An Open Letter to Myself (and Probably Everyone Else)

For most (if not all) of my life, I’ve struggled to maintain a positive outlook on things. I never really belonged with any group of people when starting school and, as a result, I didn’t make many friends. Perhaps I was one of those people who had few but very close friends as opposed to one of those who had many but just not as close. I was more or less an outcast. But that was only the beginning.

Because I couldn’t find myself a group to stick with, from kindergarten through high school, I found myself thinking that I didn’t belong anywhere. And because of that, I stopped seeking out the company of others. That was when I earned myself the label of introvert. Yes, I had a few select friends to hang out with or talk with, but most of the time I preferred to keep to myself. I think that took a turn when I started the first of my final two years of high school in Hong Kong.

  Junior year at HISHK marked as a turning point in my life. Owing to my lack of confidence and generally low self-esteem, I wasn’t really the type to draw the attention of people. Simply put, I could’ve easily disappeared into a crowd of 5 people (yes, 5) if I wished. I was nobody. But by the age of 17, I’d somehow captivated the attention of a 16-year-old Hong Kong student by the name of Chloe. We met at the school orientation in September 2012 and started out as friends. Chloe and I would continually converse through WhatsApp when we weren’t together. We were close enough that she’d invited me to her 17th birthday party on November 17, 2012.

I didn’t make it to the party. Why? On the night of November 15, I’d suffered my first seizure. I found myself waking up in the school’s infirmary, dizzy and confused. They were in the process of getting me into an ambulance. I was set to stay the night at the nearby hospital to be kept under observation. The following morning, outside of a phone call from my dorm neighbor Clarence, the first message I received was from Chloe, asking how I was doing after having heard of last night’s debacle. Looking back, I’m glad she was concerned for me. But then again, later in the day, a lot of people from school posted on my Facebook wishing me to ‘get well soon’ and ‘feel better’. I would like to take this moment to thank them all.

Anyway, I was able to join with the party group after I was discharged from the hospital on November 17. I hugged Chloe for the first time that same day after I shared a story about my grief on the passing of my Labrador and close friend Abby. Truth be told, that was probably the first time I felt something for her. In this case, I mean something more than friendship. Funnily enough, on November 21, she asked me: “I want to know how you feel about me.” At this point, I know how I’m feeling but I just didn’t know the words to use. That was when I sought out the help of my then-roommate Ilkay. I guess you could say that had it not been for Ilkay, Chloe and I would probably never have dated.

So yeah, Chloe and I began a relationship. But there was only so much we could do since we were confined to boarding school and its bogus rules. December 1st of 2012 was the first time we officially went out. We hung out in the city, caught a movie, and finished our night at Times Square Hong Kong, where I was to take a cab back to school. Five and a half years later, I still look back fondly on our first kiss.

Chloe and I were together from November 21, 2012 up until June 27, 2014 (although I guess she decided to break up with me before, can’t give an exact date on that). At first, I felt sad. Little did I know it would be the first step to my first bout of depression over our breakup. Sometimes it got to the point of me being unable to get out of bed or going to bed as early as 6 PM. In addition, I also lost control of my eating habits. At night, I’d sneak out to the nearby 7-11 to buy bags of chips, bottles of sodas and occasionally some beer. I’d be stuffing my face at midnight or 1 in the morning.  

Later on, when I started university, the depression was joined by resentment. Eventually, it developed into a trifecta of depression, resentment and anger. Before that, I’d tried in vain to talk Chloe into getting back with me only to be met with harsh words of rejection. To add to that, she also began talking about another guy at her university. That was when I became vengeful. One night on November 2014, I snapped and opted to break off all contact with her. Facebook, WhatsApp, Line… I erased every trace of her from my life. Later on, on April 2018, I made amends with Chloe and you could say we’re back on speaking terms.

At university, I’d made myself some friends, surprisingly enough. With certainty I will say that my first friend at college was Beam the anime enthusiast and cosplayer. However, the current status of our friendship is in question. Regardless, the most prominent people in my first set of friends would most definitely be Mint and Fai. Mint had enrolled as 16-year-old college freshman out of RIS. Even though she was 16, she was the designated driver among us (and yes, she did this without a license). Fai was about my age, having graduated from a school in Singapore, having studied there for almost half of her life. Others I will mention include Louis the Frenchman and New the cat-lover. Later on in my sophomore year, I would also befriend Palita, Nan and Vivie.

Naturally, having broken up with Chloe after high school, I’d done some searching when I arrived at college. I’ve said it before and I won’t hesitate to say it again, Mina was my first crush in college. From her competence to the sound of her voice, I was actually crazy about her. My mistake? Advertising to pretty much everyone in the faculty my feelings. That was a lesson I later learned: Don’t always be so trusting of the ones around you. But I still couldn’t bring myself to tell her face-to-face. Sure, I’d given a few gestures (a rose for her after she’d won a competition to become the university’s MC), but that just wasn’t enough. My lack of confidence held me back. While she found out, followed by a crazy maelstrom of emotions (all of which were on my part), we have remained on good terms and I’m happy to say we’re still friends.   

But by then, I was also dealing with other issues. Months prior, my mom had been diagnosed with cancer for the fourth time. Still, she was fighting with my dad and sister by her side. Where was I? Too preoccupied with sulking in my own sorrow. Much so that I forgot that there were other people who needed me. In retrospect, I should’ve been there for her. In the last several weeks of my mom’s life, it took so much out of me having to watch her wither away. On the morning of February 24, 2015, at approximately 5:10 AM, my mom finally left. I was broken down, devastated. But of course, life goes on. We mourned her loss and we moved on.

During this time period, I was significantly struggling with my weight, despite having a personal trainer. I remember stepping on the scale on my first day at the gym to see 81.0 kg on the screen. I was clearly overweight with a fat percentage of 28%. I also remember telling my trainer that my target weight was 60 kg, no matter how long it took. But in the beginning, I was going in the wrong direction. By the end of my freshman year, after having paid a visit to Hong Kong for the first time in a year, I had peaked at a ghastly 85 kg. After being continuously teased and mocked by family friends for my physical stature, I decided that it was now or never.

I hit the gym five days a week, avoided high-carb and high-fat foods, and pretty much ate the equivalent of two meals a day: smoothie for breakfast, regular lunch, and protein bar for dinner. No matter how bad I’d want a double bacon cheeseburger from Carl’s Jr., I would always remind myself that it wasn’t worth the weight gain. The protein bar diet did pay some dividends. Having begun my diet on August 2015 at approximately 84 kg, I was 71 kg by August 2016. People really did notice the progress I’d made and I thought that it was as low I could go. Boy, was I wrong indeed. Today, I refer to this period as “Phase 1”.  

Having shed 14 kg, I felt that I was allowed to resume my regular diet. Okay, I didn’t exactly go back to eating cheeseburgers or Chinese takeout every night but I did eat regular-sized portions for three meals a day. What I didn’t take into consideration was the quality of the foods I was eating. Because of that, I gained as much as 4 kg heading into 2017. Despite being cautious of what I ate during my internship at the Bangkok Post from June to August 2017, this time was when I gained most of my weight. Beginning in February 2018, I began what I now refer to as “Phase 2” of my weight loss goal. I’d gone to my cousin’s wedding struggling to breathe in size 34 trousers. That same day, the scale had read 75.0 when I stepped onto it. I resumed my two-meal-a-day plan with some changes. This time, I would eat strictly two meals, breakfast and lunch only. As of July 2018, I weigh in at 59 kg. I can say that I’ve achieved my target weight, even if it took three years. Now I find myself able to wear size 30-32 pants. These past few months were perhaps the first time in my life where people have actually told me to eat more and that I was getting too skinny. Now whether or not they mean it, I don’t know. But it sure does feel good to hear it from others.

When the “I Have a Crush on Mina” ship had left port, I set my sights on another friend, Vivie. I was able to convince myself that I was in love with this girl, despite having known her for a total of three months by then. Her significant other, whom she is now back with, was (and still is) a full-blown tomboy. Still, I told myself that Vivie was the one. Long story short, I had a crush on her for half of 2016 before she went on exchange in South Korea in our junior year. Then it just pretty much came to an end. Whatever happened then, I’m just glad with the way things are now between us.  

During the first semester of my junior year in October 2016, I suffered another seizure. Apparently, this particular one warranted a prescription of Valium from my doctor. Ignoring the instructions, I took a pill every night before bedtime. As the Diazepam accumulated within me, I realized I was in another depression. At the time, I didn’t know that my medication was the cause of it. But boy, the depression really came at a bad time. Mint was dating this guy she’d met while working one summer at a Swensen’s ice-cream shop and Palita was talking with some guy from the accounting faculty. I was hit with the strong feeling of abandonment. Eventually though, after I ceased taking Valium, all of it began to fade away and I was feeling fine by the time 2017 rolled around.

In the first semester of my senior year, however, I realized that depression wasn’t far behind me. Around September 2017, Mint (having already broken up with the ice-cream shop guy) had begun to realize her orientation and decided to reciprocate the feelings Fai has had for her since our sophomore year. The day she told me, she was dropping me off at the gym. To be honest, I was completely taken by surprise. Simultaneously, I also felt down. I did everything my PT instructed but I didn’t say a word. That same day, after seeing an ad on Facebook, I signed up for BetterHelp so that I had someone to voice my feelings to. After all, before this, Mint had been my one true confidant. But that part was over, forever changed. Mint found out about how I was feeling and it left her briefly conflicted. Before long, the two had started a relationship. And whenever the two had a falling out, Mint would come in my direction seeking solace. At the time, I thought I was just the person to pick up the broken pieces between the two, the fucking crutch to lean on when everyone else had turned their backs on her. Looking back on it, I wasn’t sad because I had a crush on Mint, I was sad because of the change that was to come. And she only came to me because she trusted me. There’s no easy way to say this but our friendship has forever changed because of everything that’s happened. Not much I can do but make the most out of how things have turned out.

For a time during our final semester of senior year, I turned my attention to Palita. I just wanted to be away from Mint and Fai, even Vivie (who related well to the two). I’ll admit I was never as close to Palita and Nan as I had been with Mint and Fai; but I would’ve preferred to be with the former as opposed to the latter. Nevertheless, I truly enjoyed being in the company of Palita. My most favorite memory of her has to do with Hong Kong and Disneyland. From time to time, I’ll go on my Instagram and look at the pictures I took with her during our 2017 trip to Hong Kong. I won’t lie, at some point I may have also been smitten with Palita. I’ve written pieces about her, not that she knows they’re about her. I have sent only one piece of prose to her; but that’s just one of many. Our paths have diverged now that we’ve finished university. I don’t know how many more times I’ll see her but I do know that I’m damn grateful for her presence in my life. No matter what happens between us, she will always be a great friend I’ve had the pleasure of having.

Which is why I’m talking in the first place. I’ve been a negative person for most of my life; just ask my dad, my sister, and my friends. I seem to find the dark even in the brightest of things. There’s always this urge to always dig up some dirt. They got married? Huh, she’s probably in for the money. They’re doing community work? Huh, publicity will get you places. You know what I mean. In the meantime, I would always complain about how things didn’t turn out a certain way.

For sure, there are many things in my life (and I’m sure in others’ lives) that didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to. You know how they say you’re in control of your own destiny? I beg to differ. While part of it may be true, you’re not always in control of the happenings around you. Example? Unreciprocated feelings. I could swim halfway across the world (in reality, I can’t) to prove my love only to find that the other party isn’t willing to do the same. You see, while I may be able to control my own feelings, I have no control over the feelings of another person. And ultimately, things play out differently.

Sometimes I wonder if one course action would’ve made the difference. Did I make a mistake in not calling? What if I’d told her how I felt instead of keeping quiet? My life has mostly been built up of “what-ifs” and “why-nots”. There are endless possibilities when you stop to think about it. I’ve come to realize that I’ve spent too much time wishing for certain things in life. Life is a far cry from perfect but there is still so much to love about it. Sometimes you just can’t force a certain outcome in life and you just have to roll along with it. Over the years, I’ve learned to appreciate every little thing out of every single situation. Furthermore, I’ve learned to live with every outcome. In my opinion, I believe life is about finding small things in every aspect that you learn to appreciate and just ultimately trying to make the most out of every possible situation life takes you, regardless of how much or how little you like it. Essentially, I can appreciate what I do have instead of focusing on what I don’t. When you learn to do this, you can ultimately achieve some degree of happiness in the end.