I were together from November 21, 2012 up until June 27, 2014 (although I guess she decided to break up with me before, can’t give an exact date on that). At first, I felt sad. Little did I know it would be the first step to my first bout of depression over our breakup. Sometimes it got to the point of me being unable to get out of bed or going to bed as early as 6 PM. In addition, I also lost control of my eating habits. At night, I’d sneak out to the nearby convenience store to buy bags of chips, bottles of sodas and occasionally some beer. I’d be stuffing my face at midnight or 1 in the morning.  

Later on, when I started university, the depression was joined by resentment. Eventually, it developed into a trifecta of depression, resentment and anger. Before that, I’d tried in vain to talk Clara into getting back with me only to be met with harsh words of rejection. To add to that, she also began talking about another guy at her university. That was when I became vengeful. One night on November 2014, I snapped and opted to break off all contact with her. Every social media platform, I erased every trace of her from my life. Later on, on April 2018, I made amends with Clara and you could say we’re back on good terms.

At university, I’d made myself some friends, surprisingly enough. With certainty I will say that my first friend at college was Brie the anime enthusiast and cosplayer. However, the current status of our friendship is in question. Regardless, the most prominent people in my first set of friends would most definitely be Mel and Flora. Mel had enrolled as 16-year-old college freshman out of high school. Even though she was 16, she was the designated driver among us (and yes, she did this without a license). Flora was about my age, having graduated from a school in Singapore, having studied there for almost half of her life. Others I will mention include Leon the Frenchman and Nick the cat-lover. Later on in my sophomore year, I would also befriend Paula, Nora and Val.

Naturally, having broken up with Clara after high school, I’d done some searching when I arrived at college. I’ve said it before and I won’t hesitate to say it again, Madison was my first crush in college. From her competence to the sound of her voice, I was actually crazy about her. My mistake? Advertising to pretty much everyone in the faculty my feelings. That was a lesson I later learned: Don’t always be so trusting of the ones around you. But I still couldn’t bring myself to tell her face-to-face. Sure, I’d given a few gestures (a rose for her after she’d won a competition to become the university’s MC), but that just wasn’t enough. My lack of confidence held me back. While she found out, followed by a crazy maelstrom of emotions (all of which were on my part), we have remained on good terms and I’m happy to say we’re still friends.   

But by then, I was also dealing with other issues. Months prior, my mom had been diagnosed with cancer for the fourth time. Still, she was fighting with my dad and sister by her side. Where was I? Too preoccupied with sulking in my own sorrow. Much so that I forgot that there were other people who needed me. In retrospect, I should’ve been there for her. In the last several weeks of my mom’s life, it took so much out of me having to watch her wither away. On the morning of February 24, 2015, at approximately 5:10 AM, my mom finally left. I was broken down, devastated. But of course, life goes on. We mourned her loss and we moved on.

During this time period, I was significantly struggling with my weight, despite having a personal trainer. I remember stepping on the scale on my first day at the gym to see 81.0 kg on the screen. I was clearly overweight with a fat percentage of 28%. I also remember telling my trainer that my target weight was 60 kg, no matter how long it took. But in the beginning, I was going in the wrong direction. By the end of my freshman year, after having paid a visit to Hong Kong for the first time in a year, I had peaked at a ghastly 85 kg. After being continuously teased and mocked by family friends for my physical stature, I decided that it was now or never.

I hit the gym five days a week, avoided high-carb and high-fat foods, and pretty much ate the equivalent of two meals a day: smoothie for breakfast, regular lunch, and protein bar for dinner. No matter how bad I’d want a double bacon cheeseburger, I would always remind myself that it wasn’t worth the weight gain. The protein bar diet did pay some dividends. Having begun my diet on August 2015 at approximately 84 kg, I was 71 kg by August 2016. People really did notice the progress I’d made and I thought that it was as low I could go. Boy, was I wrong indeed. Today, I refer to this period as “Phase 1”.  

Having shed 14 kg, I felt that I was allowed to resume my regular diet. Okay, I didn’t exactly go back to eating cheeseburgers or Chinese takeout every night but I did eat regular-sized portions for three meals a day. What I didn’t take into consideration was the quality of the foods I was eating. Because of that, I gained as much as 4 kg heading into 2017. Despite being cautious of what I ate during my internship at a newspaper from June to August 2017, this time was when I gained most of my weight. Beginning in February 2018, I began what I now refer to as “Phase 2” of my weight loss goal. I’d gone to my cousin’s wedding struggling to breathe in size 34 trousers. That same day, the scale had read 75.0 when I stepped onto it. I resumed my two-meal-a-day plan with some changes. This time, I would eat strictly two meals, breakfast and lunch only. As of July 2018, I weigh in at 59 kg. I can say that I’ve achieved my target weight, even if it took three years. Now I find myself able to wear size 30-32 pants. These past few months were perhaps the first time in my life where people have actually told me to eat more and that I was getting too skinny. Now whether or not they mean it, I don’t know. But it sure does feel good to hear it from others.

When the “I Have a Crush on Madison” ship had left port, I set my sights on another friend, Val. I was able to convince myself that I was in love with this girl, despite having known her for a total of three months by then. Her significant other, whom she is now back with, was (and still is) a full-blown tomboy. Still, I told myself that Val was the one. Long story short, I had a crush on her for half of 2016 before she went on exchange in South Korea in our junior year. Then it was just pretty much coming to an end. Whatever happened then, I’m just glad with the way things are now between us.  

During the first semester of my junior year in October 2016, I suffered another seizure. Apparently, this particular one warranted a prescription of Valium from my doctor. Ignoring the instructions, I took a pill every night before bedtime. As the Diazepam accumulated within me, I realized I was in another depression. At the time, I didn’t know that my medication was the cause of it. But boy, the depression really came at a bad time. Mel was dating this guy she’d met while working one summer at an ice-cream shop and Paula was talking with some guy from the accounting faculty. I was hit with the strong feeling of abandonment. Eventually though, after I ceased taking Valium, all of it began to fade away and I was feeling fine by the time 2017 rolled around.

In the first semester of my senior year, however, I realized that depression wasn’t far behind me. Around September 2017, Mel (having already broken up with the ice-cream shop guy) had begun to realize her orientation and decided to reciprocate the feelings Flora has had for her since our sophomore year. The day she told me, she was dropping me off at the gym. To be honest, I was completely taken by surprise. Simultaneously, I completely felt down. I did everything my PT instructed but I didn’t say a word. That same day, after seeing an ad on social media, I signed up for HarmonyHeal so that I had someone to voice my feelings to. After all, before this, Mel had been my one true confidant. But that part was over, forever changed. Mel found out about how I was feeling and it left her briefly conflicted. Before long, the two had started a relationship, meaning Mel and Flora. And whenever the two had a falling out, Mel would come in my direction seeking solace. At the time, I thought I was just the person to pick up the broken pieces between the two, the fucking crutch to lean on when everyone else had turned their backs on her. Looking back on it, I wasn’t sad because I had a crush on Mel, I was sad because of the change that was to come. And she only came to me because she trusted me. There’s no easy way to say this but our friendship has forever changed because of everything that’s happened. Not much I can do but make the most out of how things have turned out.

For a time during our final semester of senior year, I turned my attention to Paula. I just wanted to be away from Mel and Flora, even Val (who related well to the two). I’ll admit I was never as close to Paula and Nora as I had been with Mel and Flora; but I would’ve preferred to be with the former as opposed to the latter. Nevertheless, I truly enjoyed being in the company of Paula. My most favorite memory of her has to do with Hong Kong and JoyWorld. From time to time, I’ll go on my social media and look at the pictures I took with her during our 2017 trip to Hong Kong. I won’t lie, at some point I may have also been smitten with Paula. I’ve written pieces about her, not that she knows they’re about her. I have sent only one piece of prose to her; but that’s just one of many. Our paths have diverged now that we’ve finished university. I don’t know how many more times I’ll see her but I do know that I’m damn grateful for her presence in my life. No matter what happens between us, she will always be a great friend I’ve had the pleasure of having.

Which is why I’m talking in the first place. I’ve been a negative person for most of my life; just ask my dad, my sister, and my friends. I seem to find the dark even in the brightest of things. There’s always this urge to always dig up some dirt. They got married? Huh, she’s probably in for the money. They’re doing community work? Huh, publicity will get you places. You know what I mean. In the meantime, I would always complain about how things didn’t turn out a certain way.

For sure, there are many things in my life (and I’m sure in others’ lives) that didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to. You know how they say you’re in control of your own destiny? I beg to differ. While part of it may be true, you’re not always in control of the happenings around you. Example? Unreciprocated feelings. I could swim halfway across the world (in reality, I can’t) to prove my love only to find that the other party isn’t willing to do the same. You see, while I may be able to control my own feelings, I have no control over the feelings of another person. And ultimately, things play out differently.

Sometimes I wonder if one course action would’ve made the difference. Did I make a mistake in not calling? What if I’d told her how I felt instead of keeping quiet? My life has mostly been built up of “what-ifs” and “why-nots”. There are endless possibilities when you stop to think about it. I’ve come to realize that I’ve spent too much time wishing for certain things in life. Life is a far cry from perfect but there is still so much to love about it. Sometimes you just can’t force a certain outcome in life and you just have to roll along with it. Over the years, I’ve learned to appreciate every little thing out of every single situation. Furthermore, I’ve learned to live with every outcome. In my opinion, I believe life is about finding small things in every aspect that you learn to appreciate and just ultimately trying to make the most out of every possible situation life takes you, regardless of how much or how little you like it. Essentially, I can appreciate what I do have instead of focusing on what I don’t. When you learn to do this, you can ultimately achieve some degree of happiness in the end.     

Letter II: September 11, 2019

Who am I kidding? Eventually, we all knew there was going to be a second part, and a part three and a part four. Because this story–my life–has yet to come to its conclusion. Asking myself the same question, I still do struggle to maintain a positive outlook on life. However, what I have changed over the past few months is tell myself that everything that’s happened–good or bad–has all been for the best. It’s like I said before, make the most out of every possible situation life takes you and appreciating the small things. To me, that is how you can find happiness.

            Am I still an outcast, an introvert? Yes, but perhaps not as much as I was before I started work. So I began working my first job on October 1, 2018, having finally graduated from college. I landed in the Content team of the Marketing Communications department of the Asia Retail Group, who’ve been responsible for running three of my childhood malls. My responsibilities are primarily writing content to post on the shopping malls’ official websites and social media pages. So I’m something of a copywriter. Additionally, I’ve conducted some interviews with several brand owners. My official title says I’m a “Content Creation Officer” (CCO). It sounds pretty cool, I guess.

            I remember saying that I wanted to work here between 1 or 3 years before moving on. But that was when I’d just started back in late 2018. To be honest, I don’t exactly love my job. Every day when I go to work at 9 AM, I always look forward to 6 PM, which is when I finish. Tuesdays and Thursdays are fun because those are gym days. Initially, I went to the gym only on the weekends. Eventually, my trainer pushed me to go during the weekdays as well. Now, I’ve also come to value my weekends so much more. It is my colleagues who make the job tolerable and even enjoyable at times. In our down time, we share a bunch of laughs and I just feel like it exudes so much positive energy. It may feel like a long shot to say this, but it sometimes feels like some of my colleagues are my family.

            There’s my boss, Amy, a former magazine chief editor who has a knack for seeing the potential in everyone, including myself. Coming into the office initially writing only in English, I’ve been able to start writing Thai-language content with her tutelage. Then there’s Pat, my boss’s second-in-command and longtime best friend. I look up to her as a mother/older sister figure. And if there’s anyone I respect most in this office, it’s Pat. She’s helped me in both the work and personal aspects of my life, especially after hearing of my romantic woes. To say the least, I’ve learned a lot from her. Next, you have Wanda. What once was an older brother figure to me has now become an aunt-like figure with a preference for girls. I guess you could say she’s the closest person to a dude in the office next to myself. Aside from helping me get on my feet upon my arrival at the office, she’s also given me her fair share of ‘guy advice’. And last but not least, there’s Bonnie and Kara. Bonnie mostly works with the tourist department and speaks fluent Chinese. She’s also an expert with the best spots to eat in Bangkok, among other places. Kara is the graphic designer on our team. She’s wicked talented with Adobe Illustrator and is a great artist. One of these days, I’m thinking about having her design a new tattoo for me (when she has time, of course). They’ve all made my working experience a very pleasant one. To sum it up, both Pat and Wanda have taught me valuable lessons–both good and bad–that I won’t forget any time soon. And if they are willing to accept, I am happy to call them my new friends.

            On to the progress of my weight, things have turned out far better than I’ve expected. When I was filling out forms for my job application, I’d written down my weight as 58 kg. Believe it or not, my weight had dipped as low as 53 kg in my first couple of months at my workplace. It was at that point that people were beginning to say that I was seriously looking too skinny and sickly. My weight loss plan had worked out too well. So when I finally opted to go to the gym for an extra two days during the weekdays, the main goal was to put on muscle. I began drinking whey protein as well. The last time I measured, I had up to 84% muscle mass and 11% fat mass, not bad in my opinion. At this point, I look to build more muscle in my arms and upper body so that it can optimize the appearance of a tattoo. Yes, that’s right, I’m working out for the purpose of getting a tattoo. Now, as of September 9, 2019, I weigh in at 56.5 kg and wear size 29 jeans.

            Additionally, at my second gym, I began taking up kickboxing classes as well. I was getting tired of just lifting weights and doing abdominal workouts; I was looking for a new challenge. Now, the last time I’d exercised through boxing was 10 years ago. And I pretty much chickened out after developing blisters on my knuckles. This time, I wasn’t going to back down so easily. I bought myself a pair of 4-oz MMA gloves, hand wraps, boardshorts, and ankle supports from the fight gear shop near my college campus to prepare myself. In my first time back, I foolishly sparred without hand wraps, leaving my knuckles bleeding and virtually scarred. I also brought a compression clothing set to help stabilize myself for the heavy-duty workouts that were to come. It all paid off. This time around, I really enjoyed my cardio kickboxing sessions, connecting on my combinations and relentlessly throwing my roundhouse kicks. My favorite part of the kickboxing workout was perhaps the Boxmaster. After purchasing a pair of 10oz boxing gloves, I’ve been able to spar at my optimal strength and fully enjoy my kickboxing sessions, despite how physically demanding they can be. I’ve devoted all my Thursdays to kickboxing and have even nicknamed them “Muay Thai Thursdays” or MTT.  

            My re-ignited love for kickboxing stemmed from my rediscovered passion for combat sports. In sixth grade, I loved pro wrestling and Worldwide Wrestling. But when I found out wrestling wasn’t real, I grew out of it and set my sights on boxing in eighth grade. I had idolized a number of boxers for the longest time, putting up a poster of one of them in my dorm room during my freshman year of high school. After boxing, there was kickboxing and Muay Thai. I would watch videos of legendary Thai fighters competing at World Kick on YouTube. This all happened while I was at high school in the United States. When I discovered American football, though, I was sidetracked and combat sports went on the shelf for quite a long time.

            That was until I found Premier Championship, Southeast Asia’s first major MMA organization. Now, I’d seen the World Fight Championship several times but never really liked the World Fight Championship because of its trash-talking aspect. Its stars had ruined mixed martial arts, in my opinion. You had to talk so much shit just to sell tickets and make more money. But Premier Championship was just different. It taught different values: honor, respect, humility and sportsmanship. And its CEO held the belief that Asia, the birthplace of martial arts, should embrace one of its most important cultural treasures. Additionally, it also hosted kickboxing and Muay Thai matches, which I found to be very appealing. So I began following Premier on a regular basis, watching every major event on Friday evenings via livestream. I also started watching weekend Muay Thai programs that included Extreme Muay Thai and Champion Muay Thai, shows which had been around for a while but I had only recently discovered. But it didn’t end there; I subscribed to World Fight Library, where I was able to access events in MMA and kickboxing. Watching fight sports essentially became a new part of my lifestyle. That was how I discovered my love for martial arts and, ultimately, combat sports.

            The reason why I bring this up is because Premier Championship may have affected my plans for the future. Being at Asia Retail for a year, I can’t help but say that I’m slowly feeling the effects of occupational burnout. I know, one year shouldn’t warrant something like this. But it’s happened and I no longer feel the drive to put up my best performance here any longer. I couldn’t even if I tried. Nevertheless, I’ve been able to learn new things while working at Asia Retail. After completing my one year at this current job, I’m seriously considering the possibility of moving on. A few months earlier, my dad had gotten in touch with a friend who happens to be part of the board of a Muay Thai organization called Siam Fighting. I’ve seen many of their events before, having started to regularly watch their events, and they aren’t short on talent. It’s certainly a far cry from Premier Championship but if I do take a job in Siam Fighting, it may just be my first step towards achieving my dream of being able to work in Premier Championship. A stepping stone, if you will. And at least, I’ll be able to work in the realm of something I truly love: combat sports.    

            Now, on to the recurring issue, my love life. Months after graduation, I have refused to see Paula. I have successfully avoided her for a total of 1 year. There’s no point in denying it, no matter how much I try, she still has an effect on me after all this time. I don’t know how many times I’ve thought this but she has continued to haunt my dreams. I tell myself every time that I’ve moved on from her, that a relationship between us would be impossible. I’ve come to accept that as well. I’ve done my best to sever our ties and burn our bridges. What I can’t deny is that she has been one of my favorite people to have been present in my life. But for now, it’s better if I didn’t see her. While I know it’s not the healthiest solution, I believe it’s all for the best.

            But in cutting her out of my life, I’ve also inadvertently cut out other friends as well. Not only is this unhealthy, but this type of behavior is self-destructive. Day by day, week by week, month by month… I’m slowly losing friends I’d once made during my days at university. But being me, it honestly doesn’t faze me much. As an introvert, I can handle being alone. Hell, I even value being alone over being in the company of people, even if they’re pleasant. During my sister’s graduation from college for her master’s, I even made it a point to avoid Paula and my college friends, double-checking the graduation schedules to make sure that my sister’s graduation day didn’t fall on the same day as my faculty’s (which was where Paula my friends would show up). Slowly but certainly, old parts of me die each day with this continued pattern of self-destruction.         

            What’s made things easier is the fact that Mel and Flora are both overseas, with Mel studying for her master’s in London and Flora working her job in Singapore. With that said, reunions will be more scarce. Believe me when I say the last thing I want is a reunion. Whenever the group asks if we want to meet up, I’m the first to say I can’t make it and I’ll make up an excuse to not show up. If you ask me now if I ever want to see these friends of mine again, I would probably say, “No.” To tell you the truth, I could honestly live without them. Have they wronged me in any way? Absolutely not. But one of them has somehow managed to play a significant role on my heart. And because of that, I can’t afford to see her face or even speak to her. In an ideal world, it’s best if we never saw each other or heard from each other again. The final nail in the coffin was when I permanently left our friend group chat in order to avoid any conversations or talks of meeting up. The last time I ever spoke with Paula? Through a phone call back in December 2018 before I was headed for the airport to take a flight to Tokyo.     

            However, from my encounters with Paula, I’ve learned not to expect things when it comes to love. Having transitioned from university life to office life, I’ve somehow managed to not attempt to seek out love. Why? Because there’s too much heartache and too much false hope to be found. Now, I have no expectations. Without expectations, there’s no need to have any hope. I can’t explain how relieving it feels to be free of such an emotional burden. I have been told by my colleagues, including Pat and Wanda, that there will come a time that I will long for the company of friends and yearn for a life partner but I will say that now isn’t the time. Right now, I’m savoring every moment of solitude and freedom that I have.

            But I’m going to bring up the other side of the argument. Yes, my colleagues are right. Damn them for being right. A time will come where I will begin yearning for a girlfriend–a life partner–once again. Hell, a time may even come when I want to start a family and have kids. One weekend, I got to meet my niece on my mother’s side. In my mind I couldn’t help but think how she was the most precious and adorable thing I’d ever seen. It also got me thinking that having a family wasn’t the most terrible thing in the world. Then I was also reminded by a conversation I’d had with Pat. It went something along the lines of whenever she felt like giving up, her family–her daughter–was her reason to keep on working. However, I still have certain fears and doubts. I’m afraid that if I were to get married, it would end in separation. I’m afraid that if I had a child, they would go down the same path that I have.

            But it is these “what-ifs” that will ultimately prevent me from finding out how things will truly play out. After all, I do get tired of pondering over the many things that could have been but never came to be. Who knows? Maybe my life partner will turn out to be the support system I’ve needed all this time. Maybe she’ll be able to understand me in ways other people haven’t been able to. Maybe my child, if I were to have one, will change me as a person. Perhaps they will make me an even better version of myself. The possibilities are endless. So yes, perhaps a family of my own would give me a reason to fight, a reason to consistently maintain a positive outlook on life. To say the least, this conversation and meeting my niece has opened up my heart and mind to other possibilities.       

            There’s no knowing for sure which path my life will take me at the end of this year, let alone ten years down the road. What I do know is that, over the past year of working and adjusting to the adult life, I’ve been able to salvage and maintain happiness from the littlest of things, whether it was something funny my colleague said or a good fight I saw on Premier Championship. Yes, there’ve certainly been the rough turns but that’s always to be expected. If there’s anything I’ve learned, there’s no such thing as smooth sailing all the way. There will always be road bumps and there will always be turbulence. The only thing in your control is how you choose to approach them. Expecting hardships is one thing, easy to do. Accepting them, however, is the hardest thing you may ever have to do. Once you learn to both expect and accept them, there is nothing left to worry about. Until then, just take what you can from all that has happened and turn it into something worth cherishing. I’m not religious or spiritual, but I do believe that everything that happens has its purpose. When you fully accept that, true happiness is possible.

Letter III: September 18, 2020

I didn’t expect for there to be a third part to all this. But then again, nothing is certain. So here I am once more. And chances are that we are far from the end. Like the previous two parts, I’m going to ask myself the same question. Is it difficult to maintain a positive outlook on life? Yes, it’s an uphill battle to try and see the good in life. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. For every cloud, there’s always a silver lining. And I still find that it’s the small things that make life worth appreciating.  

            So where do I begin? I’m currently working my third job since graduating college, my second job of the year 2020. I did end up leaving Asia Retail Group to work for Siam Fighting. My stint with the Siam Fighting company lasted all of six months. Yes, six months. Not even a year. I began working at Siam Fighting on February 3, 2020 before walking out of the office for the last time on August 28, 2020. Not once did I go to an event they hosted due to the severity of the COVID pandemic. Perhaps it was best I never got to go.

            Going into Siam Fighting, I noticed so many red flags with this so-called “organization”. Expecting the office to be a building of some kind, I was greeted with a four-story house. Siam Fighting was basically a home office where the bottom three floors were working space. “Okay, I guess it’s about the quality of the staff,” I thought to myself. Then came the second red flag, the HR guy. Handing in my documents, dude has me sit down for a conversation about how he was tasked with the honorable job of holding down the top rope for the fighters at events, how he served in the Thai army, and how he was the company owner’s brother-in-law. Um, okay?

            Three days into the job, my team and I had a meeting that finished late. So we didn’t get to cleaning up the room. Next day, HR guy calls us individually to talk. When it comes my turn, a colleague warns me, “Whatever he says, stay calm.” I think to myself, “This isn’t good.” As I go to his office, I carry my water bottle that I had just filled up with me. He looks at me and at it as I enter his office. When I sit, he asks, “New water bottle?” Before I answer, he continues, “You know you’re not respecting me by bringing your bottle into my office.” What the actual fuck? But he’s not done. He goes on about how our office was a mess and how we’d been noisy during our meeting (guess people aren’t allowed to have a good laugh). But what really pissed me off was when he said these words to me: “Don’t let your actions affect your father’s image.” Fuck you, man! Right then and there, I decided that this HR guy was my enemy. Whatever he did, friendly or hostile, I would hate him.

            I talked about this with my colleagues and it’s no surprise to them. Apparently, HR guy had always been this big of a douche. I guess he thinks just because the owner is married to his sister, it gives him absolute power. But the shenanigans with him don’t end there. Whenever people want to take a leave day, he’ll pry for answers. If someone wants to take a personal day, he’ll ask where they are going and what they are going to do. Now I’m no HR expert, but I’m pretty sure that’s none of his damn business. I could keep going on about this dude but it would take forever. In short, he’s an unqualified piece of shit who only got his job because of family connections.

            Next, the company owner. We’re talking about a guy who talks a big talk but doesn’t do a lot of walking, if you know what I mean. I remember the first time I met him, I was wearing a t-shirt from Premier Championship. Just so you know, I’m a huge Premier Championship fan. What I didn’t know: Siam Fighting considers Premier Championship to be a rival. Hearing this, I laugh a little. Almost immediately, he proceeds to talk shit about the organization. Something about how their TV ratings in Thailand were so low and that they were going to go under sooner or later. And this was just the beginning. Once I started working for him, he’d always find a reason to start a conversation about Premier Championship and it was always negative. For his part, he talked about doing a lot of big projects under the Siam Fighting brand that never came to fruition. Examples include a hotel, an energy drink, a restaurant and a night club. So I really think he needs to take a seat. From now on, I’ll never believe a single word he says. I’m done with him and all his talk.

            But like I said, there were the little things that made it better. For starters, my colleagues at Siam Fighting were about the same age as I was. You had Cheryl who graduated from college in Australia and had been working at the company for a year. There was Erin, who attended a local university and was also at Siam Fighting for a year. Honestly, I still think she was the most beautiful of all our colleagues. You have Janet, the youngest of us all, and the kid who always gave me a lift to the subway station. Bless that kid, she was always my closest confidant in that office. And last but not least, there was Naomi, an alumnus of my university but from the College of Arts. These were pleasant people to be around and made great gossip company.   

            Six months in Siam Fighting had never felt so long. For comparison, I worked at Asia Retail for 14 months and felt that they flew by faster. I was part of the newly-established “online team” composed of five people. But the owner wanted to us to do the work of twenty people. Every week or two, he would ask why the World Fight or Premier Championship social media pages were able to put up quality online content whereas we couldn’t. The answer is simple: They have a stacked team of staff who have a clear idea of what they’re doing and had all the expensive tools at their disposal. As for us, we were working in the dark with limited tools and getting contradictory instructions.

            A lifeline was thrown to me when my father approached me in late July 2020 about how his friend, the owner of Bovine Beverages, had offered a job after hearing of my woes at Siam Fighting. I was hesitant at first and thought about maybe staying until the first event, scheduled for September 19. But eventually, I chose to hand in my resignation effective on August 28. After a less-than-stellar job interview with the head of marketing, I was finally able to start working with Bovine on September 16, 2020. The people here seem nice and can lean towards funny when there’s no pressure. I know it won’t be smooth sailing and I hope things will get better from now on.   

            Now, to the biggest update I have this year: love life. You really never know what to expect in life. One year ago, I thought I would never see Paula again. I made a point that I never wanted to see that group of friends again. But guess what happened? I did see that group of friends again. And I got to see Paula again after 18 months. I didn’t expect it to happen but it did. And I sure didn’t expect for the following events to play out.

            So out of the blue, on July 13, 2020, Mel calls me while I’m at work. She asks if I’m interested in coming to a reunion dinner and drinks that evening. Everyone would be there, minus Flora. By now, you know what I’m going to say. At first, I make an excuse about having to work six days a week at Siam Fighting and that I was drained. Val actually chimes in on the call begging for me to come. I still insist that I was too tired and wouldn’t be able to make it. So they back off and it appears I won’t be going. But then I start second-guessing my decision. I call Mel back and ask her, “Look, I know it’s weird that I’m asking but… is Paula still single?” She tells me that Paula had always been single ever since talking to that guy from our third year in college. I continue our conversation, going on about how I still have unresolved feelings about Paula. Mel says if she were me, she wouldn’t want to leave things unresolved and would rather have some closure. At that moment, I decided I was going to go to that dinner.        

            So I’m sitting in the car with Janet, waiting to arrive at the subway. Traffic is unusually bad today and I’m just eager to get to the dinner. As we approach the entrance where I’m supposed to get off, I say to my colleague, “I think I’m about to do something stupid tonight.” With that, I boarded the subway train and was well on my way towards seeing someone I hadn’t seen in well over a year. When I got to the restaurant, none of my friends were to be seen. Turns out they were on the second floor. So I climbed a flight of stairs and I saw her. There she was, in all her beauty. Those 18 months had barely changed her. Everyone was busy conversing and it took me clearing my throat to finally get their attention.

            We get to catching up as I make myself comfortable next to Paula. For the first time in 18 months, I talk to her just like we were back in college. So many thoughts are rushing through my head in that moment. Do I keep my cool? Do I resolve the thing that’s been bothering me this whole time? I don’t have time to make a decision as the group decides to leave the restaurant and go to a bar for drinks. Guess getting things off my chest will have to wait.

            When we finally get settled at the bar, I sit silently with an occasional sip from my glass of water. The entire time, my eyes are fixated on Paula, who is sitting across from me. Sounds creepy, I know, but I was actually thinking about what to say or what to do next. Hell, I’d finally made some progress by agreeing to come to dinner with my college friends after a long absence. At this point, I was thinking it was now or never. I was most likely never going to come out with my friends again after this. So I got up from the table and went outside, took out my phone and texted Paula to come meet me outside because I had to talk to her.

            My heart was pumping rapidly in my chest. It really felt like one of those moments where my heart was about through burst right through. She texts back saying she’ll be right out. Now my heart races even more. This was it, no turning back. When she exits the front door and approaches me, I get to explaining my 18-month absence. I tell her how I felt bummed out when I found out she was talking to a guy in our third year and then to another guy during our graduation. Simply put, I was jealous. I said something along the lines of, “I know it’s been over a year and I owe you an explanation for disappearing. Truth is I really like you.” Understandably, she is stunned for a moment. But she is quick to respond with, “Oh, I see. But are you okay if we continued being friends?”

            See, that’s the thing. I don’t know what I was expecting. Real life isn’t a television drama where a guy tells a girl he likes her after ghosting her for over a year and the girl tells him she feels the same. No, it doesn’t work like that. So that was her answer. She didn’t feel towards me the way I felt towards her. I answered her by saying, “Of course, I disappeared for over a year, didn’t I?” It was a lie. Perhaps it was my way of saying, “Yeah, I’ll be your friend but just don’t expect to see me as usual.” At that moment, Mel, Val and Nora come out from the bar. Mel and Paula go to the bathroom while Val and Nora stay with me. Val asks me what happened and I tell her everything. She apologizes for having invited me out, not knowing this would’ve happened. It wasn’t her fault. No one would’ve known. Turns out Paula told Mel in the bathroom that I’d confessed to her but she really didn’t feel anything towards me. Like I said, real life isn’t a TV drama. She wasn’t in the bathroom saying, “I told him I wanted to be friends but I actually feel something more.”

            So maybe part of me hoped that she would reciprocate the feelings I had for her. But another part of me also knew to expect the other answer. This wasn’t the ideal world and I did disappear on her for 18 months. The fact that she even responded the way she did was more than I deserved, I suppose. But referring to my previous entry, I think I made my self-exile from my group of friends official that night. While I did say I was content to remain friends, I’ve turned down any further invitations from Mel. But Mel and Val were courteous to say that if I ever needed anything, if I needed someone to talk to, I could always give them a call.

            I’m just glad I got my feelings about Paula off my chest. Finally, I was able to erase one of those “what-ifs” from my life. And while it took 18 months, at least I was able to confess the feelings I had for her. Regardless of the outcome, I’m just satisfied I gathered the guts to take action. If I didn’t say something that night, heaven knows I would’ve taken it all the way to my grave. For so long, I wondered if she felt the same about me. It was a question that bothered me every night. I used to think about the day she came up to me after our graduation ceremony and told me about how she stopped talking to a photographer due to incompatibility. My counselor told me this maybe was a sign of her possibly showing interest in me. But being me, I never pursued the matter and let it sit for almost two years. Now, this conflict is finally resolved and I can finally put it behind me.      

            So yeah, I took a step I never thought I’d take. And while the results weren’t exactly what I’d hoped for, at least I got some form of closure. As cliché as this may sound, I can finally move on with my life. From staying at a job for six months to confessing feelings, you really don’t know what to expect from life. But it’s the little things that make you want to keep going; the little surprises that make you smile and appreciate the quality of being alive. The year 2020 has shown me that things can get really rough. But what truly matters is how you respond to it. If you get beaten down to your knees, do you stay down? Or do you get up and fight back? I should be the last person saying this, given that I chose to stay at Siam Fighting for six months, but I have to keep on fighting by unleashing the best version of myself at Bovine. This is how I fight the adversity that is 2020. As for love? I think I’ll give it a rest. I won’t go actively searching for it but if it’s close by, then perhaps I’ll give it a shot.  

Letter IV: June 2, 2022

Hello again, I’m back. We’re far from over, dear reader. After all, the only certain thing in life is that nothing is certain. And the only constant is change. So here I am once again. It’s crazy to believe that since my very first entry, it’s been close to four years. Now I’m 27 years old and getting closer to 30. It all feels so surreal now that I’m actually living it out. But that’s life for you… or for me, I guess.

For the Money

In my previous entry, I started working at my current place of employment on September 16, 2020. As am writing this, I have been working there for 1 year and 9 months. In the three jobs I’ve worked since graduating college, I can now say this is the place where I’ve worked the longest. Yay! Initially, I was paid the same monthly salary as my two previous places of employment. Honestly, I didn’t really care I was grateful that I had a place to work after leaving my old job on bad terms.

But then a year passed, I eventually gleaned new knowledge regarding from my new job. Before long, I finally had a clear purpose. That also meant doing more work. Of course, doing more work, I was expecting a bump up in my pay. One year after I started, my monthly salary stayed the same so I kept waiting. Until February 2022 came along. My boss, the son of the company owner, asks me one morning what my current salary was. I told him and he is surprised at the amount I am making. Let’s just say it is less than what he was expecting to hear. He goes on to tell me that he’ll make sure it goes up. And wouldn’t you know it, I find that on my next paycheck that my salary has skyrocketed by a substantial amount! Hey, I’m very grateful for this pay raise and I make sure to give my 100% at work every day.

I’m going to get into why I’m bringing up the topic of pay up. When I first started working at my current company, I was taken under the wing of some people who had started there a year before me. They were experienced in sales work and were workaholics to an extent. Anyway, I remember a conversation they had with me about how the company had so much potential and that the owner was a swell guy who was worth working for. The latter part I can confidently affirm. But one of them also goes on about how he’s never in it for the pay and goes on to bash people who come into work to collect paychecks. Back then, I paid it no heed. Fastforward to now, I do take some issue with what he said.

I call bullshit on him saying that he’s not working for the money. I don’t know the exact amount he was or is making but I’m certain that he gets paid more than twice the amount I make per month. So with that said, he’s more than financially stable to provide for himself and his family. But I want to draw up a hypothetical situation. Let’s say the company had to cut costs and everyone’s salary had to be halved, hypothetically, including his. Would he still have the same mindset? Would he still say he doesn’t do it for the money? I highly doubt it. What I’m highly confident about is that I come to work every day to get paid. Every payment period, I’m expecting to see a new amount in my bank account. Hate me if you want, but what I do, I do it for the money. Yes, I’m just here to collect a paycheck but I also make sure I do my best at work.

Back in the Game (Briefly)

Near the end of 2021, I decided to get back into the dating game again. After the bittersweet conclusion to the Paula saga back in July 2020, I took some time off to heal from some shall we say… emotional wounds. All it took was an Instagram advertisement from the MMA gym with whom I had a membership to get me off the bench. As it turned out, a staff member from the aforementioned gym was used as a model in the ad and I found myself attracted.

So I reached out to the gym’s manager, who I was already acquainted with, and asked for details. It was a sort of like me asking, “Could you introduce us?” So she acquiesced to my request and I visited the gym in November 2021 to meet this girl. One thing that immediately stands out to me is that she’s way taller than me. I’m 165 centimeters (5’5”) while this girl towers over me at approximately 175 centimeters (5’9”). As if the height difference wasn’t enough, she’s got all the makings of a magazine cover girl. Aesthetically, this girl is way out of my league. But for some reason, my self-confidence is unusually high and I’m determined to get her to like me. Looking back, I laugh at that version of myself.

I remember the first two times we met, I went to go see her two days in a row on the weekend. It was a total of 15 hours that I spent with her at the gym. In retrospect, I may have come off as a bit of a creep. Granted, I hadn’t hit on anyone for over 9 years by then. She was really nice to me in all the time we spent together. Although this may have been because I was a customer of the gym and she was an employee, it’s difficult to determine.

Both my self-esteem and anxiety were tested when it came to our texting exchanges, which were few and far between. I’ll put it this way: if I sent three texts, she would reply with one. And while I would reply to her in less than a minute, she would take up to 7 hours to respond to me. Needless to say, it really messed with my mind.

Still, I was determined to go on a date with her. And eventually, I scored a first date with her early in December. We went to grab some coffee on her day off from work. Much to my chagrin, we mostly conversed about work and the date lasted an underwhelming one hour. Nevertheless, I scheduled a second date with her for Christmas. I won’t say it was a disaster but like the first date, it failed to live up to my expectations. The date lasted only an hour; she had another scheduled appointment. I found out later that she’d made that appointment after agreeing to have dinner with me. I suppose she wanted to keep the second date short. It doesn’t matter. Over the course of the dinner, she dropped a bombshell: she wasn’t looking for a committed relationship any time soon. This was when I decided we simply weren’t meant to be. And that was when I decided to end our correspondence in terms of pursuing a relationship.

During the New Year’s holiday, I was noticeably miserable and my dad decides to give me a pep talk of sorts. At the time I didn’t pay attention to it but I remember hearing ‘King Solomon’ and ‘this too shall pass’. So later, I googled those things and found an old fable. Anyway, I came to realize that any situation, be it good or bad, can't last forever. And it was what gave me the strength to move on from my failed attempt at a new relationship. Since then, I like to think that I live by the words ‘this too shall pass’.

As I’m writing this, it would be the last time I ever saw her in person. There’s no hard feelings between us and it’s just a case of two people wanting different things. She occasionally texts me about my wellbeing and asks me when I’ll return to the gym.

Still at the start of 2022, my sister implored me to give dating apps a try once more. I’d experimented with them back in early 2020 but ended up getting ghosted by a girl whom I’d matched with. Still, I figured it wouldn’t hurt trying again. My cousin who’d been visiting from the US had also told me two simple words: “Have fun.” So I scrolled through a list of profiles and tapped whichever one stuck out to me. After several days, I received a reply, a match.

This girl was a senior in college who was still going to classes online. I’m surprised by her fondness of Ancient Greek and Roman architecture in our first conversation. After just one day of talking on the app, she suggests we start texting each other. I don’t think I’ve ever met a girl so talkative about a wide variety of topics. We could talk about history, architecture and even sports. At that point, I thought there was so much potential with her. She was super friendly in our conversations, asking me about my day and sending me pictures about what she was having for lunch and dinner. It seemed as though the pieces would fall into place.

But then, life had to throw me another curveball. And this was one I was least expecting. First, the year before, she had contracted the COVID virus that had crippled the world beginning in 2020. So naturally, since she’d gotten better, I assumed she’d gotten her vaccinations. This was where things got weird. She told me she hadn’t gotten her shots. I asked her why, silently assuming she had an underlying condition that prevented her from getting the jab. What she said next would leave me speechless. She had refused to get vaccinated after seeing her friends suffer from hair loss after getting their jabs. Yeah, that was her reasoning. I understand now that vaccinations are a personal choice and everyone has their own right on whether to get vaccinated or not.

And so I realized that she probably was not the girl for me, despite her overwhelming friendliness and our mutual interests. She seemed to check nearly all the boxes. Nearly. Just when I thought things were going so well…

We continued to text although I was no longer entertaining the thought of pursuing a relationship with her. About a month in, she asks me how I feel about her. Honestly, I wasn’t sure mostly because we hadn’t met in person. And that was on me because I wasn’t willing to meet her unless she got vaccinated. So I told her I couldn’t give her an answer. She then tells me I shouldn’t like her because someone else has already told her that they liked her. At that moment, I feel like I’ve been freed. Then I tell her to go with it and we stop texting.

She did text me again once asking how I was doing a little over a month ago. She seemed to be doing well with the guy she’s going out with. I told her that I thought there was some potential between the two of us, although she said that I was difficult to get through to; as if I’d built a wall around myself. Perhaps that’s the case with me. And all I can say to that is that maybe I haven’t found the right person willing to spend time to break down that wall around me.

Either way, despite how things ended with both girls, I’m glad they happened the way they did. Because the experiences have helped me grow emotionally. And as the old fable says, ‘this too shall pass’. And hopefully one day, I find that girl because I now realize that, while I cherish the single solitary life, I also yearn for love.

Letter V: August 13, 2023

So it’s been over a year since Part IV and so many things have happened since then, both bad and good. While I was pretty good at my initial job at Bovine Beverage, I admit that sometimes it got a little too much for me to handle. My original department supervised over 200 staff members who worked in the field and it was my job to submit their requests to enter online data regarding partner stores yada-yada. But yeah, sometimes it got a bit overwhelming. So in April 2022, my family goes on a long holiday to Hawaii. I’d never been there my entire life and this was my first time travelling overseas since COVID hit. Nevertheless, I was in paradise once we landed. I’d never felt happier, enjoying every moment I was in the Rainbow State. But of course, it all had to come to an end.

But I was a different person once we landed in Bangkok. For some reason, I’d developed an extreme irrational fear of COVID. I don’t know why but for some reason, I was afraid to catch it. While other people were wearing just face masks, I was wearing a face mask and a face shield. Looking back, it was definitely overkill and I was definitely paranoid. Perhaps I was scared because the greatest fear of them all is the fear of the unknown. And at the time, I didn’t know what it was like to get COVID. My colleagues were also aware of my ever-growing paranoia and while they joked about it, they were also kind enough to ease my fears at the same time. If someone in our department had so much as a cough or sore throat, they’d keep their distance from me. Nevertheless, I continued doing my work in my department up until November 2022. By then, I had been considering resigning from Bovine and exploring other options. But the problem was… I didn’t have any other options yet. I honestly just planned on quitting and taking an extended break.

But then, one of the company executives informs me that I’m being transferred to a new department. To this day, I have no clue what it does but from what I can gather, it was basically a centralized department where all the subdepartments of the sales channels in the company meet. I regret saying yes at her proposition. But it wasn’t like I could decline either. About less than two months in, one of the younger guys working in the department takes me aside and lets me help him work on a more digital-based project instead. It has to do with enhancing the B2B aspect of the company. He believes it’s better than having me sit for the entire office day in long-ass meetings. And at first, it seems to go well. My job mainly consists of approving artwork and captions that will be published on texting apps. Truth be told, I’m working close to 15 minutes a day. And before I know it, I’m one step closer to becoming the thing I swore not to become: a nepo baby who only got the job because of his father’s connections.

At that same time, my mind is strolling down a rather dark path. Perhaps it’s the long time I’ve spent at Bovine Beverages finally wearing down on me. Not only do I talk about offing myself to my family, but I also entertain the idea of erasing certain individuals at the office. Sometimes, I feel so angry that I want to act out on certain people at the office who I perceive to be bullies, regardless of whether or not they have families to support. Doesn’t matter to me, I just wanted to know what it felt like to take a life. And it might as well be a life I deemed worthless. So many thoughts swirled in my mind: from detonating an explosive on the top floor (where all the executives worked) to using a firearm on all floors of the office building. I was in a very dark and twisted place in my mind. It was a combination of lacking direction and the imbalance of chemicals in my brain that perhaps causes this. That was when my dad and sister intervened. They had me go see a psychologist who, after hearing what I had to say, put me on a good old dose of Lexapro. I can say I’ve been feeling much better since then and those thoughts are locked away.

So my birthday rolls around and my friends from college, especially Mel and Val, are very eager to host a dinner for me. So I got Val to schedule a date one week after my actual birthday at a nearby Western restaurant and the guest list includes my sister, Mel, Flora, Val, and Madison. My friends gift me with a custom t-shirt consisting of pictures of me and my Labrador, which I really loved. But I was starting to feel a little strange that night. A sore throat was flaring up but I chalked it up to the McDonald’s french fries I had for lunch. I went to bed that night, expecting to wake up feeling a little better. Instead, I woke up feeling a lot worse. My head and body were aching, my throat wasn’t feeling any better. At first, due to the dark clouds outside, I thought it was a result of the drastic weather change. So I rest on the living room couch and try sleep it off. An hour later, I don’t feel any better. So something tells me to go to my room and take an ATK test. I do a saliva test to make absolutely sure. In less than 5 minutes, I am absolutely shocked when I see two lines appear, indicating a positive COVID test. For over two years, I had evaded the virus but it had finally caught up with me. Game over.

I call my sister to let her know I had caught COVID. She sends me all the proper medication and tells me to isolate for 5 days. Bless her soul. I also key in my sick leave days at the office because of this. But much to my dismay, my requests for a sick leave are disapproved. When I call HR for an explanation, it turns out that the company had a new policy where you needed a doctor’s note for COVID to get approved for sick leave. When I tried telling them that I had all the necessary medication and seeing a doctor would not be necessary, they shot me down and said I needed a note no matter what. I was fuming at that point but had no choice. So I took a motorbike taxi to a nearby clinic to procure a note to finally get those damn sick days approved. I felt bad for exposing those motorbike taxis to the virus.

Afterwards, I lay in my bed still angry with HR. I had so many bad words swirling in my head. Eventually, I got my laptop and opened Adobe Illustrator. From there, I got to designing a t-shirt that basically cursed HR. The funny part? That t-shirt actually got made. Along with 9 other t-shirts. So that turned out to be a productive session where I designed 10 custom t-shirts for myself. The reason I mention this incident is because it was the beginning of my inspiration of starting a clothing line.

When my isolation ended and I returned to work, I had a new perspective. I was no longer paranoid and I was more lively. I found myself starting the podcast I’d long talked about wanting to start since 2020. For a long time, I pondered what my podcast would be about. But the answer was right in front of me. My passion was and had always been combat sports. So I started a podcast about combat sports. Using the smartphone my dad had gotten for my birthday, a pair of discount headphones, and a tripod I found in the street market, I’d built myself my first podcast setup. And on June 17, 2023, I recorded the first episode to my podcast. A second episode followed the next day. Since then, I’ve upgraded my setup with a new microphone.

But there were still issues at work. From 15 minutes of work a day, I felt that it had gone down to 5 minutes a day. There were many instances where I was sleeping at the office. Like I said, I’d become the very thing I hated: the nepo kid who got in because of his dad’s good graces. With the podcast, at least I was able to fill my free time editing videos. Also, with the clothing venture, I could experiment with different designs and colors. But then, the company issued another policy. No outside work was to be done on company property. This was when I made what will soon be a life-changing decision. Near the end of July 2023, I approached the head of the sales department and asked him the steps I needed to take if I wanted to resign. I told him I was ready to leave and commit to my podcast on a fulltime basis. If I had to choose between the podcast or my 9-to-5, I would choose the podcast. And I would make sure that I would expand my content so that I could continue to draw in more audiences. Before I knew it, I’d filled out the resignation forms and I’m due to come in for my last day of work on August 28, 2023.

One day, out of the blue, I decided to invite my friends over to my renovated home for dinner. I wanted them to see my new place and to meet my dog. Of the four people invited, three accepted the invitation: Mel, Val, and Paula. Flora already had a prior engagement. Deep down, I wanted to meet Paula again after not seeing her for three years. Paula said in the group chat that she would probably be late. So I meet up with Mel and Val first and we have dinner at my house. This is where the fun begins. It turns out that both Mel and Val are no longer as close to Paula as they were before. “It’s not that I hate her,” Val said, “It’s that I’m disappointed in her.” When I ask her to elaborate, it turns out that Paula had some difficulty finding a job to her liking after getting her master’s in the UK. So she asked Val to refer her to Val’s new workplace. When the place offered her the same salary as Val, Paula asked Val to get the company to bump the number up. It took a while but I assumed they got the number to Paula’s liking. But then Paula wasn’t happy with the vacation days she got. Having worked in Thailand for 5 years now, I’ve learned not to expect many vacation days, especially in your first year. Paula still asked Val to ask her employers if there was any way they could increase the number of vacation days. When there was no way around it, Paula unashamedly asked Val to ask her employers that if she were to decline their offer, would they still make it available if she were to come back? The entire time, Paula was sweet-talking Val as if they were the best of friends. Now spoiler alert, Paula found another job that checked all her boxes. And afterward, she disappeared on both Val and Mel.

Now I’d long gotten over Paula in terms of love but I was curious and asked Mel about her status. Mel told me that Paula did in fact have a boyfriend. He was five years younger and was the son of a local politician in the eastern region of the country. The two had met while she was studying for her master’s in the UK. What’s crazier is that she started dating him two weeks after he’d broken up with his girlfriend, which makes me wonder how she’d had her eyes on him. Now, this next part I don’t know if Val said this just to get me riled up but she told me that some time after I confessed my feelings to Paula, Paula said to her that there was just no way she would’ve ever chosen me. Knowing her true nature now, I guess I dodged a bullet. And I hope she finds the happiness she’s looking for.

And I just want to say it again, the greatest fear of all is the fear of the unknown. I’m afraid of life after quitting my 9-to-5. Or rather, I’m afraid of what to expect. For five years, I’ve worked in the 9-to-5, clocking in at 9 AM and then clocking out at 6 PM. After August, it’s going to be a whole different world for me. I’ll be setting the rules and the work hours from now on. Truth be told, I never thought my dream of working as a YouTuber would come true. But to be fair, my channel has yet to become monetizable. But I do love what I do on YouTube, whether it’s the podcast or covering fight events on-site. It’s kind of like what I would’ve gotten to do at Siam Fighting but with my own rules and no boundaries holding back. So despite my fear, there is also a lot of excitement and I am looking forward to what comes next.

Stuck

I stop and realize I’m back where I was this entire time. Strange. After all those twists and turns, I figure I would’ve been somewhere else by now. Except… I don’t know where exactly. I just wasn’t expecting to be back at the same place.

So I start walking. No… I start running, hoping that the speed will carry me to someplace new. Hoping that I will get away from here. And as I close my eyes, I’m already picturing my new destination. Green grass and bright blue skies. No more will I have to deal with this darkness. The same darkness that has been dragging me down.

But my hopes are dashed when my open my eyes. It can’t be. The endless dark void greets me once more. How is this possible? Running this whole time… it was all for nothing? A fruitless attempt at escape. Yet, there is more to my shortcomings.

The walls start closing in around me. And despite my best attempts to push them back, their crushing force is simply too much. I can no longer fully extend my arms in any direction. The rumbling comes again and, this time, the ceiling bears down towards me as try in vain to push it back up. It is no use. It is time I call these five walls home. I sit down in this new space, resigning myself to my fate.

No matter how far or how fast I run, I end up in the same place: the dark, endless void. And eventually, it becomes a prison that will not allow me to go anywhere. I cannot escape. I am stuck.

Starting Over, Time and Time Again

Perhaps one of my all-time favorite films is The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. The cinematography, the writing, Peter Jackson’s ability to bring Tolkien’s books to the big screen… nothing will ever compare in this lifetime. But the older I get, the more certain quotes stick out to me. “How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.” More recently, I’ve been asking myself this very same question.

Job 1: Relaxing in Retail

Though I haven’t reached the age of 30, I’ve fallen over more times than I can count. Whether if it’s in my personal or professional life. Or maybe perhaps both aspects of my life are intertwined. After all, setbacks at work can eventually have an effect on my personal life. In the span of 4 years since graduating college, I’ve already worked at 3 companies. My first job after college was in the online content department of a retail company. In all due honesty, it was a rather comfortable job and I have nothing but good things to say. The hours were fair, the commute was easy, and the workload was decent. Still, I was at a stage of my life where I wanted to work in a field that I was actually passionate about. That’s when I heard about a certain sporting event company that was always looking to hire.

Job 2: Crawling Away from Combat Sports

You see, for as long as I can remember, I always loved combat sports. And this company seemed to check all the boxes (at the time). I thought that working there would be my dream job and I could see myself working there for many years to come. My job would be to help bolster the company’s visibility to a more global level, which meant helping manage the social media platforms. So after 14 months with my first company, I finally set out to start a new journey with the sporting event company. However, in less than two weeks, my vision of this being the company of dreams were crushed. Aside from the long commute, the people there were high on the toxicity spectrum. Then there were expectations that we had to hand in million-dollar work while working on a hundred-dollar budget, so to speak. Any proposals my colleagues and I had were brushed aside without so much of a second thought. And within two months, I felt the shitty work environment begin to take its toll on my mental health. The bad people were only getting worse and the job I was promised was not at all what it was. Basically, I was a glorified web page administrator. I couldn’t believe I took a paycut to work in what I thought would be my dream job. Instead, it was a con to work for a company that would never grow. Three months in, my morale was completely drained. I regretted my decision of leaving my first job and felt that I would’ve better off staying there. The work was tiring me out so much that, already an introvert, I began going out to see friends even less. After six months, I felt completely defeated. That was until my dad offered me a job through his friend. I finally had an out.

Job 3: Food & Beverage Burns Me Out

Of course, I took the offer immediately. But then I realized there would be lot of picking up of broken pieces to be done. Ultimately, I’d have to start from scratch. It was a food and beverage company. I honestly didn’t know the first thing about that. But I’d already taken the job; there was no backing out now. I remember completely fucking up my job interview with the then-head of marketing; I suppose that’s why I’m not working in that department. Nevertheless, I was in a new company. It was a fresh start. I started getting better again. I would go out to see friends and catch up on things now that I was in a better headspace. Before I knew it, I was learning new things and was making myself useful to a certain extent. For a time, I felt that this new company was the perfect balance between my first company and second company. After I surpassed the 14-month mark, I began to think that maybe this could be the job for me. But then things aren’t always as they seem.

When I entered 2022, I was also given a raise. But what that entailed was a bit more work. You see, in my department, we oversee over 250 people who work in the field. And let me tell you something, each of these 250 people can sometimes be a pain in the ass to deal with. And after nearly two years of dealing with said people, I began to realize how soul-sucking my job was. I suppose in exchange for greater pay, I was giving away bits of my soul. Even on Saturdays, I felt like I was a doctor who was on call whenever these field guys came calling. And I started to wonder, “Where the fuck did my weekend go?” The cycle was once again repeating itself. When I did have free time on the weekends, I’d be clueless as to watch on Netflix, Disney, or Prime. I’d forget what my favorite channels on YouTube were. This was how much my work was once again beginning to affect me. And so when I reached the two-year anniversary of my third job, I’ve begun contemplating what to do next. Finishing out 2022 is certain. But I’m not so keen about sticking around for 2023.

Final Thoughts

Leaving will most definitely mean having start all over again. I’m quite sure that even if I go to another company that I perceive as being “better”, I’ll probably end up getting stuck in the same vicious cycle where I get drained of my morale and my soul gets sucked out of me. Lately, I’ve been thinking about doing something on my own. A podcast? A YouTube channel? A little bit of both? Honestly, I don’t have much confidence on those endeavors succeeding but I do feel like I need a long break from routine office work. As long as I have yet to discover my passion, I think I need to get away from office work and try some things out. And though I have to start over again, I don’t think I’m in a rush.

I Will Never Forgive

There’s a saying by Mahatma Gandhi that goes, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.” Gandhi, you were wise and inspirational and all that but… forget you! How can you call people unwilling to forgive others weak?! Sorry, I’m stepping out of line here but I think this saying is a little unwarranted. Forgive and forget. That’s usually how it goes. But it can be difficult for some people to do so, myself included. Sometimes I can forgive but I won’t forget. Then there’s those times where I just can’t bring myself to forgive. Today, I talk about one individual in particular: HR guy.

I’ll be referencing my time at my second place of employment a lot here. Because it was a living nightmare the entire time I worked there. And why was it a nightmare? The people, of course! There were a lot of things they did and said that were enough to make me want to commit homicide. For example, talking about my father! So how does leaving a little mess in the office have anything to do with my father?! I remember the HR guy crossing his arms and saying to my face, “Don’t let your actions reflect poorly on your father.” We had just known each other for less than a week. And he has the audacity to talk to a stranger about their parent! To me, he crossed a line. Punching him in the face wearing brass knuckles and stomping him on the head would’ve been better than what he deserved. That day, he revealed to me what a sorry, pathetic excuse of a pile of shit he was.

Then there was his abuse of authority. His constant need to intimidate every employee in the office. People were basically reluctant to take leave days, thanks to this motherfucker. I remember a story from a younger colleague where she was scheduled to take a leave day due to family matters. As luck would have it, a number of people would be gone on that particular day, including me. I was the first one to hand in my leave day form and she was the second. She also made sure to inform the others in the office that she would be away that day. But HR guy calls her to his office and rips into her, complaining so many people were taking leave days. They were within their rights! Then he was talking about how he also had to go to a parent-teacher conference that same day. I honestly don’t see how that concerns anyone else at the office. You see, this piece of shit fucks off whenever he pleases but makes a big deal whenever someone else wants to take a vacation day. He is by far the biggest workplace hypocrite I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting.

I suppose I took issue with him and his brother-in-law owner having us to come into the office during the early phases of the pandemic. Now, we were talking pre-testing and pre-vaccines. Everyone was essentially vulnerable. Sure, a majority of the employees lived within walking distance of the office. But then there were a select few who lived far away and had to rely on public transportation to commute to work. Didn’t matter, we were required to come to work as usual. I recall an incident where my colleague discovered that her boyfriend’s grandfather had been infected. I don’t know how the interactions but ultimately, she was forced to quarantine at home at the request of HR guy himself. After about a week, HR guy tears into her for not coming to work. Excuse me? You were the one who insisted on the quarantine and for your information, she has been working from home to the best of her abilities. On the other hand, you’re HR in name only. You possess no skills of an office worker whatsoever. The only reason you work here is because, well… the company owner fucked your sister! So for him to call out people for “not doing work”, it’s kind of ironic. In the meantime, the others are struggling to meet deadlines. As far as I’m concerned, he’s getting paid to do nothing.

All that being said, I was relieved when I handed in my resignation after six months with the company. While I told him I was leaving due to health concerns, deep down he was part of the reason. As I sat in the office listening to his “advice” about taking care of myself, I could only think, “I hope for my sake and yours that I never see you ever again.”

And I mean this because if I ever see him again, I don’t think I can guarantee his safety. I’m not talking about challenging him to a fist fight. It’s going to be on sight; it may probably even be an ambush if the opportunity presents itself. When it all comes down, it’s not about being fair or honorable. If I’m pissed enough, I’ll resort to whatever means necessary, even if most people consider it dirty. So if I could sucker-punch, curb-stomp, soccer-kick, or eye-gouge him, believe me when I say I’d be more than happy. I also wouldn’t rule the use of weapons. I used to like switchblades but lately, I’ve had a thing for boxcutters.

So in conclusion, I will never forgive HR guy for what he put me through during my six months working at my previous company. Sure, I can also place some of the blame on his brother-in-law but the guy’s not as big of a cunt (it’s a debatable point). But the things he did and said to me are beyond forgivable and given the chance, nothing would satisfy me more than to inflict pain upon him.

An Open Letter to Myself, Pt. IV

Hello again, I’m back. We’re far from over, dear reader. After all, the only certain thing in life is that nothing is certain. And the only constant is change. So here I am once again. It’s crazy to believe that since my very first entry, it’s been close to four years. Now I’m 27 years old and getting closer to 30. It all feels so surreal now that I’m actually living it out. But that’s life for you… or for me, I guess.

For the Money

In my previous entry, I started working at my current place of employment on September 16, 2020. As am writing this, I have been working there for 1 year and 9 months. In the three jobs I’ve worked since graduating college, I can now say this is the place where I’ve worked the longest. Yay! Initially, I was paid the same monthly salary as my two previous places of employment. Honestly, I didn’t really care I was grateful that I had a place to work after leaving my old job on bad terms.

But then a year passed, I eventually gleaned new knowledge regarding from my new job. Before long, I finally had a clear purpose. That also meant doing more work. Of course, doing more work, I was expecting a bump up in my pay. One year after I started, my monthly salary stayed the same so I kept waiting. Until February 2022 came along. My boss, son of the company owner, asks me one morning what my current salary was. I told him and he is surprised at the amount I am making. Let’s just say it is less than what he was expecting to hear. He goes on to tell me that he’ll make sure it goes up. And wouldn’t you know it, I find that on my next paycheck that my salary has skyrocketed by a substantial amount! Hey, I’m very grateful for this pay raise and I make sure to give my 100% at work every day.

I’m going to get into why I’m bringing up the topic of pay up. When I first started working at my current company, I was taken under the wing of some people who had started there a year before me. They were experienced in sales work and were workaholics to an extent. Anyway, I remember a conversation they had with me about how the company had so much potential and that the owner was a swell guy who was worth working for. The latter part I can confidently affirm. But one of them also goes on about how he’s never in it for the pay and goes on to bash people who come into work to collect paychecks. Back then, I paid it no heed. Fastforward to now, I take some issue with what he said.

I call bullshit on him saying that he’s not working for the money. I don’t know the exact amount he was or is making but I’m certain that he gets paid more than twice the amount I make per month. So with that said, he’s more than financially stable to provide for himself and his family. But I want to draw up a hypothetical situation. Let’s say the company had to cut costs and everyone’s salary had to be halved, including his. Would he still have the same mindset? Would he still say he doesn’t do it for the money? I highly doubt it. What I’m highly confident about is that I come to work every day to get paid. Every payment period, I’m expecting to see a new amount in my bank account. Hate me if you want, but what I do, I do it for the money. Yes, I’m just here to collect a paycheck but I also make sure I do my best at work.

Back in the Game (Briefly)

Near the end of 2021, I decided to get back into the dating game again. After the bittersweet conclusion to the Palita saga back in July 2020, I took some time off to heal from some shall we say… emotional wounds. All it took was Instagram advertisement from the MMA gym with whom I had a membership to get me off the bench. As it turned out, a staff member from the aforementioned gym was used as a model in the ad and I found myself attracted.

So I reached out to the gym’s manager, who I was already acquainted with, and asked for details. It was a sort of like me asking, “Could you introduce us?” So she acquiesced to my request and I visited the gym in November 2021 to meet this girl. One thing that immediately stands out to me is that she’s way taller than me. I’m 165 centimeters (5’5”) while this girl towers over me at approximately 175 centimeters (5’9”). As if the height difference wasn’t enough, she’s got all the makings of a magazine cover girl. Aesthetically, this girl is way out of my league. But for some reason, my self-confidence is unusually high and I’m determined to get her to like me. Looking back, I laugh at that version of myself.

I remember the first two times we met, I went to go see her two days in a row on the weekend. It was a total of 15 hours that I spent with her at the gym. In retrospect, I may have come off as a bit of a creep. Granted, I hadn’t hit on anyone for over 9 years by then. She was really nice to me in all the time we spent together. Although this may have been because I was a customer of the gym and she was an employee, it’s difficult to determine.

Both my self-esteem and anxiety were tested when it came to our texting exchanges, which were few and far between. I’ll put it this way: if I sent three texts, she would reply with one. And while I would reply to her in less than a minute, she would take up to 7 hours to respond to me. Needless to say, it really messed with my mind.

Still, I was determined to go on a date with her. And eventually, I scored a first date with her early in December. We went to grab some coffee on her day off from work. Much to my chagrin, we mostly conversed about work and the date lasted an underwhelming one hour. Nevertheless, I scheduled a second date with her for Christmas. I won’t say it was a disaster but like the first date, it failed to live up to my expectations. The date lasted only an hour; she had another scheduled appointment. I found out later that she’d made that appointment after agreeing to have dinner with me. I suppose she wanted to keep the second date short. It doesn’t matter. Over the course of the dinner, she dropped a bombshell: she wasn’t looking for a committed relationship any time soon. This was when I decided we simply weren’t meant to be. And that was when I decided to end our correspondence in terms of pursuing a relationship.

During the New Year’s holiday, I was noticeably miserable and my dad decides to give me a pep talk of sorts. At the time I didn’t pay attention to it but I remember hearing ‘King Solomon’ and ‘this too shall pass’. So later, I googled those two things and found an old fable. Anyway, I came to realize that any situation, be it good or bad, can't last forever. And it was what gave me the strength to move on from my failed attempt at a new relationship. Since then, I like to think that I live by the words ‘this too shall pass’.

As I’m writing this, it would be the last time I ever saw her in person. There’s no hard feelings between us and it’s just a case of two people wanting different things. She occasionally texts me about my wellbeing and asks when I’ll return to the gym.

Still at the start of 2022, my sister implored me to give dating apps a try once more. I’d experimented with them back in early 2020 but ended up getting ghosted by a girl I’d matched with. Still, I figured it wouldn’t hurt trying again. My cousin who’d been visiting from the US had also told me two simple words: “Have fun.” So I scrolled through a list of profiles and tapped whichever one stuck out to me. After several days, I received a reply, a match.

This girl was a senior in college who was still going to classes via Zoom. I’m surprised by her fondness of Ancient Greek and Roman architecture in our first conversation. After just one day of talking on the app, she suggests we change to talking on LINE (Thailand’s equivalent of WhatsApp). I don’t think I’ve ever met a girl so talkative about a wide variety of topics. We could talk about history, architecture and even sports. At that point, I thought there was so much potential with her. She was super friendly in our conversations, asking me about my day and sending me pictures about what she was having for lunch and dinner. It seemed as though the pieces would fall into place.

But then, life had to throw me another curveball. And this was one I was least expecting. First, the year before, she had contracted the virus that had crippled the world beginning in 2020. So naturally, since she’d gotten better, I assumed she’d gotten her vaccinations. This was where things got weird. She told me she hadn’t gotten her shots. I asked her why, silently assuming she had an underlying condition that prevented her from getting the jab. What she said next would leave me speechless. She had refused to get vaccinated after seeing her friends suffer from hair loss after getting their jabs. Yeah, that was her reasoning.

And so I realized that she probably was not the girl for me, despite her overwhelming friendliness and our mutual interests. She seemed to check nearly all the boxes. Nearly. Just when I thought things were going well…

We continued to text although I was no longer entertaining the thought of pursuing a relationship with her. About a month in, she asks me how I feel about her. Honestly, I wasn’t sure mostly because we hadn’t met in person. And that was on me because I wasn’t willing to meet her unless she got vaccinated. So I told her I couldn’t give her an answer. She then tells me I shouldn’t like her because someone else has already told her that they liked her. At that moment, I feel like I’ve been freed. Then I tell her to go with it and we stop texting.

She did text me again once asking how I was doing a little over a month ago. She seemed to be doing well with the guy she’s going out with. I told her that I thought there was some potential between the two of us, although she said that I was difficult to get through to; as if I’d built a wall around myself. Perhaps that’s the case with me. And all I can say to that is that maybe I haven’t found the right person willing to spend time to break down that wall around me.

Either way, despite how things ended with both girls, I’m glad they happened the way they did. Because the experiences have helped me grow emotionally. And as the old fable said, ‘this too shall pass’. And hopefully one day, I find that girl because I now realize that, while I cherish the single solitary life, I also yearn for love.

Reminisce: The High School Years, Hong Kong

I like to reflect upon my time abroad, both in the United States and Hong Kong. High school was definitely a memorable period in my life and it was made all the more unforgettable due the fact it was spent overseas. In 2009, I began my freshman year of high school in the United States. In 2012, I moved to a new school in Hong Kong and graduated in 2014. In my late 20’s, it’s nice to occasionally reminisce about my teenage years. More specifically, it’s nice to be reminded about Hong Kong, a place that I hold dear to my heart.

Harrow Hong Kong

I moved to Hong Kong in September 2012, where I was to begin my studies at the newly opened Harrow International School Hong Kong. I would part of the first graduating class. Boarding school as usual, though it would be much closer to home. During breaks, it would only be a two-hour flight. To me, it was an improvement from the 22 total hours of flight time between New York and Bangkok.

As we leave the city and head out for the school, I notice that the campus is unusually far out. I’d never heard of the New Territories of Hong Kong, let alone Tuen Mun. But these would become names I would eventually come to memorize. It’s almost 45 minutes before the taxi cab finally arrives at the school. The campus is surprisingly an amazing sight to behold. Unlike my previous school, it’s got a modern look to it. But then again, it had just completed construction. I’m even more impressed when we get to the residential halls. Airconditioned rooms! To say the least, it was a stark contrast to what I had in the United States: two people per room, no airconditioning, and communal bathrooms. I would’ve happily called my new living quarters a five-star hotel. I suppose those were the benefits of being a senior.

In short, high school in Hong Kong got off to a good start. I was taking four AS classes that year: Math, Further Math, Economics, and Physics. Looking back, I had absolutely no business taking Physics. I enjoyed Economics the most because the teacher was a fun guy. In reality, I was a subpar student in the British curriculum. Coming from the US, I hadn’t even been an AP student. So when I came into British system in Hong Kong, it was the equivalent of getting thrown to the sharks. I’m not proud of my academics in high school but they did not influence who I’ve become, so I can look past them all.

The Chloe Chronicles

Now, my favorite topic: love life. At that point, at just 17 years old, I had given up on relationships. Here’s the thing, I was a loner and an introvert. How could I have possibly thought I would get a girlfriend with my demeanor and attitude, right? I was, however, proven wrong during senior orientation. Now, aside from my dorm neighbor Clarence, I had also befriended two of my Economics classmates: Crystal and Kristy. They were actually a trio that was complete with another girl Chloe. At the orientation, Chloe seemed to take an interest in me. Or rather, she was extra friendly with me. I took this well and from that day on, Clarence and I became friends with the CCK trio.

Over the weeks, Chloe and I grew closer, despite not being in any of each other’s classes. However, I like to think Clarence and I were close with CCK. Eventually, on November 2012, Chloe invited all of us to her birthday party. To me, it was great not only because I would be attending a social gathering but also because I would be leaving the dorm. Unfortunately, I never made it to the party due to a medical mishap. An epileptic seizure forced me to spend the night at a nearby hospital for observation.

When I woke up the next morning, apart from a phone call from Clarence checking on me, the first message I got was from Chloe. She asked what happened and how I was feeling. I hope she was genuinely worried for me at the time. At the time, it really felt like she was. And seeing those messages made me smile. I know I was caught in what may have been a life-threatening situation but the concern she showed afterwards really warmed my heart.

Despite missing the party, I was discharged in time to catch up with the crew at a shopping mall. There, I got to talking about my fondness for dogs with Chloe. She revealed that she too was a dog lover and owned one as well. I then talked about how I lost my dog a few years prior. That was when she pulled a move I didn’t quite expect. She pulled me in for a consoling hug. Unsure of what to do, I decided to reciprocate the gesture and wrapped my arms around her as well. Not going to lie, I really felt my heartbeat pick up the pace in that moment. I will never know for sure but I often pinpoint this moment as when I developed feelings beyond friendship toward her.

In the following days, Chloe and I continued to frequently converse through WhatsApp. In all my life, I don’t think I’ve texted someone so often before or since. I was beginning to reevaluate my friendship with her. By now, I was slowly realizing that I liked her. At dinner, I made it a point to sit directly across from her so I could look at her. And afterwards, we would walk together and talk until we had to go up to our dorms for roll call. The entire time, I had no idea what she was thinking.

Things began to unravel one Wednesday night. It was November 21, 2012, the entire dorm was watching “The Other Guys” but I couldn’t be bothered to join. Instead, I was preoccupied with conversing with Chloe on WhatsApp. Things were going the usual direction until she sent me a hint in the form of Black Veil Brides’ “Rebel Love Song”. Being me, I didn’t get this first hint. And we continued conversing. Then she texted a set of words that caught me off guard, “I want to know how you feel about me.” I was dumbstruck, speechless. This was a situation I’d never been in. At first, I tell her that I’d been having feelings beyond friendship toward her. She responds with not wanting to be friends anymore. This is when I start to freak out. In a panic, I sought out help from my other dorm neighbor Ilkay. He calmly instructs me on how to respond and well… Chloe and I became official that night. Thanks, Ilkay.

After a little more texting, we started a phone call that lasted late into the night. Again, I’d never talked on the phone this long before or since. The curse was finally broken. Having thought I would be single for the rest of my life, I had finally changed my destiny. Was I overjoyed? Absolutely. I was over the moon. I was finally being appreciated as more than a friend.

It took some time for me to adjust to this new arrangement but, eventually, I grew into our new relationship. But if I could mark a turning point in our relationship, it would have to be December 1, 2012. I had left the dorm to spend the weekend afternoon with Chloe. It was a regular date consisting of lunch, a movie and then dinner. But it was what happened after that changed everything. Looking back, it sort of happened in synchronization. As I waited in line to get a taxi cab, we hugged before closing the distance between each other with a kiss. I was stunned once more but was struck by a jolt of joy. It was from then on that I became more confident in expressing myself. I began holding her hand in public with the utmost confidence, I would plant kisses on her cheek even when she didn’t ask me to, and we’d steal kisses in the various stairways of the school. Yeah, you could say the two of us were somewhat trigger-happy with our PDA. In retrospect, I sometimes cringe thinking about how we were both young and having fun. But I take back nothing.

Because after all, if it weren’t for Chloe, I probably would’ve remained a virgin until now. But she happened and life had plans for me. From my first kiss on December 1, 2012, life was going to make sure I’d lose my virginity to this girl, and she to me. At that point, we’d been dating for close to a year. We were in our final year of high school at Harrow and Chloe was celebrating her 18th birthday. Soon, she would be the legal age of consent and to celebrate this milestone, she opted to give me her virginity. On November 23, 2013, we purchased some contraceptives and booked a room at a love hotel for two hours. By now, you’re probably thinking, ‘Just like that? On her birthday?’ It’s crazy that it all happened so fast. Before we knew it, neither of us were no longer virgins.

But in retrospect, I don’t think I cherished my relationship with Chloe as much as I should have. There was so much more I could’ve done–so much more I could’ve said–but didn’t do. And just like that 19 months flew by and we were at the doorstep of graduation. I know I should’ve seen it coming but at the time I didn’t want to accept it. We were inevitably going to break up since she’d be attending college in Scotland while I’d be returning to Thailand. And as sad as it sounds, our relationship ended on rather bad terms. She pretty much told me we were over right before our graduation ceremony so the timing was less than ideal. What was meant to be a joyful day for me and my family pretty much went to hell.

Then there was the farewell party arranged by some staff where all the graduates (myself included) would attend. I don’t remember how long they’d planned it but I do recall I’d been looking forward to it before Chloe made our breakup official. So that night, I really wasn’t in the mood to celebrate. It was all made worse by the seating plan that had Chloe and I sit together. Then Mrs. Morris, our dean, had us take a photo together, probably assuming we were still dating. We were hesitant but went through with it. After the party, the whole class made plans to go out clubbing in Lan Kwai Fong, the party hub of Hong Kong, to finish out the night. Initially, I thought about going. But Chloe told it’d be better that I didn’t. And just like that, I turned away and headed straight back to my hotel while the others (including Chloe) headed for the lights of LKF. I was miserable the entire MTR (Hong Kong subway) ride back and slowly walked along the near-empty city street that led back to the hotel. The only word I could use to describe my feelings inside at the time is ‘empty’. That was it, the end of Chloe and me.

Comeback

For a time, after high school graduation, I did my best to avoid thinking about my time in Hong Kong. This was probably due to Chloe. After all, she played a big part in my experience over there. But after graduating in 2014, I would find myself returning to Hong Kong for the first time in early 2016. It was with two of my friends from college. At first, we only explored the metropolitan areas and shopping hubs; tourist attractions, if you will. But eventually, after running out of things to do, I decided to drop by at Harrow International School. While I didn’t necessarily love the place, a deep part of me missed it.

And one day, the three of us hopped in a cab and headed for Tuen Mun. Four hundred Hong Kong dollars of cab fare later, I found myself stumbling upon a familiar sight. After stepping through the gates, I got to see a number of my close friends once again. After over a year of dwelling on painful memories, I welcomed the pleasant company that I so missed after graduating from Harrow. And I was reminded that my time here wasn’t all bad. I visited the dorms, the dining hall and took a walk around the soccer field, seeing a number of familiar faces in the process. All in all, it felt good to be back.

That night, I decided to walk the same city streets that I took when I was turned away from the afterparty the night of my graduation. The experience itself was bittersweet but left a smile on my face. I then realized that perhaps reliving that painful experience was a good thing. Because then I could also find the good in things that I originally thought were all bad.

And since then, every time I’ve visited Hong Kong, I try and find a time to walk the streets at night simply doing nothing. Just because every once in a while, it’s good to reminisce on certain things. Even if they’ve long come to pass.

An Overdue Second Chance

November 4, 2021… that’s probably when I decided to give love a second try. Before then, I suppose I’d all but given up hope at a life with someone who meant… well, a girlfriend. But as they say, nothing is set in stone. Just when I’d resigned myself to my fate, a social media advertisement from the MMA gym with which I have a membership catches my eye. An exceptionally attractive young woman graces the poster and I am immediately captivated. Do I know her? No. But it occurs to me that I really want to know her.

I reach out to the gym’s sales rep/manager, with whom I’m already acquainted with. After some inquiries, I find out that the woman on the ad is actually the gym’s new receptionist. She’s fresh out of college and—best of all—single. Despite not having met her, I let it be known that I want to win the receptionist over. Yes, for the first time in seven years, I’m actually looking to pursue a relationship. But this time, I would have to take a different approach. Things wouldn’t be as easy as they were in high school. Still, I had moved on after a bittersweet rejection over a year ago.

It began when I started following her on Instagram. To say the least, she is a sight for sore eyes. Seeing her through photos, I’m all the more eager to meet her in person. Our correspondence actually began on October 29, with me reacting to her Instagram Stories and her replying with emojis. In the beginning, they were small exchanges. Then she finally sent me a text for the first time on November 12, asking if I would be coming to the gym next week, to which I say yes. My heart lights up with joy upon seeing her message to me, even though I know to not think too much of it. We converse for a few minutes before I end the conversation saying that I looked forward to meeting her.

November 20 - November 21: First Meeting

So November 20 arrives and I return to the gym. Upon seeing her in person for the first time, I am at a loss for words. She looks more beautiful than in her photos. And her smile… my, that smile sent a warmth channeling through my heart. That day, while I didn’t come in for a training session, I spent a total of 9 hours at the gym, most of which were at the reception talking to her as much as I could. I found out she was 23 years old, came from the Chiang Rai province up north, had a preference for coffee, and that her job at gym was her second job.

I returned the next day for a training session, briefly meeting her to pick up a locker key and dropping it off. That was the first half. She messaged me that afternoon asking me if I was mad at her. I was caught off-guard at this. What would make her think such a thing? I asked her why she would think that. When I got no response, I hailed a ride back to gym and ended up spending another 6 hours there, clearing the air between us. Looking back, maybe it was a little too much on my part. But I guess sometimes we do crazy things when we feel strange things for people.

November 26 - November 28: I Like You

The following week, I begin to grow nervous. After spending over a combined 15 hours at the gym just to spend time with her, was she beginning to think I was a weirdo? Was she annoyed by me? While we intermittently exchanged texts, I still couldn’t shake off the feeling that maybe I’d done something wrong. Things would come to a head on November 26, 2021.

After confirming my booking for a 10 AM session and her telling me that she was coming into work at 12 PM, I decided to put all my cards on the table. I asked her two questions:

1. Whether or not she had a boyfriend.

2. If I was allowed to hit on her.

I realize it was a bold move and I may have rushed it. After all, we’d only been seeing each other for a week. But given my previous experiences, I was afraid taking things slow—in my case, too slow—would lead to my opportunity slipping away. She would tell me she didn’t have a boyfriend but said didn’t know how to answer the second question. That was when a colleague of mine read our conversation and said, “You idiot! Put yourself in the girl’s situation. How do you think people would react if a girl said, ‘Yeah, you can hit on me.’?! And her answer to your first question should already have answered the second question!” That’s when I realized he was making a point.

Before I could respond to her, she asks me why I liked her. I sent a message telling her I had no clear answer for her question. The only thing I knew was that every time I heard her voice or saw her smile, my heart would feel so warm in a way that couldn’t be explained. That text went unread for 7 hours, the entire time I was nearly overcome with anxiety. I would awake during the middle of the night to find that she had read and responded to my message saying that she was feeling shy after reading my response. It was enough to make me go back to sleep smiling.

Ultimately, I had let her know that I really liked her and was interested in pursuing something more than friendship. So I go in the next day to train, although she’s not due to come in an hour after I finish. I finish up my jiu-jitsu training, take a shower, and wait an hour before she finally arrives. I can’t explain to you the feeling I have once she steps through those doors. Once she gets settled down, I proceed to send some flirtatious texts even though she’s sitting right across from me. Perhaps it’s my shyness that prevents me from saying things out loud in front of the other people in the room with us. But at least, I want to let her know that I’m for real. I say things like, “How can I see that beautiful smile when you’ve got that mask on?” and “I’m going to be real honest, so beautiful!” For the latter, she jokingly responds, “Who do you mean?” With a smile, I text back, “You, of course!” It really does make my day. Apart from that, she also voices her frustrations about the little problems that come with her job. I’m willing to listen and ready to give helpful insight.

As I’m on my ride back home, she later texts me, apologizing for venting out to me. I respond that it’s no problem and that I’m always ready to listen to her. She then continues by saying that she still doesn’t understand what I see in her, saying that we were both at different levels. At that moment, I immediately responded with, “I believe in attraction over levels.” That and how she made my time spent at the gym more enjoyable, as well as how I wanted to make every moment I spent with her worth cherishing. I suppose it’s enough to soothe her.

On Sunday, I decided to ask her about something that had been bugging me. “Have I ever made you feel uncomfortable?” I texted her. She said no and asked me why I would ever think that. I mentioned the first day we met, where I’d spent 9 hours pretty much standing with her almost the entire time. I then said that making her uncomfortable was the last thing I ever wanted. She assures me that she has never felt uncomfortable and so I’m relieved.

November 29: Anxiety & Heartache

I forgot how anxious I could be when someone I really cared about wouldn’t answer my texts for an extended period of time. I guess the last time I felt like this was around my freshman year of college, 7 years ago. It was the period after my breakup with my first and—to date—only girlfriend. When we first met, I knew she had a habit of not reading messages right away and sometimes not responding to messages after reading them. Yet, with all that in mind, it still felt awful when it happened to me. She texted me one Monday noon and we talked for only two minutes before she stopped responding after less than ten messages between us. Several hours later, even after my texts had appeared as ‘Read’, she still hadn’t responded. This was where the feeling of heartache began creeping in. I knew it was a habit of hers, yet I couldn’t get rid of the dreadful feeling in my heart. After nearly four hours, I would send her another text asking her about work. She responded and I sent her a message cheering her on. It was read but went unanswered for three hours. While she later texted me an apology, it took her an hour to reply to my response.

I guess I’m writing this to document how I feel about this girl who I’ve only met three times and have known for a month. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way about someone. For the first time in seven years, I truly want to experience love again. I know it won’t come easy and I’m going to have to work for it. The worst part of it is the heartache. Knowing the type of person I am, I’m bound to get hurt in several ways. I really don’t know how things will play out. But come hell or high water, I’m willing to go the distance and take my chances in hopes that maybe—just maybe—I can start a relationship with this wonderful receptionist.

December Onwards

I suppose the month of December is when more feelings of doubt begin creeping in. I begin to feel that maybe this this girl just isn’t meant for me. Maybe. I just had a strange feeling whenever I spoke to her. There were times where my texts would go unanswered, even answered, for days at a time. This did well to aggravate my anxiety. Was this some kind of test? Or did she simply not reciprocate my feelings towards her. I wasn’t sure yet.

Nevertheless, I was adamant on pursuing a relationship with her. I wanted to at least try to ask her out on a date. Hell, at that point in time, my last date was 9 years ago. So that was exactly what I did. We had a date scheduled for December 8, 2021. But a few days before we were supposed to meet, I began to feel a lot of self-doubt. How could I possibly think that I could end up in long-term relationship with this girl? So much doubt was gnawing at me that I was considering calling off the date or just going through with it and abruptly ending things. That was until a pep talk from my dad, of all people, instilled me with just enough confidence to give this thing some effort.

We finally met for coffee. She had an iced espresso while I had myself the usual americano. It was a rather quick date, lasting all of one hour. I had scheduled the date for her day off from work, yet it had been so short. And for most of our time in each other’s company, we mostly talked about work. Listen, I enjoyed spending time with her outside of the gym and work. But work hadn’t been the ideal topic of conversation. Honestly, I didn’t learn much about her after that first date. It was still enough for me to try and give it one more shot.

By then, I was living with the reality that I wasn’t the only fish in her pond. After all, a girl with her looks would certainly have a lot of eyes on her. This actually dealt a lot of damage to my morale and self-confidence, the latter of which was pretty low to begin with. But being already damaged, I decided to push ahead and try for a second date with her. I also knew by then that a long-term relationship probably wasn’t on the horizon. But I wanted to cherish my time with her as much as possible. So I chose a special day for our second meeting: Christmas. I asked her if she’d be available to meet me for dinner that day. She said if she could give me her answer later. I figured, “No problem.”

Before then, I traveled to Pattaya after receiving an invitation from the gym to attend a bare-knuckle fighting event they were co-hosting. Of course, she would also be there work as a staff member. It was also the reason why I chose to attend. That and the fact that I love combat sports, duh! And that was when I decided to ask her again, “Will you go to dinner with me this Christmas?” This time, she said yes. But not before mentioning that she’d asked for permission from the gym manager aka her superior. It was at this time I was getting a sense that something fishy was going on. Like maybe the manager was pulling this girl’s strings whenever I was around. Perhaps it was she who dictated her every move when I’d asked her out on her first, and now second date. By now, I should’ve probably seen the red flags. Maybe I did but chose to ignore them. What mattered to me was that she had agreed to dinner on Christmas with me.

Let’s just say there were a few hitches in the date. Traffic was bad, and this was considering the fact that we both took public transportation. I ended up barely arriving on time for the dinner reservation while she ended up arriving late. Either way, our dinner went rather smoothly. We wound up talking about other things that didn’t pertain to our work, which came as quite a relief on my side. But it was at dinner where I also learned something important about her: she had no plans about being in a committed relationship. And right then and there, all my hopes and dreams about this girl were dashed. She then told me she was on a tight schedule. As it turned out, she had another appointment after dinner. So our dinner was cut to just an hour. Come to find out later, she had made this appointment, after agreeing to coming to dinner with me.

And that was the last time I met up with her. Things were silent between us after Christmas and I only sent her a total of one text message on New Year’s Eve. It was during that time when I realized that perhaps she simply just wasn’t meant for me. In fact, both of us were simply not meant for each other. We both wanted different things in our lives and our lifestyles were completely contrasting. From the looks of it, I don’t think neither of us were willing to make any changes in order to accomodate each other, which was fine. After all, we are free to live our own lives. And so I decided to end my pursuit once and for all when 2022 began. No text was sent, no phone call was made… I just simply walked away and ended any correspondence between us.

Epilogue

Looking back on all that’s happened, it all came down to incompatibility. She was fond of the night life and was highly outgoing. On the other hand, I was introverted and had no business partying at night. It was a life that I had put behind me, mostly due to my underlying condition. Then there was the fact that I pushed too hard for something to happen between us. And it blew up in my face. She simply wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. I could understand that; she was 23 at the time and wanted to enjoy her own life. We couldn’t give each other what we were looking for. After all I’ve been through in a span of just over one month, there’s no hard feelings and I wish her only the best in life. I hope that she finds what she’s looking for.

But whatever the case, I’m glad I decided to try my hand in pursuing love once again after several years of standing on the sidelines. After all, it had done me no good of playing the role of bystander. Standing idle and waiting for something magical to happen wasn’t the best idea. And when I decided to make my move on the receptionist girl, I felt for the first time that maybe not all hope was lost. Sure, it didn’t play out the way I’d hoped. But it showed me that there was so much out there in the world waiting to be discovered, whether if it’s experiences or people. This ordeal has given me the strength to continue searching, no matter how long it takes. Because ultimately, we deserve the things we crave. And for me, I suppose it is love that I crave.

The Different Styles of Kickboxing

Where I’m from, Muay Thai is the national sport. It’s become so popular that people from all around the world have traveled to Thailand to learn the art and compete at a high level. But to most Thais, Muay Thai is synonymous to all forms of kickboxing, which isn’t the case.

First, what is Muay Thai? The Thai word muay literally means boxing or combat. And then of course, we have Thai. Put these two together, you get Thai boxing. Essentially, Muay Thai is Thailand’s form of boxing. Makes sense; in Europe and the US, you have Western boxing where all you use are your fists. But then what about the other forms of boxing?

One of the most internationally recognized forms of kickboxing is probably K-1 rules aka Dutch kickboxing. To Thai audiences, K-1 rules is basically Muay Thai minus the elbows and clinching. The casual Muay Thai fan in Thailand would say these rules were designed to put Thai fighters at a disadvantage. Again, this isn’t true. The K-1 rules are a combination of karate, boxing and Muay Thai. Personally, I prefer K-1 rules over Muay Thai. Saying this in Thailand as a Thai national would be martial arts blasphemy.

But then there are the national kickboxing styles Thailand’s neighboring countries: Myanmar, Cambodia and Laos. So let’s get started, shall we?

1. Kun Khmer (Cambodia)

When I worked at Thai Fight, I noticed that aside from Thais, a large portion of the Facebook following consisted of Cambodian nationals. Now, this may be due to the fact that the company held an event in Cambodia back in 2017, raising awareness of the organization in the country. Since the company’s founding in 2010, a handful of Cambodian fighters have also competed at Thai Fight. All of them come from a Kun Khmer background. On the surface, Kun Khmer is almost identical to Muay Thai. Traditional fights last five rounds, each round spanning three minutes. I’ve watched several Kun Khmer fights on YouTube and have noticed one striking difference from Muay Thai: there’s not much of a feeling out process in the early rounds. Also, while fighters still kick, they tend to rely more on elbow strikes. In Muay Thai, the use of elbows is usually dependent on a fighter’s style. But Kun Khmer is an elbow-heavy martial art. Next to that, you have the background music. While the instruments and tempo is relatively similar to Muay Thai’s sarama, Kun Khmer’s vung phleng pradall emphasizes it’s own oboe called the sralai. There’s an ongoing rivalry between Muay Thai and Kun Khmer, where Muay Thai fighters go over to Cambodia to compete and Kun Khmer fighters come over to Thailand to showcase their skills. All in all, it doesn’t take much for a Muay Thai fighter to adapt to Kun Khmer rules just as it doesn’t take much for a Kun Khmer to adapt to Muay Thai rules.

1. Muay Lao (Laos)

At first glance, Muay Lao is very much the same as Muay Thai. Perhaps the only difference is the background music. Relative to Muay Thai, the music of Muay Lao is rather lively. However, Muay Lao isn’t as popular in Laos as Kun Khmer is in Cambodia or Muay Thai is in Thailand. Perhaps this is due to the fact that Muay Lao fighters get paid marginally less than Muay Thai fighters, making it impossible for Muay Lao to be a full-time profession. Competitions are few and far between, usually held at the semi-professional level. To put it lightly, it’s not as big a national pastime. But there have been a handful of Laotian nationals who’ve come over to test their skills in Muay Thai competitions in Thailand, experiencing mixed results.

1. Lethwei (Myanmar)

And last but not least, we have perhaps the biggest and baddest of them all: Lethwei. Instead of gloves, fighters don gauze wrappings, essentially competing bare-knuckle. Headbutts are permitted, making this the Art of 9 Limbs. Perhaps my most favorite aspect of Lethwei, however, is the fact that the only way you can win is to knock your opponent out. If both fighters remain standing after 5 rounds, the fight is automatically ruled a draw. This is what makes Lethwei such a brutal sport and the perfect embodiment of hand-to-hand combat. I’m no historian but I would assume that at one point in time, all the ASEAN forms of kickboxing were interchangeable with Lethwei. Many Burmese Lethwei fighters are known for their chin and their ability to withstand punishment. I feel that it’s what separates them from the other kickboxers in Southeast Asia. They are true warriors. Many fighters from neighboring countries have gone over to Myanmar to try their hand in Lethwei, with many being unable to withstand the punishment of the sport and getting knocked out before 5 rounds have elapsed. Still, I applaud any fighter who dares to dip their toes in the deep waters of Lethwei.

So there you have, it the styles of kickboxing in Southeast Asia. While Muay Thai is in my heart, I do have a soft spot for Lethwei. Which one do you like?

Walking Away From ONE Championship

Since the beginning of 2019, I was a huge fan of ONE Championship. “What is ONE Championship?” some of you might ask. Well, think UFC but marketed mainly towards a Southeast Asian audience. I preferred ONE over the UFC due their promoting of traditional martial arts values: honor, humility, respect, integrity etc. That and their lack of trash-talking to promote fights. For the past two years, I backed the organization every way I could. I bought every piece of ONE merchandise (clothing, accessories etc.) that caught my eye, liked every ONE social media post, and never missed ONE Championship event broadcast. The third part was probably a ritual I stuck to and was very proud of at the time. It was true… from February 2019 up until the date I'm writing this, I’d never missed a live broadcast of a ONE event. In fact, I saw my first ONE live event on August 16, 2019: ONE: Dreams of Gold. Were it not for COVID-19, I suppose the organization would’ve continued hosting events throughout the ASEAN region and I would’ve tried to catch another event or two in Thailand.

Horrible Judging

But since the beginning of September, I feel that I can no longer support ONE Championship the way I have for the past two years. They have messed up too many times. And I am done trying stand up for their mistakes as a fan. While the signs were there from the very beginning, things came to a head for me only this year. In combat sports, it’s not surprising when judges get the scoring wrong. But in the case of ONE Championship, it happens too often. And I’m talking blatant judging errors in which fighters who obviously won the fight ended up getting robbed. So far in 2021, I’ve personally witnessed 3 judging screw-ups in ONE events.

This is a huge number in mixed martial arts organization standards. And it’s not a good look for ONE Championship. Sure, ONE CEO Chatri Sityodtong has publicly stated he would schedule a rematch for one of those fights. But nothing’s actually come to fruition. In any case, there’s just too much botched judging that ruins the reputation and credibility of the self-proclaimed “Home of Martial Arts”.

I decided to end my loyalty when a fighter representing a gym that the company I worked at sponsored was robbed of a victory in a tournament match. Considering the fight had high stakes, it was only fair that her fight was reviewed. This had happened before. Famed kickboxer Giorgio Petrosyan had a split decision loss overturned to a no-contest before getting a rematch in the semifinals of a ONE kickboxing tournament back in 2019. However, this fighter would not get the desired result when she filed her appeal and the loss stuck. That was the day I lost faith in ONE Championship.

Fighter Favoritism

In the first year I became a ONE Championship fan, I noticed that the organization promoted only a handful of fighters. And yes, these fighters happened to be the world champions. In the beginning, these fighters appeared dominant and unstoppable. I wondered to myself, “Why aren’t these guys getting more recognition?” Then in 2020, these champions lost their titles and looked like mere mortals. Looking back to their fights prior to their title losses, they had been fighting journeymen or opponents past their primes. Eventually, these fighters were destined to lose.

But there are still some of these fighters who are still world champions. One of them happens to hold the title in which the tournament was being held for. Initially, the champion was supposed to face the fighter from gym being sponsored by my place of employment. But then she was sidelined by a–get this–pregnancy. So the title fight was off and a Grand Prix tournament was held in place to determine a number-one contender. Were this any other fighter, one of two things would have happened:

1. The champion would’ve been stripped of the title. The title would be contested for by the number-one and number-two contenders.

2. The number-one and number-two contenders in the division would fight for an interim title while the champion went through the pregnancy. The interim champion would then face the main champion for undisputed status.

   But this never happened. And we’ll never know the real reason why. But I would safely assume that ONE Championship is protecting the world champion for as long as possible. As for the pregnancy… let’s just say it came at a convenient time.

Another thing that sticks out to me is that the aforementioned world champion, as well as her younger brother, have spent their entire MMA careers fighting in ONE Championship. It makes me wonder how they would fare in other promotions and if what sort of treatment they would receive. At first, I didn’t mind that there was a degree of bias for certain fighters. But once got to a point where the bias affected the outcome of a high-stakes fight, I decided to turn my back on the promotion I had once been loyal to.

Lack of Respect and Integrity

Despite being relatively unknown in the mainstream MMA community, ONE Championship has really imprinted on its fanbase with its preaching of the martial values: honor, humility, respect, and integrity. For the entire time the organization has been in its existence, these values have been ONE’s selling point. But through the marketing and PR, I’ve come to see that they don’t practice what they preach. ONE does not respect its fighters. Professional fighters need to fight more than once a year–at least 2 to 3 times–in order to make a healthy income. In ONE Championship, the average fighter usually fights once a year. I’ve actually seen some fighters go 2-3 years without a fight. It’s insane!

And of course, ONE Championship lacks integrity. In the three years I’ve spent watching every ONE event, there has been the sketchy fight where I thought the decision should’ve gone the other way. Looking back, it was a blatant robbery on ONE’s part. One of the rules in the organization that annoys me the most are that, “there are no draws in ONE Championship”. In combat sports, especially in MMA or kickboxing, a draw is bound to happen. So every time I hear them announce a split decision or majority decision, the fight should have actually ended in a draw. And one fighter is about to get robbed of a potential victory.

Final Thoughts

I feel that three years has been a long time of being a loyal fan of ONE Championship but I believe that now is the best time to walk away from ONE. But that doesn’t mean I’ll stop watching their shows. Every now and then, you could catch a good MMA fight, Muay Thai fight or kickboxing match on ONE Championship. As a whole, however, I can no longer support the organization. There are better promotions to watch: UFC, Bellator, ACA, AMC Fight Nights, M-1 Global, BKFC, BKB, Glory, K-1, RISE… the list goes on! Perhaps I was looking at this the wrong way. Maybe I should just enjoy the fights and not dedicate myself to one promotion.

And so now I’ve decided to not exclusively follow one fixed promotion but instead watch fights from any organization that I can access. Given that I love all sorts of combat sports–MMA, kickboxing, Muay Thai, bare-knuckle boxing–there’s a plethora of promotions and events at the tip of my fingers, thanks to my subscriptions to UFC Fight Pass and FITE TV. Hell, there’s thousands of free fights on YouTube too. In the end, walking away from ONE Championship isn’t the end of the world. Rather, it’s the start of a new chapter for me.

Thoughts on Dave Leduc & His Comments

I’m open-minded to a lot of martial arts forms, whether it’s Muay Thai, karate, boxing, Brazilian jiu-jitsu, or wrestling. But when it comes to my Southeast Asian neighbors, I like to think that I’m respectful of their national martial arts. Cambodia has Kun Khmer (aka Pradal Serey), Laos has Muay Lao, and Myanmar has Lethwei.

Lethwei fighter Tun Tun Min in the red trunks

At times, I can be more fond of Lethwei than I am of Muay Thai, even though I’m from Thailand. Probably because of the fact that I consider Lethwei to be the latter’s bigger, badder brother from Myanmar. On the surface, the two are quite similar. However, there are four major differences that set Lethwei apart from Muay Thai:

1. Lethwei fighters wear gauze wraps instead of gloves.

2. Lethwei allows for the use of headbutts.

3. Lethwei fighters are allowed a 2-minute injury timeout.

4. If a no one is knocked out in a Lethwei fight after 5 rounds, the fight is a draw.

And this is why I’ve always respected the national martial art of Myanmar. To me, Lethwei seems to be a real man’s sport. Furthermore, the many Burmese fighters who fight in Lethwei truly embody the meaning of toughness. At times, they make Muay Thai fighters look like weaklings. But I digress.

Dave Leduc’s Facebook Post:

So apparently, Lethwei’s most famous fighter is a foreigner. Dave Leduc is from Quebec, Canada and has held multiple Lethwei championships in the openweight division. His official Lethwei record is 6 wins and 6 draws. Is he good? That record seems to speak for itself. But is he good enough to suddenly call out one of the best Muay Thai fighters of all time when the country that has glorified him is going through so much turmoil? Here are the comments he made on social media regarding Muay Thai:

You can only understand, true, all out stand up combat once you’ve fought without gloves, all 9 limbs allowed, and no judges – KO to win.

The art of Lethwei is the most effective stand up combat on the planet, far superior due to less restrictions on striking and takedowns.

Let’s make it clear: Lethwei is the ultimate test for strikers. I don’t care how many belts you have in other stand up disciplines, it won’t matter once you fight without your hand pillows and you face a warrior looking for any opportunity to smash his skull against the soft tissues of your face. It’s another world.

The Muaythai community is unaware of the ancestor of their sport. I understand Myanmar was hidden from the world for 60 years, but it’s time to set the record straight:

• The Burmese empire dominated ancient South East Asia with their hand to hand combat and unequalled resilience. They looted and destroyed the ancient Siam capital, Ayattuya and took many prisoners.

• Muayboran was copied from traditional Lethwei

• Thai people are training a softened version of Burmese Boxing.

• Lethwei is not about being pretty or good looking, it’s about inflicting damage.

Naï Khanom Tom was our little obedient prisoner in Burma, he was captured like a bitch. He never did the feats Thai people claim he did. They only invented these ludicrous folklore fables because they were pathetically losing to Burma in both warfare and border competitions.

The funniest thing is Thailand still celebrates a day every year for this guy the guy get imprisoned in Burma, gets released and invents a story to look cool claiming he beat 9 Burmese Lethwei champions, some of the hardest dudes on earth, in a row! it’s easy to invent stories when nobody can verify them To this day, when Muaythai champions cross-over to Myanmar, the best they can do is a Draw, but most of the time get KOed, overwhelmed by the unorthodox use of the human skull strikes and gloveless hands.

That’s why I have accepted the offer presented to my team for the end of the year: 𝗟𝗲𝘁𝗵𝘄𝗲𝗶 𝘃𝘀. 𝗠𝘂𝗮𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗶

F*** Naï Khanom Tom.

F*** Buakaw.

To the Muaythai community: I will smash your boy.

It’s my last fight.

Picking On Smaller Guys

Wow, sounds like a lot of pent-up rage coming from a guy who’s spent most of his career taking the shortcut and exploiting the less saturated talent pool of Lethwei. Not to take anything away from Burmese Lethwei fighters but every time Leduc fights a native of Myanmar, there is an obvious size discrepancy. For context, Leduc is 6 feet and 2 inches (188 cm) while weighing around 175 pounds (80 kg). The average man in Myanmar is 5 feet 4 inches (163 cm) while the average man in Thailand is 5 feet 7 inches (170 cm).

Anyway, the only two Burmese fighters Dave Leduc has faced, Too Too and Tun Tun Min, measure at 5 foot 10 (178 cm) and 5 foot 9 (175 cm) respectively. It’s still a size advantage for the Canadian either way. Yet he is still allowed to compete because Lethwei is usually contested in the openweight division, meaning anyone of any size can fight someone else of a different size. Looking up the other opponents he’s faced, only three are the same size as him and two have fought to a draw with him. There’s Muay Thai fighters Adem Yilmaz and Corentin Jallon and former UFC fighter Seth Baczynski (who were about 191 cm). While he did knock out Baczynski, you have to consider the fact that he was primarily a mixed martial artist who had more submissions than knockouts. Basically, Leduc beat a taller grappler in a striking-only match.

Buakaw Banchamek

But he sure has the audacity to call out Buakaw. I’ll admit, Buakaw was my favorite fighter when I started watching kickboxing. I started watching K-1 when I was about 16 and one of the first fights that popped up involved Buakaw. So yeah, he really played a role in my love for combat sports. Back to the point, Buakaw is 5 foot 8 (173 cm) and fights at 154 pounds (70 kg). Leduc is 15 centimeters taller and 10 kilograms heavier but is still challenging a physically smaller fighter. Furthermore, Buakaw is past his prime at 39 while Leduc is still young at 29. How about you pick on someone your own size, Dave?

Stirring Up Shit Between ASEAN Neighbors

I get it. Thailand used to be under Burmese rule centuries ago. The two countries used to go to war constantly. But again, that was centuries ago. And Dave Leduc is out here acting like Conor fucking McGregor trying to stir shit up by digging up ancient history to start some cross-border conflict. All for what? A fight? A massive payday? Hey Dave, if you haven’t been paying attention, Myanmar (the country that for some reason seems to worship you like a fucking superhero) has bigger problems on its hands right now. Or maybe you’ve just been housed in the comforts of your Dubai home for too long. Instead of running your mouth on Muay Thai and all of Thailand, how about you use your trash-talking skills on Myanmar? Maybe that way, you could make a difference.

But of course, I’m pretty sure he’s only interested in making a fight with Buakaw happen. The whole ‘I fight for Myanmar’ thing? It’s all an act to get the spotlight on him. Leduc is trying to milk Myanmar for as much money as he can. Yet the country he claims to fight for is still struggling, as evidenced by the thousands of protestors marching the city streets demanding freedom. But where is Dave Leduc? Oh right, in his luxurious Dubai home.

Another issue I have with Leduc’s post is how he brings up the folk tale of Nai Khanomtom. For those of you unfamiliar with Muay Thai, Nai Khanomtom is regarded as a heroic figure in Muay Thai. According to legends, he was held captive by the Burmese during the 18th century but was set free when he defeated ten Burmese fighters in one night using Muay Thai. Since then, there’s been a date dedicated to Nai Khanomtom in Thailand. Fact or fiction, it’s a nice story to hear. But the way Leduc just smears him with his foul language is disgusting. But then again, what can you expect from a guy like that?

Ah, then there’s the debate about which sport came first. Time and time again, people like to say that Thai people stole Muay Thai from somewhere. In Leduc’s version of events, the Thais copied from Lethwei and created Muay Thai. I’m not a historian and I’ll never know what exactly happened regarding the creation of Muay Thai. But fact: Dave Leduc competed in Muay Thai prior to turning to Lethwei. He trained at the fabled Tiger Muay Thai in Phuket. Was he a great Muay Thai fighter? He had 14 wins and 1 loss. What about his opponents? Never heard of any of them. He previously stated that he used Muay Thai as a means of purposely getting into Lethwei, that his goal was to become a bareknuckle fighter of sorts. This is where I call bullshit.

What do I think? Leduc saw he was probably destined to be an average or just-above-average guy in Muay Thai and wanted to take the quick lane to fame. He saw the opportunity in Lethwei, where the talent pool consisted of much smaller fighters and openweight fights. Add to the fact that he’d be fighting under a brutal ruleset, it was a win-win situation for him. So there he was in Myanmar, beating up smaller dudes and winning titles left and right. Just like that, the country came to worship this guy as their national sporting hero. Ironic, right?

There’s one more thing about Leduc’s post that I take issue with. “Thai people are training a softened version of Burmese Boxing.” Reading this makes my blood boil. It makes me wish that Leduc gets hit by a bus or his wife falls out of the window of their second floor. Yes, judge me if you want. Hey Dave, let me tell you something, motherfucker. Most of these Thai people don’t have a choice so they use Muay Thai as a career path. They start from a young age, earning money from fights with the hopes that they can eventually provide for their family. At the same time, they have to make sure they don’t take too much damage so that they can enjoy life after hanging up the gloves. The same goes for Myanmar citizens who aren’t socioeconomically comfortable when they turn to professional Lethwei. And I can’t imagine what the accumulated damage does to them by the time they’ve retired. But you don’t know that because you’ve probably been comfortable most of your life. You only fight for fame and glory, the latter of which you don’t deserve.

Leduc Will Only Ever Be Good At Lethwei

With his achievements in Lethwei, many have wanted to see him compete in MMA. He’d received an offer to become an MMA fighter in ONE Championship but turned it down. This is his reason: “I need to stay focused on my thing. I like fighting with no gloves and with headbutts: that’s my passion.” I mean with a 14–1 Muay Thai record and 6–0–6 Lethwei record, he’s got to have some success in the cage, right? Wrong! Dave Leduc sucks at mixed martial arts. He has no wins and 2 losses as an MMA fighter.

While he lost his first fight to a larger guy (Jonathan Meunier), the funny thing is he lost to a significantly smaller guy. In his second fight, Leduc faced future ONE Championship fighter and former ONE featherweight title challenger Koyomi Matsushima. For the record, Matsushima stands at 173 centimeters. But he beats Leduc by TKO in just 19 seconds. I’ve seen footage of the Meunier fight and let me tell you, it was satisfying to see Leduc get his bald head bashed in. I do wish I could find the Matsushima fight, though.

The MMA fight between Dave Leduc and Jonathan Meunier

So when Leduc said he wanted to stay focused on his passion, it was his way of saying he didn’t want to get humiliated in mixed martial arts. Yeah, I think it’s best he stayed away from the cage. Though the thought of someone punching or elbowing his face from full mount again doesn’t sound so bad. If he were to try MMA again…

The Aftermath

Needless to say, Leduc’s social media post sparked a lot of backlash from the Muay Thai community, who called out his blatant disrepect. Even the people of Myanmar began to turn on him for his behavior. I understand that trash-talking is a prominent feature of combat sports in the West. But here in Southeast Asia, it’s disrespectful and disgraceful. Had he wanted to actually fight Buakaw under some form of Lethwei rules, he could’ve sat and negotiated. But he went all UFC and shat on an entire nation. A nation that, I might add, offered him its hospitality when he asked for it during his stay at Tiger Muay Thai. That’s what I call biting the hand that feeds. Myanmar, you should watch out for that guy.

Of course, authority figures in Muay Thai demanded that Lethwei’s higher-ups take action. And take action they did. The Myanmar Traditional Lethwei Federation prohibited Leduc from entering the country, as well as from competing in Lethwei. But according to the Federation’s press release, the ban would only be effective for two years. Personally, I think Leduc could care less about not being able to enter Myanmar. After all, I’m pretty sure he’s more comfortable in his luxurious Dubai home. And two years… As we all know, these are times of COVID-19. By the time the pandemic subsides, his ban may as well be over. Perhaps they were a little too soft with his punishment. With his disgraceful behavior, he should at least get a ten-year ban.

After the official statement, Leduc bit back in another Facebook post:

Concerning the comical post from a Lethwei group trying to attack me, they have done this before. It’s just a bunch of old dudes from a community club that don’t like me for being too real and outspoken, making “official letters”

Am I supposed to care? I fight for the 55 million Myanmar people, not 10 old dudes that don’t do nothing to help Lethwei grow. I have attracted more eyes to Lethwei and more economic growth in Myanmar in 5 years, than their entire group in the last 25 years. The funniest part is that they think they have any power

They’re not even the world federation, the most powerful one is WLF World Lethwei Federation.

Remember when you are too powerful or you’re changing things, you will always annoy some people. You can never please everyone, if you achieve anything in your life you will always make some enemies. The sooner you realize that the happier you will be. Fuck normal.

So he’s taking credit Myanmar’s economic growth and increased interest in Lethwei, the latter of which he’s actually responsible for. However, the fact Dave Leduc keeps saying he fights for Myanmar is sickening. Where the hell is he when the citizens need him most? All that money and fame is getting to his head and now he thinks he’s invincible. While he doesn’t exactly trash Myanmar the same way he trashed Thailand, he does tear apart the Myanmar Traditional Lethwei Federation, who are responsible for making his fights in Myanmar possible. In essence, they were partially responsible for making him a sporting hero in Myanmar. Already, Leduc is back doing what he does best: biting the hand that feeds.

He says in his post that he’s too powerful. But I can’t help but wonder who were the people that helped him become powerful. I wonder if he threw them under the bus once shit hit the fan with his disgusting social media behavior. From here, I can only watch if the World Lethwei Federation will back him up. Nevertheless, he’s already turned on the Myanmar Traditional Lethwei Federation. I wouldn’t be surprised if he did the same to the World Federation if they choose not to support him.

Final Thoughts

While I’m glad that the Myanmar’s sanctioning body for Lethwei took action after Dave Leduc’s disgraceful comments on social media, it is only a short-term solution. A two-year ban is far too short and I’m sure other countries outside of Asia are more than willing to put on a Lethwei fight for him. That’s the thing, sometimes shitty people prevail. But maybe there will come a time that he falls. Maybe he finally meets his match in Lethwei, a fighter who’s his own size. And, in a stroke of karma, knocks him out cold. One can only hope.

But perhaps Leduc will get his comeuppance after he hangs up those wraps. Who can say what life will be like after throwing so many headbutts and taking so many bareknuckle punches? Brain damage is no joke but yet, the thought of him suffering from an ailment delights me. I know, I’m a terrible human being. But a shitty individual like him deserves it, don’t you think?

Anyway, I understand that trash-talking is a common part of the fight game in the US and Europe. But here in Asia, it’s just not cool. It’s an unwritten rule that he broke. Furthermore, one appearance on the Joe Rogan Experience made Dave Leduc believe he was a super sports celebrity. All this fame is got to his head and he decided that he was in a position to call out any fighter he wanted, even someone as well-respected as Buakaw. And the fashion in which he called out Buakaw was extremely disrespectful, saying he would smash him and sharing a post of Buakaw’s private conflicts.

If he insists on sticking to these tactics, I suggest he try out for the UFC. After all, it’s what sells fights. But oh I forgot, he was focused on his own passion: fighting without gloves and with headbutts. In other words, he’s too afraid to try mixed martial arts for fear of getting his ass kicked. While I understand that talking trash helps sells tickets, it’s better to take the road less taken. It’s better to be humble and honorable. After all, this is what martial arts is about. And it’s not only martial arts, but life in general as well.

Why I Left Thai Fight

If you’ve read “An Open Letter to Myself, Pt. III”, you’ll know that I worked at Thai Fight. It’s an organization that hosts Muay Thai events. At the time, it sounded like the perfect fit. After all, there was nothing I was more passionate about than martial arts and combat sports. To me, it was like a magnificent start to a dream career. But if that were the case, I wouldn’t be writing this now, would I? What happened at Thai Fight that made me leave after just six months of working there?

First, we start at the beginning. After meeting with sponsors of the company, I finally get a meeting arranged with company’s owner, Mod. Now, you’d think that meeting with the owner of a company, you would meet at his office. However, Mod wanted to meet at a steak restaurant, of all places. It was strange. But I thought at the time maybe he was doing some business in the area and just decided to meet the potential hire that was myself, who was working nearby.

I remember to this day that I was wearing a ONE Championship t-shirt the day I met Mod. He sees this and once I get seated, he proceeds to verbally trash ONE about their low TV ratings and how they “slaughter Thai fighters”. Then we get to talking about why I wanted to join Thai Fight. I display my somewhat extensive knowledge of combat sports and he’s impressed to a certain degree. He then talks about some projects he’s working on: a Thai Fight energy drink and a Thai Fight hotel. “Sounds promising,” I said. At the time, it was good to see that he was looking to expand his business. Aesthetically, Thai Fight really was the biggest Muay Thai organization in Thailand, with its huge entrance ramp, pyrotechnics, and fireworks. Keep in mind, I said aesthetically.

Before I leave, Mod shows me a photo on his cellphone. It’s an aerial view of a Thai Fight event with ten thousand people. He then says to me, “Look at this. This is a Thai Fight event, ten thousand people come and watch this. Do you think ONE Championship brings in these kinds of numbers?” I’m a little annoyed by the jab at ONE but walk away nonetheless. I just thought that big business owners had that kind of attitude. But then one of the sponsors tell me to stop wearing the ONE shirts once I start working there. Uh-oh? Nah, I figured I could get used to getting more Thai Fight shirts.

Getting Started: Part I

Acknowledging my enthusiasm for the job, Mod invites me to meet up again. We get to talking about past Thai Fight events, his upcoming projects, and our appreciation of other martial arts. And then he implores me to come over to the office to see a photoshoot for the company’s new lineup of fighters for 2020. I figured it’d be cool since I’d get to meet some real Muay Thai fighters.

The first signs of struggle began when I realized the location of the office. It required me taking the subway, getting off after 8 stops, and then taking a motorcycle taxi to a housing estate. The commute was, to say the least, troublesome. But the bigger surprise was the “office” for Thai Fight. It was a four-story house painted black and accessorized with the Thai Fight logo. When I entered, I was greeted by a busy environment of office workers setting up a backdrop while fighters changed into their attire.

Mod was there as well. And when he came downstairs, all the fighters were required to go and greet him. “Hey, the boss is here! Make sure you go say hello to him!” an employee barked at a fighter. Look, I understand the whole concept of respecting your elders in my culture but here it was like they were worshiping him. I understand that he was the guy who was giving the fighters a big opportunity but they were treating him as some sort of revered deity. To me, it was weird and over-the-top.

My soon-to-be boss comes up to me and asks, “See any of your favorites?” I shake my head and reply honestly, “My favorites are the older generation of fighters. These guys are the next generation.” In fact, my favorite Muay Thai fighter had been under contract with Thai Fight. He was so successful until he had a falling out with both his gym and Thai Fight. Things ended in ugly fashion and no one in Thai Fight was to ever mention his name. If his name was ever spoken, though, Mod would always start talking shit about this fighter.

Getting Started: Part II

I go into the office for a second interview, this time with my future boss. His name is O, a somewhat obese man who previously worked in investment banking at the Central World department store. He’s also the highest-paid employee at Thai Fight, earning a six-figure salary each month. The interview goes as normal up until the part about working hours. Having worked a 9-5 from Monday to Friday, I said I could work Monday through Friday when he asked when I could work. This is when he looked up and said, “We work Saturdays here.” Before I could say more, we continue on and I assumed he was okay with me working only five days a week. He also had no objections to my asking salary, which I thought would be what I would be getting paid when I started.

Eventually, I began working at Thai Fight on February 3, 2020. I am first given a “proper introduction” to the rest of the office by the HR guy, Dul. Afterwards, I go into his office where the conversation gets very weird. He starts by saying he was given the “honorable task” of holding down the top rope when the fighters enter the ring (in Muay Thai, the fighters always go over the top rope), that he used to serve in the army, and that Mod is his brother-in-law due to the fact that his sister is married to Mod. Umm, cool for you?

We then go over some paperwork. Then things start to go downhill. He starts talking about how he expects everyone to come into work Monday through Saturday. I quickly say that I’d agreed with my boss that I would come in Monday to Friday. Judging from the look on his face, he did not take this too well. But he asks, “What’s wrong with you? Are you unwell?” Now I didn’t mention any health conditions to my boss O but I decide to answer Dul with, “In fact, I am.” And I decide to push it further, “I have to go for medical checkups on the weekends.” A look that says, “Oh, I see.” flashes across his face and he drops the matter. Then he talks about my salary. Looking at the piece of paper, the amount is about 21% less than what I was promised. When I protest, his excuse is that this is my probationary rate. When I pass the probationary period, they will pay me the amount I asked for. Okay, fair enough.

I am assigned to the “Online Team”, where we were to manage and monitor the company’s social media platforms. We were five twenty-somethings who were given the mission of giving the company a boost (I’m talking views, likes, subscribers, followers etc.). Mod assumed that since we were younger, we would think of some groundbreaking, innovative online content that would introduce the company to newer audiences. I guess his logic was that all millennials were social media experts. But all the content ideas we pitched to Mod were brushed off or swiftly rejected. Instead, he dictated the content we uploaded on every social media platform we managed. What content? Photos and video highlights. It was the same old stuff Thai Fight had always done. This was the opposite of groundbreaking content. O made an excuse that you had to have something really groundbreaking and mind-blowing in order for Mod to approve it. “Sure,” I thought as I rolled my eyes.

Pushed Too Far

Three days into my job, I was in a meeting regarding new online content. It wasn’t anything serious. In fact, it was a laidback affair where we shared a couple of laughs and opened up some snacks. We were relaxed and may have even been a bit too noisy. None of us wanted there to be any stress, hence the chill environment of the meeting. The meeting ended up lasting until 6 PM and we’d left quite a mess. Still, we figured we’d clean up our room in the morning.

But when all five of us arrived at the office the next day, each of us were individually called up to Dul’s office. I remember when it was my turn to go in, the colleague before me warned me, “Whatever he says, just stay calm.” I was already thinking this could not be good. When I went upstairs, I’d brought my new water bottle to fill up and had taken it into Dul’s office.

He looks at the water bottle in my hand and then looks at me. “New water bottle?” he asks. Unsure of where this is going, I answer, “Yes, I…” But before I could go on, he cuts me off, “Do you know you’re disrespecting me by bringing your bottle into my office?” At this point, I’m unsure of what to say so I say nothing and sit down. Sure enough, he proceeds to tear into me about the mess we made yesterday and how noisy we were. Yes, we were fully guilty for that. But that’s not the end of it. Dul proceeds go on a rant about how today’s generation are so rude. One anecdote that stands out to me was when he said, “You know, today’s kids like to say that Chinese tourists are so rude. Well, you know what? Today’s kids are even worse!” In my mind, I was wondering how all of this was related. But then he pushes way too far, “Don’t let your actions affect your father’s image.” I feel my face burning at that very moment. My fists immediately clench and I bite my lip. It took all of my willpower not to reach across and strike him in the face. My face hot, I can only nod in response.

He finally lets me go back to work as I’m still clenching my fists. Dul acts like everything’s normal and that he’s said nothing wrong but to me, he’s just made himself my enemy.

COVID-19 Breaks Me & More Work For Us

The timing in which I joined Thai Fight was poor, to say the least. I was less than four weeks out from the first event of the year, scheduled for February 29. But then of course, the world’s most devastating pandemics happened, bringing the world to a standstill. And Thai Fight was no exception. About a week before the event, the company announced that the event would be indefinitely postponed. With the lack of events, the workload only increased for the Online Team.

By that time, a lot of companies had temporarily shut down and had their employees work from home. But not Thai Fight. For the company, it was as if there was no COVID-19. We were still coming into the office six days a week and working 9 AM to 6 PM. Perhaps the only noticeable difference was that Mod was cowering away on the fourth floor. Funny right? His employees were risking their livelihood by just coming to work while he was locking himself in his own room with all the necessary supplies, afraid to catch the coronavirus. This was when I started to question Mod’s leadership.

Regarding the workload, the Online Team was now tasked with thinking of new online content in order to fill the company’s social media platforms. At one point in time, Mod had presented the idea of making members of the Online Team hosts of online shows, promising that we could become famous through our appearances. Eventually, I became the host of a show titled “Muay Thai’s Hidden Secrets”, which lasted all of 7 episodes. I thought I would be allowed some creative freedom with the show. But boy, I was so wrong. O often filtered what went in and out of the show and ultimately, there wasn’t much I could do with the restriction on content.

By now, the Online Team was growing frustrated with our inability to work from home. We were continually required to come into the office six days a week. Our team leader appealed that our work could be done remotely but her words fell upon O’s deaf ears. I guess the word “online” doesn’t mean anything in Thai Fight. It just means we’re supposed to post shit to social media whenever Mod tells us. So we continued brainstorming and O eventually conceived the idea of “The Thai Fight Center”, a show where I provided commentary to the company’s old fights. Now I like to think I gave my best effort on this show but O said it was shit. Well, guess what? Fuck you, O!

At one point, Mod even came up with the absurd idea of a variety show, which he bestowed the terrible name of “Good Morning Thai Fight”. It started out as a news-style show but eventually evolved into a three-segment variety show which included facts & history, sports, and entertainment. I was designated to cover the sports segment. With three shows to handle between two video editors, this was a lot of work! I’d like to stress that in the Online Team, the brunt of the work falls on the video editors. How else do you edit the video clips and adjust the sound bits? Shoutout to those guys. Again, Mod and O were there to dictate our content. For example, if my topics got too repetitive, O would hand me another topic (e.g. fighting fish) which I had no interest in. And my lack of enthusiasm showed whenever I covered this other topic. But when I did a topic I was fully interested in (e.g. wrestling), the energy was evident on YouTube. Still, Mod would complain about minor shit like movies in the Entertainment segment being too old. He even called me one morning to complain and tell my colleague choose newer movies. I could only think to myself, “Not my fucking problem.”

None of the Thai Fight fans ever cared for new content. They like Thai Fight for the events, the fights, and the fighters. All three of the shows I mentioned have been discontinued since I left the company.

Bullshit Business

At the time I was working with Thai Fight, there were 9 fighters who were under contract with the company. O explained that these fighters were guaranteed at least 8 fights a year so they were ensured some financial stability. But still it got me thinking, “What about their opponents?” You see, Thai Fight presents itself as an organization that unites Thai people by having Thai fighters face foreign opponents. Where do those guys come from? In the early days, perhaps some foreign opponents actually fought out of the countries they represented. But in recent years, more of the foreign opponents are usually based in Thailand. I say this because more of them have appeared on Thai Fight multiple times. And when I started working with the company, they usually choose foreign opponents based on their availability and them being in the country. Going back to the foreigners who’ve fought at the events multiple times, these guys have lost more than they’ve won. This aroused my suspicions that Thai Fight and the gyms these foreigners train at have been paying them to unknowingly lose.

My suspicions were essentially confirmed when I paid a visit to a run-down Muay Thai gym as part of a documentary series the company was shooting. All the fighters training there were foreigners. There were guys from Brazil, Iran, and Algeria. Some of them I’d seen competing on Thai Fight several times and not once did I ever see them win. I could only assume that the gym was in cahoots with Thai Fight. They would probably say to the company, “I got this foreigner who would make a scary-looking opponent for your fighter to beat.” These guys were basically training so hard only to get served on a platter to Thai Fight’s contracted fighters and get beat up. And Mod said ONE Championship “slaughtered Thai fighters”. So what does Thai Fight do to foreign fighters? When I met them, part of me wanted them to just leave the gym and find somewhere else to train and fight.

Mod has always claimed Thai Fight has the best Muay Thai fighters in the world. However, I’ve come to question the caliber of their competition in the last few years. I will admit there have been the few times that Thai Fight’s guys have fought legit champions and picked up wins. But more often than not, they’re matched up against guys who are virtually nobodies. When I started working at the company, I noticed that Mod expressed prejudice for the Channel 8 weekly Muay Thai programs, Muay Thai Super Champ and Muay Hardcore, as if they were a level below Thai Fight. However, I also noticed that in more recent Thai Fight events, the foreign opponents his fighters face are the same foreigners who compete on those weekly programs. Ironic, huh? And it also makes you question how good Thai Fight’s fighters really are.

Then there’s also a story my colleague told me about how Mod was searching for an opponent for a young, promising fighter. He was sifting through footage with another employee. All of a sudden, he says, “No, not this guy. He’s too tough.” Now I wasn’t there to hear it and this is a secondhand account. But it makes you wonder how confident he really is in his fighters.

To any foreign Muay Thai fighter who may be reading this, if you’re thinking about competing in Thai Fight I have two pieces of advice for you:

1. Just don’t. There are better events to compete for.

2. Knock your opponent out. Not just down, out.

A Way Out

As we entered July, I had resigned myself to my fate and was planning on sticking with Thai Fight for a year. After that, I was probably going to hunt for a new job. Either way, I figured the workload would start to decrease for the Online Team now that live events were going to resume. But then my dad tells me something I’m not expecting when I get home, “My friend offered you a job at his company.” I was surprised and was at a loss for words. At first, I told my dad I couldn’t just leave. Then he drops another bomb. His friend had heard of Mod. A lot of big business owners had. And a lot of them didn’t want to work with him because a lot his projects never launched. That was all I needed to come down to a decision.

So the next day at lunch, I sit down with O and tell him I’m resigning. Surprisingly, he’s understanding and says, “When you can’t handle it anymore, it’s just time to leave.” Then he tells me how to proceed: inform Dul of my resignation, fill out the resignation form, and say goodbye to Mod before my last day. When I tell Dul I’m resigning, citing health issues, I was not expecting a long talk about health advice. Oh, and I also found out he was a former member of the national soccer team. More useless information!

In the next few days, I let my friends know that soon I will no longer be working at Thai Fight. Most of them congratulate me and one even tells me I’m blessed to be able to find work amid the pandemic. Another tells me to love my dad a lot because of what he’s done for me (Love ya, dad!). A colleague of mine was kind enough to help design a slick-looking resume for me to hand in at my new company. God bless her! So yeah, I was glad to be on my way out of Thai Fight.

Now I don’t know if Mod knew I was resigning while I was still at the company. But in the last two weeks I was there, he decides to go full-swing on ONE Championship. The entire time I worked at Thai Fight, whenever I was in the same room with Mod, he would never miss an opportunity to take shots at ONE. So I’m working one afternoon when he walks into my office and sits down. “Did you watch the event last night?” he asks, referring to ONE Championship: No Surrender which aired on July 31. I said yes. “He’s getting worse,” he continues, referring to a former fighter who competed for Thai Fight. This guy then went on to make more money in ONE Championship and I’m guessing Mod was still bitter about that. I try to keep it cool and say, “But he did do well considering he fought someone ten centimeters taller.” He just shakes his head, “No, he sucks!” This is when I start to lose my cool, “What about the main event! The champion fought well!” Like a stubborn asshole, he still shakes his head, “He sucks too! He can only fight guys his size! He can’t fight bigger guys!” Then I explode, losing any restraint I had, “So what?! All the good fighters are with Thai Fight?! Thai Fight is the best?!” I feel my colleague sitting next to me squeezing my leg in order to calm me down. It was then I realized that engaging in a shouting match with the company owner would do no good so I plugged in my earphones and turned on some music. He continued talking but I had no care about what he had to say.

I originally planned on sticking around until the first event of 2020, which was set to take place in September. However, O helped speed up my resignation to August. I don’t know if he did this because he wanted me out of there as soon possible or if he just wanted to end my suffering. Either way, I’m glad he did what he did. I entered and left the Thai Fight office for the last time on August 28, 2020. Afterwards, I celebrated my dad’s birthday and the end of my time at that toxic workplace.

Person Profile: Mod

Mod is a guy who talks a big talk but can’t walk the big walk. In fact, he’s really all talk. You take away the huge ramp, the pyrotechnics, the fireworks… Thai Fight is no different from all the other weekly Muay Thai TV shows. “World-class”, that’s what he liked to say about his company. But according to who? Himself? His employees? Sorry man, it just doesn’t work that way. And his projects. I haven’t seen them launch since I left. The Thai Fight energy drink? Nowhere to be found. The Thai Fight-themed hotel? Radio silence. Oh, and there were plans of a Thai Fight nightclub when I started working there. Yeah, I haven’t seen that either. So I will happily label this guy as a big-mouthed egomaniac.

Person Profile: Dul

Dul is HR in name only. Why do I say this? I’m no expert in HR but from what I’ve been told, he can’t even perform the basic tasks of an HR officer. It’s safe to say he got the job because of his family connections. I’ve heard the words ‘forgive and forget’ all too often but after what he said to me, I don’t think I’ll do either for him. Whenever people wanted to take a leave, he would guilt them from doing so. When they did take a leave, he would pry them for more information. “Where are you going? Why are you going?” he would ask. If I were those people, I’d just say, “None of your damn business.” Next to that, he could never justify having to work a sixth day. It was just, “Because it’s my say-so. And Mod’s say-so. So you come in to work on Saturday.” Working six days a work really does take its toll on you. Dul would also call people out for leaving the office slightly early while he would blatantly leave an hour early himself. Some days, he’d just fuck off to who knows where. Essentially, he’d get his own days off. Truth be told, Dul was probably the worst person in Thai Fight.

A Souvenir

Remember the part where I mentioned Thai Fight shirts? Yeah, they don’t come for free. Not even for staff members. We staff members had to buy our fucking uniforms, which were ugly polo shirts! The price tag? 400 baht for staff and 799 for regular customers. Wow, what a fucking discount! I did end up getting one free shirt when I first started working there and bought another. Ultimately, after leaving the company, I gave both away. But when I left, an older colleague smuggled me two pairs of Thai Fight shorts as a souvenir. Pretty good parting gift for a company that doesn’t let their fighters keep their fight shorts. Honestly, they do make for good workout gear. Thanks older colleague!

Conclusion

So Thai Fight wasn’t the dream workplace I had envisioned in my mind. The four-story home office wasn’t the problem. It was the man running it. While he spoke of big things, I honestly have to chalk it down to delusions of grandeur. I love fight sports and I will boldly say that Thai Fight is not world-class. That said, he had no business talking shit about bigger companies like ONE Championship. Already agitated by his empty promises, this was probably what made me resent him even more. He also restricted the Online Team’s creativity, dictating what we could and couldn’t do through the company’s social media platforms. There was so much potential there but I guess he shot himself in the foot with that one. He wants 1 million Facebook likes for Thai Fight? Yeah, I don’t see that happening in the next few years. I don’t even see the YouTube channel getting a million subscribers. They’re still stuck doing the same old shit that they’ve been doing for the last ten years. That said, the members of the Online Team are the real heroes for putting up with his bullshit. Shoutout to the Online Team!

Then you have the ordeal of working six days a week. That’s one thing. But when you’re doing it with a bunch of toxic people, especially someone like Dul, it really does corrode your morale. I’ve always wondered what would happened if I worked six days there without him. But hey, I’m not there anymore and that’s good enough for me! His constant questioning about where I’d go on my leave days also helped in only making me hate him more. Like I said, I hated him since the office ordeal but since then he’d only made it worse. I could even go on to say that he played a vital role in me leaving Thai Fight. This one person could poison an entire ocean, for all I know.

And that is the story of why I left Thai Fight.

An Open Letter to Myself, Pt. III

I didn’t expect for there to be a third part to all this. But then again, nothing is certain. So here I am once more. And chances are that we are far from the end. Like the previous two parts, I’m going to ask myself the same question. Is it difficult to maintain a positive outlook on life? Yes, it’s an uphill battle to try and see the good in life. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. For every cloud, there’s always a silver lining. And I still find that it’s the small things that make life worth appreciating.  

            So where do I begin? I’m currently working my third job since graduating college, my second job of the year 2020. I did end up leaving Siam Piwat to work for Thai Fight. My stint with the Muay Thai company lasted all of six months. Yes, six months. Not even a year. I began working at Thai Fight on February 3, 2020 before walking out of the office for the last time on August 28, 2020. Not once did I go to a Muay Thai event they hosted due to the severity of the coronavirus pandemic. Perhaps it was best I never got to go.

            Going into Thai Fight, I noticed so many red flags with this so-called “organization”. Expecting the office to be a building of some kind, I was greeted with a four-story house. Thai Fight was a home office where the bottom three floors were working space. “Okay, I guess it’s about the quality of the staff,” I thought to myself. Then came the second red flag, the HR guy. Handing in my documents, dude has me sit down for a conversation about how he was tasked with the honorable job of holding down the top rope for the fighters at events, how he served in the army, and how he was the company owner’s brother-in-law. Um, okay?

            Three days into the job, my team and I had a meeting that finished late. So we didn’t get to cleaning up the room. Next day, HR guy calls us individually to talk. When it comes my turn, a colleague warns me, “Whatever he says, stay calm.” I think to myself, “This isn’t good.” As I go to his office, I carry my water bottle that I had just filled up with me. He looks at me and at it as I enter his office. When I sit, he asks, “New water bottle?” Before I answer, he continues, “You know you’re not respecting me by bringing your bottle into my office.” What the actual fuck? But he’s not done. He goes on about how our office was a mess and how we’d been noisy during our meeting (guess people aren’t allowed to have a good laugh). But what really pissed me off was when he said these words to me: “Don’t let your actions affect your father’s image.” Fuck you, man! Right then and there, I decided that this HR guy was my enemy. Whatever he did, friendly or hostile, I would hate him.

            I talked with my colleagues about this and it’s no surprise to them. Apparently, HR guy had always been this big of a douche. I guess he thinks just because the owner is married to his sister, it gives him absolute power. But the shenanigans with him don’t end there. Whenever people want to take a leave day, he’ll pry for answers. If someone wants to take a personal day, he’ll ask where they are going and what they are going to do. Now I’m no HR expert, but I’m pretty sure that’s none of his damn business. I could keep going on about this dude but it would take forever. In short, he’s an unqualified piece of shit who only got his job because of family connections.

            Next, the company owner. We’re talking about a guy who talks a big talk but doesn’t do a lot of walking, if you know what I mean. I remember the first time I met him, I was wearing a t-shirt from ONE Championship. If you’ve read my past parts, you’ll know I’m a huge ONE Championship fan. Almost immediately, he proceeds to talk shit about the organization. Something about how their TV ratings in Thailand were so low and that were going to go under sooner or later. And this was just the beginning. Once I started working for him, he’d always find a reason to start a conversation about ONE Championship and it was always negative. For his part, he talked about doing a lot of big projects under the Thai Fight brand that never came to fruition e.g. a hotel, an energy drink, a restaurant and a night club. So I really think he needs to take a seat. From now on, I’ll never believe a single word he says. I’m done with him and all his talk.

            But like I said, there were the little things that made it better. For starters, my colleagues at Thai Fight were about the same age as I was. You had P’Chief who graduated from college in Australia and had been working at the company for a year. There was Eiaw, who was a Kasetsart University alumnus and was also at Thai Fight for a year. Honestly, I still think she was the most beautiful of all my colleagues. You have Jaguar (aka Ja), the youngest of us all, and the kid who always gave me a lift to the subway station. Bless that kid, she was always my closest confidant in that office. And last but not least, there was Namdaeng, an alumnus of Chulalongkorn University like me but from the Faculty of Arts. These were pleasant people to be around and made great gossip company.   

            Six months in Thai Fight had never felt so long. For comparison, I worked at Siam Piwat for 14 months and felt that they flew by faster. I was part of the new-established “online team” composed of five people. But the owner wanted to us to do the work of twenty people. Every week or two, he would ask why the UFC or ONE Championship were able to put up quality online content whereas we couldn’t. The answer is simple: They have a stacked team of staff who have a clear idea of what they’re doing and had all the expensive tools at their disposal. As for us, we were working in the dark with limited tools and getting contradictory instructions.

            A lifeline was thrown to me when my father approached me in late July 2020 about how his friend, the owner of the Carabao Energy Drink, had offered a job after hearing of my woes at Thai Fight. I was hesitant at first and thought about maybe staying until the first event, scheduled for September 19. But eventually, I chose to hand in my resignation effective on August 28. After a less-than-stellar job interview with the head of the marketing department, I was finally able to start working with Carabao on September 16, 2020. The people here seem nice and can lean towards funny when there’s no pressure. I know it won’t be smooth sailing but I hope things will get better from now on.   

            Now, to the biggest update I have this year: love life. You really never know what to expect in life. One year ago, I thought I would never see Palita again. I made a point that I never wanted to see that group of friends again. But guess what happened? I did see that group of friends again. And I got to see Palita again after 18 months. I didn’t expect it to happen but it did. And I sure didn’t expect for the following events to play out.

            So out of the blue, on July 13, Mint calls me while I’m at work. She asks if I’m interested in coming to a reunion dinner and drinks that evening. Everyone would be there, minus Fai. By now, you know what I’m going to say. At first, I make an excuse about having to work six days a week at Thai Fight and that I was drained. Vivie actually chimes in on the call begging for me to come. I still insist that I was too tired and wouldn’t be able to make it. So they back off and it appears I won’t be going. But then I start doubting my decision. I call Mint back and ask her, “Look, I know it’s weird that I’m asking but… is Palita still single?” She tells me that Palita had always been single ever since talking to that guy from our third year in college. I continue our conversation, going on about how I still have unresolved feelings about Palita. Mint says if it were her, she wouldn’t want to leave things unresolved and would rather have some closure. At that moment, I decided I was going to go to that dinner.        

            So I’m sitting in the car with Jaguar, waiting to arrive at the subway. Traffic is unusually bad today and I’m just eager to get to the dinner. As we approach the entrance where I’m supposed to get off, I say to my colleague, “I think I’m about to do something stupid tonight.” With that, I boarded the subway train and was well on my way towards seeing someone I hadn’t seen in well over a year. When I got to the restaurant, none of my friends were to be seen. Turns out they were on the second floor. So I climbed a flight of stairs and I saw her. There she was, in all her beauty. Those 18 months had barely changed her. Everyone was busy conversing and it took me clearing my throat to get their attention.

            We get to catching up as I make myself comfortable next to Palita. For the first time in 18 months, I talk to her just like we were back in college. So many thoughts are rushing through my head in that moment. Do I keep my cool? Do I resolve the thing that’s been bothering me this whole time? I don’t have time to make a decision as the group decides to leave the restaurant and go to a bar for drinks. Guess getting things off my chest will have to wait.

            When we finally get settled at the bar, I sit silently with an occasional sip from my glass of water. The entire time, my eyes are fixated on Palita, who is sitting across from me. Sounds creepy, I know, but I was actually thinking about what to say or what to do next. Hell, I’d finally made some progress by agreeing to come to dinner with my college friends after a long absence. At this point, I was thinking it was now or never. I was most likely never going to come out with my friends again after this. So I got up from the table and went outside, took out my phone and texted Palita to come meet me outside because I had to talk to her.

            My heart was pumping rapidly in my chest. It really felt like one of those moments where my heart was about through burst through. She texts back saying she’ll be right out. Now my heart races even more. This was it, no turning back. When she exits the front door and approaches me, I get to explaining my 18-month absence. I tell her how I felt bummed out when I found out she was talking to a guy in our third year and then to another guy during our graduation. Simply put, I was jealous. I said something along the lines of, “I know it’s been over a year and I owe you an explanation for disappearing. Truth is I really like you.” Understandably, she is stunned for a moment. But she is quick to respond with, “Oh, I see. But are you okay if we continued being friends?”

            That’s the thing. I don’t know what I was expecting. Real life isn’t a television drama where a guy tells a girl he likes her after ghosting her for over a year and the girl tells him she feels the same. No, it doesn’t work like that. So that was her answer. She didn’t feel towards me the way I felt towards her. I answered her by saying, “Of course, I disappeared for a year, didn’t I?” It was a lie. Perhaps it was my way of saying, “Yeah, I’ll be your friend but just don’t expect to see me as usual.” At that moment, Mint, Vivie and Nan come out from the bar. Mint and Palita go to the bathroom while Vivie and Nan stay with me. Vivie asks me what happened and I tell her everything. She apologizes for having invited me out, not knowing this would’ve happened. It wasn’t her fault. No one would’ve known. Turns out Palita told Mint in the bathroom that I’d confessed to her but she really didn’t feel anything towards me. Like I said, real life isn’t a TV drama. She wasn’t in the bathroom saying, “I told him I wanted to be friends but I actually feel something more.”

            So maybe part of me hoped that she would reciprocate the feelings I had for her. But another part of me also knew to expect the other answer. This wasn’t the ideal world and I did disappear on her for 18 months. The fact that she even responded the way she did was more than I deserved, I suppose. But referring to my previous entry, I think I made my self-exile from my group of friends official that night. While I did say I was content to remain friends, I’ve turned down any further invitations from Mint. But Mint and Vivie were courteous to say that if I ever needed anything, if I needed someone to talk to, I could always give them a call.

            I’m just glad I got my feelings about Palita off my chest. Finally, I was able to erase one of those “what-ifs” from my life. And while it took 18 months, at least I was able to confess the feelings I had for her. Regardless of the outcome, I’m just satisfied I gathered the guts to take action. If I didn’t say something that night, heaven knows I would’ve taken it all the way to my grave. For so long, I wondered if she felt the same about me. It was a question that bothered me every night. I used to think about the day she came up to me after our graduation ceremony and told me about how she stopped talking to a photographer due to incompatibility. My counselor told this maybe this was a sign of her possibly showing interest in me. But being me, I never pursued the matter and let it sit for almost two years. Now, this conflict is finally resolved and I can finally put it behind me.      

            So yeah, I took a step I never thought I’d take. And while the results weren’t exactly what I’d hoped for, at least I got some form of closure. As cliché as this may sound, I can finally move on with my life. From staying at a job for six months to confessing feelings, you really don’t know what to expect from life. But it’s the little things that make you want to keep going; the little surprises that make you smile and appreciate the quality of being alive. The year 2020 has shown me that things can get really rough. But what truly matters is how you respond to it. If you get beaten down to your knees, do you stay down? Or do you get up and fight back? I should be the last person saying this, given that I chose to stay at Thai Fight for six months, but I have to keep on fighting by unleashing the best version of myself at Carabao. This is how I fight the adversity that is 2020. As for love? I think I’ll give it a rest. I won’t go actively searching for it but if it’s close by, then perhaps I’ll give it a shot.  

An Open Letter to Myself, Pt. II

            Who am I kidding? Eventually, we all knew there was going to be a second part, and a part three and a part four. Because this story–my life–has yet to come to its conclusion. Asking myself the same question, I still do struggle to maintain a positive outlook on life. However, what I have changed over the past few months is tell myself that everything that’s happened–good or bad–has all been for the best. It’s like I said before, make the most out of every possible situation life takes you and appreciating the small things. To me, that is how you can find happiness.

            Am I still an outcast, an introvert? Yes, but perhaps not as much as I was before I started work. So I began working my first job on October 1, 2018, having finally graduated from college. I landed in the Content team of the Marketing Communications department of the Siam Piwat Group, who’ve been responsible for running three of my childhood malls: Siam Paragon, Siam Center and Siam Discovery. My responsibilities are primarily writing content to post on the shopping malls’ official websites and Facebook pages. So I’m something of a copywriter. Additionally, I’ve conducted some interviews, most notably with the founder of Herschel Supply when he was visiting his store in Siam Center. My official title says I’m a “Content Creation Officer” (CCO). It sounds pretty cool, I guess.

            I remember saying that I wanted to work here between 1 or 3 years before moving on. But that was when I’d just started back in late 2018. To be honest, I don’t exactly love my job. Every day when I go to work at 9 AM, I always look forward to 6 PM, which is when I finish. Tuesdays and Thursdays are fun because those are gym days. Initially, I went to the gym only on the weekends. Eventually, my trainer pushed me to go during the weekdays as well. Now, I’ve also come to value my weekends so much more. It is my colleagues who make the job tolerable and even enjoyable at times. In our down time, we share a bunch of laughs and I just feel like it exudes so much positive energy. It may feel like a long shot to say this, but it sometimes feels like some of my colleagues are my family.

            There’s my boss, P’Aey, a former magazine chief editor who has a knack for seeing the hidden potential of everyone, including myself. Coming into the office initially writing only in English, I’ve been able to start writing Thai-language content with her tutelage. Then there’s P’Pu, my boss’s second-in-command and longtime best friend. I look up to her as a mother/older sister figure. And if there’s anyone I respect most in this office, it’s P’Pu. She’s helped me in both the work and personal aspects of my life, especially after hearing of my romantic woes. To say the least, I’ve learned a lot from her. Next, you have P’White. What once was an older brother figure to me has now become an aunt-like figure with a preference for girls. I guess you could say she’s the closest person to a dude in the office next to myself. Aside from helping me get on my feet upon my arrival at the office, she’s also given me her fair share of ‘guy advice’. And last but not least, there’s P’Bo and P’Kik. P’Bo mostly works with the tourist department and speaks fluent Chinese. She’s also an expert with the best spots to eat in Bangkok, among other places. P’Kik is the graphic designer on our team. She’s wicked talented with Adobe Illustrator and is a great artist. One of these days, I’m thinking about having her design a new tattoo for me (when she has time, of course). They’ve all made my working experience a very pleasant one. To sum it up, both P’Pu and P’White have taught me valuable lessons–both good and bad–that I won’t forget any time soon. And if they are willing to accept, I am happy to call them my new friends.

            On to the progress of my weight, things have turned out far better than I’ve expected. When I was filling out forms for my job application, I’d written down my weight as 58 kg. Believe it or not, my weight had dipped as low as 53 kg in my first couple of months at my workplace. It was at that point that people were beginning to say that I was seriously looking too skinny and sickly. My weight loss plan had worked out too well. So when I finally opted to go to the gym for an extra two days during the weekdays, the main goal was to put on muscle. I began drinking whey protein as well. The last time I measured, I had up to 84% muscle mass and 11% fat mass, not bad in my opinion. At this point, I look to build more muscle in my arms and upper body so that it can optimize the appearance of a tattoo. Yes, that’s right, I’m working out for the purpose of getting a tattoo. Now, as of September 9, 2019, I weigh in at 56.5 kg and wear size 29 jeans.

            Additionally, at my second gym, I began taking up kickboxing classes as well. I was getting tired of just lifting weights and doing abdominal workouts; I was looking for a new challenge. Now, the last time I’d exercised through boxing was 10 years ago. And I pretty much chickened out after developing blisters on my knuckles. This time, I wasn’t going to back down so easily. I bought myself a pair of 4-oz MMA gloves, hand wraps, boardshorts, and ankle supports from the Fairtex shop near my college campus to prepare myself. In my first time back, I foolishly sparred without hand wraps, leaving my knuckles bleeding and virtually scarred. I also brought a compression clothing set from Under Armour to help stabilize myself for the heavy-duty workouts that were to come. It all paid off. This time around, I really enjoyed my cardio kickboxing sessions, connecting on my combinations and relentlessly throwing my roundhouse kicks. My favorite part of the kickboxing workout was perhaps the Star Trac Boxmaster. After purchasing a pair of Glory 10oz gloves, I’ve been able to spar at my optimal strength and fully enjoy my kickboxing sessions, despite how physically demanding they can be. I’ve devoted all my Thursdays to kickboxing and have even nicknamed them “Muay Thai Thursdays” or MTT.  

            My re-ignited love for kickboxing stemmed from my rediscovered passion for combat sports. In sixth grade, I loved pro wrestling and the WWE. But when I found out wrestling wasn’t real, I grew out of it and set my sights on boxing in eighth grade. I had idolized Muhammad Ali for a long time, having put up a poster of him in my dorm room during my freshman year of high school. Manny Pacquiao was also my contemporary boxing hero. After boxing, there was kickboxing and Muay Thai. I would watch videos of legendary fighters like Buakaw and Kaoklai competing at K-1 on YouTube. This all happened while I was at high school in the United States. When I discovered the NFL and American football, though, I was sidetracked and combat sports went on the shelf for quite a long time.

            That was until I found ONE Championship, Southeast Asia’s first major MMA organization. Now, I’d seen the UFC several times but never really liked the UFC because of its trash-talking aspect. People like Conor McGregor and Ronda Rousey had ruined mixed martial arts, in my opinion. You talk so much shit just to sell tickets and make more money. Might as well rename the UFC “WWE 2.0”, right? But ONE Championship was much different. It taught different values: honor, respect, humility and sportsmanship. And its CEO Chatri Sityodtong held the belief that Asia, the birthplace of martial arts, should embrace one of its most important cultural treasures. Additionally, it also hosted kickboxing and Muay Thai matches, which I found to be very appealing. So I began following ONE Championship on a regular basis, watching every major event on Friday evenings via YouTube livestream. I also started watching weekend Muay Thai programs that included MX Muay Xtreme and Muay Thai Super Champ, shows which had been around for a while but I had only recently discovered. But it didn’t end there; I subscribed to UFC Fight Pass, where I was able to access events in MMA, Glory kickboxing, and Burmese lethwei. Watching fight sports essentially became a new part of my lifestyle. That was how I discovered my love for martial arts and, ultimately, combat sports.

            The reason why I bring this up is because ONE Championship may have affected my plans for the future. Being at Siam Piwat for a year, I can’t help but say that I’m slowly feeling the effects of occupational burnout. I know, one year shouldn’t warrant something like this. But it’s happened and I no longer feel the drive to put up my best performance here any longer. I couldn’t even if I tried. Nevertheless, I’ve been able to learn new things while working at Siam Piwat. After completing my one year at this current job, I’m seriously considering the possibility of moving on. A few months earlier, my dad had gotten in touch with a friend who happens to be part of the board of a Muay Thai organization called “Thai Fight”. I’ve seen many of their events before, having started to regularly watch their events, and they aren’t short on talent. It’s certainly a far cry from ONE Championship but if I do take a job in Thai Fight, it may just be my first step towards achieving my dream of being able to work in ONE Championship. A stepping stone, if you will. And at least, I’ll be able to work in the realm of something I truly love: combat sports.    

            Now, on to the recurring issue, my love life. Months after graduation, I have refused to see Palita. I have successfully avoided her for a total of 1 year. There’s no point in denying it, no matter how much I try, she still has an effect on me after all this time. I don’t know how many times I’ve thought this but she has continued to haunt my dreams. I tell myself every time that I’ve moved on from her, that a relationship between us would be impossible. I’ve come to accept that as well. I’ve done my best to sever our ties and burn our bridges. What I can’t deny is that she has been one of my favorite people to have been present in my life. But for now, it’s better if I didn’t see her. While I know it’s not the healthiest solution, I believe it’s all for the best.

            But in cutting her out of my life, I’ve also inadvertently cut out other friends as well. Not only is this unhealthy, but this type of behavior is self-destructive. Day by day, week by week, month by month… I’m slowly losing friends I’d once made during my days at university. But being me, it honestly doesn’t faze me much. As an introvert, I can handle being alone. Hell, I even value being alone over being in the company of people, even if they’re pleasant. During my sister’s graduation from Chula, I even made it a point to avoid Palita and my college friends, double-checking the graduation schedules to make sure that my sister’s graduation day didn’t fall on the same day as my faculty’s (which was where Palita and my friends would show up). Slowly but certainly, old parts of me die each day with this continued pattern of self-destruction.         

            What’s made things easier is the fact that Mint and Fai are both overseas, with Mint studying for her master’s in London and Fai working her job in Singapore. With that said, reunions will be more scarce. Believe me when I say the last thing I want is a reunion. Whenever the group asks if we want to meet up, I’m the first to say I can’t make it and I’ll make up an excuse to not show up. If you ask me now if I ever want to see these friends of mine again, I would probably say, “No.” To tell you the truth, I could honestly live without them. Have they wronged me in any way? Absolutely not. But one of them has somehow managed to play a significant role on my heart. And because of that, I can’t afford to see her face or even speak to her. In an ideal world, it’s best if we never saw each other or heard from each other again. The final nail in the coffin was when I permanently left our group chat on LINE in order to avoid any conversations or talks of meeting up. The last time I ever spoke with Palita? Through a phone call back in December 2018 before I was headed for the airport to take a flight to Tokyo.     

            However, from my encounters with Palita, I’ve learned not to expect things when it comes to love. Having transitioned from university life to office life, I’ve somehow managed to not attempt to seek out love. Why? Because there’s too much heartache and too much false hope to be found. Now, I have no expectations. Without expectations, there’s no need to have any hope. I can’t explain how relieving it feels to be free of such an emotional burden. I have been told by my colleagues, including P’Pu and P’White, that there will come a time that I will long for the company of friends and yearn for a life partner but I will say that now isn’t the time. Right now, I’m savoring every moment of solitude and freedom that I have.

            But I’m going to bring up the other side of the argument. Yes, my colleagues are right. Damn them for being right. A time will come where I will begin yearning for a girlfriend–a life partner–once again. Hell, a time may even come when I want to start a family and have kids. One weekend, I got to meet my niece on my mother’s side. In my mind I couldn’t help but think how she was the most precious and adorable thing I’d ever seen. It also got me thinking that having a family wasn’t the most terrible thing in the world. Then I was also reminded by a conversation I’d had with P’Pu. It went something along the lines of whenever she felt like giving up, her family–her daughter–was her reason to keep on working. However, I still have certain fears and doubts. I’m afraid that if I were to get married, it would end in separation. I’m afraid that if I had a child, they would go down the same path that I have.

            But it is these “what-ifs” that will ultimately prevent me from finding out how things will truly play out. After all, I do get tired of pondering over the many things that could have been but never came to be. Who knows? Maybe my life partner will turn out to be the support system I’ve needed all this time. Maybe she’ll be able to understand me in ways other people haven’t been able to. Maybe my child, if I were to have one, will change me as a person. Perhaps they will make me an even better version of myself. The possibilities are endless. So yes, perhaps a family of my own would give me a reason to fight, a reason to consistently maintain a positive outlook on life. To say the least, this conversation and meeting my niece has opened up my heart and mind to other possibilities.       

            There’s no knowing for sure which path my life will take me at the end of this year, let alone ten years down the road. What I do know is that, over the past year of working and adjusting to the adult life, I’ve been able to salvage and maintain happiness from the littlest of things, whether it was something funny my colleague said or a good fight I saw on ONE Championship. Yes, there’ve certainly been the rough turns but that’s always to be expected. If there’s anything I’ve learned, there’s no such thing as smooth sailing all the way. There will be road bumps and there will be turbulence. The only thing in your control is how you choose to approach them. Expecting hardships is one thing, easy to do. Accepting them, however, is the hardest thing you may ever have to do. Once you learn to both expect and accept them, there is nothing left to worry about. Until then, just take what you can from all that has happened and turn it into something worth cherishing. I’m not religious or spiritual, but I do believe that everything that happens has its purpose. When you fully accept that, true happiness is possible.