An Overdue Second Chance
November 4, 2021… that’s probably when I decided to give love a second try. Before then, I suppose I’d all but given up hope at a life with someone who meant… well, a girlfriend. But as they say, nothing is set in stone. Just when I’d resigned myself to my fate, a social media advertisement from the MMA gym with which I have a membership catches my eye. An exceptionally attractive young woman graces the poster and I am immediately captivated. Do I know her? No. But it occurs to me that I really want to know her.
I reach out to the gym’s sales rep/manager, with whom I’m already acquainted with. After some inquiries, I find out that the woman on the ad is actually the gym’s new receptionist. She’s fresh out of college and—best of all—single. Despite not having met her, I let it be known that I want to win the receptionist over. Yes, for the first time in seven years, I’m actually looking to pursue a relationship. But this time, I would have to take a different approach. Things wouldn’t be as easy as they were in high school. Still, I had moved on after a bittersweet rejection over a year ago.
It began when I started following her on Instagram. To say the least, she is a sight for sore eyes. Seeing her through photos, I’m all the more eager to meet her in person. Our correspondence actually began on October 29, with me reacting to her Instagram Stories and her replying with emojis. In the beginning, they were small exchanges. Then she finally sent me a text for the first time on November 12, asking if I would be coming to the gym next week, to which I say yes. My heart lights up with joy upon seeing her message to me, even though I know to not think too much of it. We converse for a few minutes before I end the conversation saying that I looked forward to meeting her.
November 20 - November 21: First Meeting
So November 20 arrives and I return to the gym. Upon seeing her in person for the first time, I am at a loss for words. She looks more beautiful than in her photos. And her smile… my, that smile sent a warmth channeling through my heart. That day, while I didn’t come in for a training session, I spent a total of 9 hours at the gym, most of which were at the reception talking to her as much as I could. I found out she was 23 years old, came from the Chiang Rai province up north, had a preference for coffee, and that her job at gym was her second job.
I returned the next day for a training session, briefly meeting her to pick up a locker key and dropping it off. That was the first half. She messaged me that afternoon asking me if I was mad at her. I was caught off-guard at this. What would make her think such a thing? I asked her why she would think that. When I got no response, I hailed a ride back to gym and ended up spending another 6 hours there, clearing the air between us. Looking back, maybe it was a little too much on my part. But I guess sometimes we do crazy things when we feel strange things for people.
November 26 - November 28: I Like You
The following week, I begin to grow nervous. After spending over a combined 15 hours at the gym just to spend time with her, was she beginning to think I was a weirdo? Was she annoyed by me? While we intermittently exchanged texts, I still couldn’t shake off the feeling that maybe I’d done something wrong. Things would come to a head on November 26, 2021.
After confirming my booking for a 10 AM session and her telling me that she was coming into work at 12 PM, I decided to put all my cards on the table. I asked her two questions:
1. Whether or not she had a boyfriend.
2. If I was allowed to hit on her.
I realize it was a bold move and I may have rushed it. After all, we’d only been seeing each other for a week. But given my previous experiences, I was afraid taking things slow—in my case, too slow—would lead to my opportunity slipping away. She would tell me she didn’t have a boyfriend but said didn’t know how to answer the second question. That was when a colleague of mine read our conversation and said, “You idiot! Put yourself in the girl’s situation. How do you think people would react if a girl said, ‘Yeah, you can hit on me.’?! And her answer to your first question should already have answered the second question!” That’s when I realized he was making a point.
Before I could respond to her, she asks me why I liked her. I sent a message telling her I had no clear answer for her question. The only thing I knew was that every time I heard her voice or saw her smile, my heart would feel so warm in a way that couldn’t be explained. That text went unread for 7 hours, the entire time I was nearly overcome with anxiety. I would awake during the middle of the night to find that she had read and responded to my message saying that she was feeling shy after reading my response. It was enough to make me go back to sleep smiling.
Ultimately, I had let her know that I really liked her and was interested in pursuing something more than friendship. So I go in the next day to train, although she’s not due to come in an hour after I finish. I finish up my jiu-jitsu training, take a shower, and wait an hour before she finally arrives. I can’t explain to you the feeling I have once she steps through those doors. Once she gets settled down, I proceed to send some flirtatious texts even though she’s sitting right across from me. Perhaps it’s my shyness that prevents me from saying things out loud in front of the other people in the room with us. But at least, I want to let her know that I’m for real. I say things like, “How can I see that beautiful smile when you’ve got that mask on?” and “I’m going to be real honest, so beautiful!” For the latter, she jokingly responds, “Who do you mean?” With a smile, I text back, “You, of course!” It really does make my day. Apart from that, she also voices her frustrations about the little problems that come with her job. I’m willing to listen and ready to give helpful insight.
As I’m on my ride back home, she later texts me, apologizing for venting out to me. I respond that it’s no problem and that I’m always ready to listen to her. She then continues by saying that she still doesn’t understand what I see in her, saying that we were both at different levels. At that moment, I immediately responded with, “I believe in attraction over levels.” That and how she made my time spent at the gym more enjoyable, as well as how I wanted to make every moment I spent with her worth cherishing. I suppose it’s enough to soothe her.
On Sunday, I decided to ask her about something that had been bugging me. “Have I ever made you feel uncomfortable?” I texted her. She said no and asked me why I would ever think that. I mentioned the first day we met, where I’d spent 9 hours pretty much standing with her almost the entire time. I then said that making her uncomfortable was the last thing I ever wanted. She assures me that she has never felt uncomfortable and so I’m relieved.
November 29: Anxiety & Heartache
I forgot how anxious I could be when someone I really cared about wouldn’t answer my texts for an extended period of time. I guess the last time I felt like this was around my freshman year of college, 7 years ago. It was the period after my breakup with my first and—to date—only girlfriend. When we first met, I knew she had a habit of not reading messages right away and sometimes not responding to messages after reading them. Yet, with all that in mind, it still felt awful when it happened to me. She texted me one Monday noon and we talked for only two minutes before she stopped responding after less than ten messages between us. Several hours later, even after my texts had appeared as ‘Read’, she still hadn’t responded. This was where the feeling of heartache began creeping in. I knew it was a habit of hers, yet I couldn’t get rid of the dreadful feeling in my heart. After nearly four hours, I would send her another text asking her about work. She responded and I sent her a message cheering her on. It was read but went unanswered for three hours. While she later texted me an apology, it took her an hour to reply to my response.
I guess I’m writing this to document how I feel about this girl who I’ve only met three times and have known for a month. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way about someone. For the first time in seven years, I truly want to experience love again. I know it won’t come easy and I’m going to have to work for it. The worst part of it is the heartache. Knowing the type of person I am, I’m bound to get hurt in several ways. I really don’t know how things will play out. But come hell or high water, I’m willing to go the distance and take my chances in hopes that maybe—just maybe—I can start a relationship with this wonderful receptionist.
December Onwards
I suppose the month of December is when more feelings of doubt begin creeping in. I begin to feel that maybe this this girl just isn’t meant for me. Maybe. I just had a strange feeling whenever I spoke to her. There were times where my texts would go unanswered, even answered, for days at a time. This did well to aggravate my anxiety. Was this some kind of test? Or did she simply not reciprocate my feelings towards her. I wasn’t sure yet.
Nevertheless, I was adamant on pursuing a relationship with her. I wanted to at least try to ask her out on a date. Hell, at that point in time, my last date was 9 years ago. So that was exactly what I did. We had a date scheduled for December 8, 2021. But a few days before we were supposed to meet, I began to feel a lot of self-doubt. How could I possibly think that I could end up in long-term relationship with this girl? So much doubt was gnawing at me that I was considering calling off the date or just going through with it and abruptly ending things. That was until a pep talk from my dad, of all people, instilled me with just enough confidence to give this thing some effort.
We finally met for coffee. She had an iced espresso while I had myself the usual americano. It was a rather quick date, lasting all of one hour. I had scheduled the date for her day off from work, yet it had been so short. And for most of our time in each other’s company, we mostly talked about work. Listen, I enjoyed spending time with her outside of the gym and work. But work hadn’t been the ideal topic of conversation. Honestly, I didn’t learn much about her after that first date. It was still enough for me to try and give it one more shot.
By then, I was living with the reality that I wasn’t the only fish in her pond. After all, a girl with her looks would certainly have a lot of eyes on her. This actually dealt a lot of damage to my morale and self-confidence, the latter of which was pretty low to begin with. But being already damaged, I decided to push ahead and try for a second date with her. I also knew by then that a long-term relationship probably wasn’t on the horizon. But I wanted to cherish my time with her as much as possible. So I chose a special day for our second meeting: Christmas. I asked her if she’d be available to meet me for dinner that day. She said if she could give me her answer later. I figured, “No problem.”
Before then, I traveled to Pattaya after receiving an invitation from the gym to attend a bare-knuckle fighting event they were co-hosting. Of course, she would also be there work as a staff member. It was also the reason why I chose to attend. That and the fact that I love combat sports, duh! And that was when I decided to ask her again, “Will you go to dinner with me this Christmas?” This time, she said yes. But not before mentioning that she’d asked for permission from the gym manager aka her superior. It was at this time I was getting a sense that something fishy was going on. Like maybe the manager was pulling this girl’s strings whenever I was around. Perhaps it was she who dictated her every move when I’d asked her out on her first, and now second date. By now, I should’ve probably seen the red flags. Maybe I did but chose to ignore them. What mattered to me was that she had agreed to dinner on Christmas with me.
Let’s just say there were a few hitches in the date. Traffic was bad, and this was considering the fact that we both took public transportation. I ended up barely arriving on time for the dinner reservation while she ended up arriving late. Either way, our dinner went rather smoothly. We wound up talking about other things that didn’t pertain to our work, which came as quite a relief on my side. But it was at dinner where I also learned something important about her: she had no plans about being in a committed relationship. And right then and there, all my hopes and dreams about this girl were dashed. She then told me she was on a tight schedule. As it turned out, she had another appointment after dinner. So our dinner was cut to just an hour. Come to find out later, she had made this appointment, after agreeing to coming to dinner with me.
And that was the last time I met up with her. Things were silent between us after Christmas and I only sent her a total of one text message on New Year’s Eve. It was during that time when I realized that perhaps she simply just wasn’t meant for me. In fact, both of us were simply not meant for each other. We both wanted different things in our lives and our lifestyles were completely contrasting. From the looks of it, I don’t think neither of us were willing to make any changes in order to accomodate each other, which was fine. After all, we are free to live our own lives. And so I decided to end my pursuit once and for all when 2022 began. No text was sent, no phone call was made… I just simply walked away and ended any correspondence between us.
Epilogue
Looking back on all that’s happened, it all came down to incompatibility. She was fond of the night life and was highly outgoing. On the other hand, I was introverted and had no business partying at night. It was a life that I had put behind me, mostly due to my underlying condition. Then there was the fact that I pushed too hard for something to happen between us. And it blew up in my face. She simply wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. I could understand that; she was 23 at the time and wanted to enjoy her own life. We couldn’t give each other what we were looking for. After all I’ve been through in a span of just over one month, there’s no hard feelings and I wish her only the best in life. I hope that she finds what she’s looking for.
But whatever the case, I’m glad I decided to try my hand in pursuing love once again after several years of standing on the sidelines. After all, it had done me no good of playing the role of bystander. Standing idle and waiting for something magical to happen wasn’t the best idea. And when I decided to make my move on the receptionist girl, I felt for the first time that maybe not all hope was lost. Sure, it didn’t play out the way I’d hoped. But it showed me that there was so much out there in the world waiting to be discovered, whether if it’s experiences or people. This ordeal has given me the strength to continue searching, no matter how long it takes. Because ultimately, we deserve the things we crave. And for me, I suppose it is love that I crave.
