An Open Letter to Myself, Pt. II
Who am I kidding? Eventually, we all knew there was going to be a second part, and a part three and a part four. Because this story–my life–has yet to come to its conclusion. Asking myself the same question, I still do struggle to maintain a positive outlook on life. However, what I have changed over the past few months is tell myself that everything that’s happened–good or bad–has all been for the best. It’s like I said before, make the most out of every possible situation life takes you and appreciating the small things. To me, that is how you can find happiness.
Am I still an outcast, an introvert? Yes, but perhaps not as much as I was before I started work. So I began working my first job on October 1, 2018, having finally graduated from college. I landed in the Content team of the Marketing Communications department of the Siam Piwat Group, who’ve been responsible for running three of my childhood malls: Siam Paragon, Siam Center and Siam Discovery. My responsibilities are primarily writing content to post on the shopping malls’ official websites and Facebook pages. So I’m something of a copywriter. Additionally, I’ve conducted some interviews, most notably with the founder of Herschel Supply when he was visiting his store in Siam Center. My official title says I’m a “Content Creation Officer” (CCO). It sounds pretty cool, I guess.
I remember saying that I wanted to work here between 1 or 3 years before moving on. But that was when I’d just started back in late 2018. To be honest, I don’t exactly love my job. Every day when I go to work at 9 AM, I always look forward to 6 PM, which is when I finish. Tuesdays and Thursdays are fun because those are gym days. Initially, I went to the gym only on the weekends. Eventually, my trainer pushed me to go during the weekdays as well. Now, I’ve also come to value my weekends so much more. It is my colleagues who make the job tolerable and even enjoyable at times. In our down time, we share a bunch of laughs and I just feel like it exudes so much positive energy. It may feel like a long shot to say this, but it sometimes feels like some of my colleagues are my family.
There’s my boss, P’Aey, a former magazine chief editor who has a knack for seeing the hidden potential of everyone, including myself. Coming into the office initially writing only in English, I’ve been able to start writing Thai-language content with her tutelage. Then there’s P’Pu, my boss’s second-in-command and longtime best friend. I look up to her as a mother/older sister figure. And if there’s anyone I respect most in this office, it’s P’Pu. She’s helped me in both the work and personal aspects of my life, especially after hearing of my romantic woes. To say the least, I’ve learned a lot from her. Next, you have P’White. What once was an older brother figure to me has now become an aunt-like figure with a preference for girls. I guess you could say she’s the closest person to a dude in the office next to myself. Aside from helping me get on my feet upon my arrival at the office, she’s also given me her fair share of ‘guy advice’. And last but not least, there’s P’Bo and P’Kik. P’Bo mostly works with the tourist department and speaks fluent Chinese. She’s also an expert with the best spots to eat in Bangkok, among other places. P’Kik is the graphic designer on our team. She’s wicked talented with Adobe Illustrator and is a great artist. One of these days, I’m thinking about having her design a new tattoo for me (when she has time, of course). They’ve all made my working experience a very pleasant one. To sum it up, both P’Pu and P’White have taught me valuable lessons–both good and bad–that I won’t forget any time soon. And if they are willing to accept, I am happy to call them my new friends.
On to the progress of my weight, things have turned out far better than I’ve expected. When I was filling out forms for my job application, I’d written down my weight as 58 kg. Believe it or not, my weight had dipped as low as 53 kg in my first couple of months at my workplace. It was at that point that people were beginning to say that I was seriously looking too skinny and sickly. My weight loss plan had worked out too well. So when I finally opted to go to the gym for an extra two days during the weekdays, the main goal was to put on muscle. I began drinking whey protein as well. The last time I measured, I had up to 84% muscle mass and 11% fat mass, not bad in my opinion. At this point, I look to build more muscle in my arms and upper body so that it can optimize the appearance of a tattoo. Yes, that’s right, I’m working out for the purpose of getting a tattoo. Now, as of September 9, 2019, I weigh in at 56.5 kg and wear size 29 jeans.
Additionally, at my second gym, I began taking up kickboxing classes as well. I was getting tired of just lifting weights and doing abdominal workouts; I was looking for a new challenge. Now, the last time I’d exercised through boxing was 10 years ago. And I pretty much chickened out after developing blisters on my knuckles. This time, I wasn’t going to back down so easily. I bought myself a pair of 4-oz MMA gloves, hand wraps, boardshorts, and ankle supports from the Fairtex shop near my college campus to prepare myself. In my first time back, I foolishly sparred without hand wraps, leaving my knuckles bleeding and virtually scarred. I also brought a compression clothing set from Under Armour to help stabilize myself for the heavy-duty workouts that were to come. It all paid off. This time around, I really enjoyed my cardio kickboxing sessions, connecting on my combinations and relentlessly throwing my roundhouse kicks. My favorite part of the kickboxing workout was perhaps the Star Trac Boxmaster. After purchasing a pair of Glory 10oz gloves, I’ve been able to spar at my optimal strength and fully enjoy my kickboxing sessions, despite how physically demanding they can be. I’ve devoted all my Thursdays to kickboxing and have even nicknamed them “Muay Thai Thursdays” or MTT.
My re-ignited love for kickboxing stemmed from my rediscovered passion for combat sports. In sixth grade, I loved pro wrestling and the WWE. But when I found out wrestling wasn’t real, I grew out of it and set my sights on boxing in eighth grade. I had idolized Muhammad Ali for a long time, having put up a poster of him in my dorm room during my freshman year of high school. Manny Pacquiao was also my contemporary boxing hero. After boxing, there was kickboxing and Muay Thai. I would watch videos of legendary fighters like Buakaw and Kaoklai competing at K-1 on YouTube. This all happened while I was at high school in the United States. When I discovered the NFL and American football, though, I was sidetracked and combat sports went on the shelf for quite a long time.
That was until I found ONE Championship, Southeast Asia’s first major MMA organization. Now, I’d seen the UFC several times but never really liked the UFC because of its trash-talking aspect. People like Conor McGregor and Ronda Rousey had ruined mixed martial arts, in my opinion. You talk so much shit just to sell tickets and make more money. Might as well rename the UFC “WWE 2.0”, right? But ONE Championship was much different. It taught different values: honor, respect, humility and sportsmanship. And its CEO Chatri Sityodtong held the belief that Asia, the birthplace of martial arts, should embrace one of its most important cultural treasures. Additionally, it also hosted kickboxing and Muay Thai matches, which I found to be very appealing. So I began following ONE Championship on a regular basis, watching every major event on Friday evenings via YouTube livestream. I also started watching weekend Muay Thai programs that included MX Muay Xtreme and Muay Thai Super Champ, shows which had been around for a while but I had only recently discovered. But it didn’t end there; I subscribed to UFC Fight Pass, where I was able to access events in MMA, Glory kickboxing, and Burmese lethwei. Watching fight sports essentially became a new part of my lifestyle. That was how I discovered my love for martial arts and, ultimately, combat sports.
The reason why I bring this up is because ONE Championship may have affected my plans for the future. Being at Siam Piwat for a year, I can’t help but say that I’m slowly feeling the effects of occupational burnout. I know, one year shouldn’t warrant something like this. But it’s happened and I no longer feel the drive to put up my best performance here any longer. I couldn’t even if I tried. Nevertheless, I’ve been able to learn new things while working at Siam Piwat. After completing my one year at this current job, I’m seriously considering the possibility of moving on. A few months earlier, my dad had gotten in touch with a friend who happens to be part of the board of a Muay Thai organization called “Thai Fight”. I’ve seen many of their events before, having started to regularly watch their events, and they aren’t short on talent. It’s certainly a far cry from ONE Championship but if I do take a job in Thai Fight, it may just be my first step towards achieving my dream of being able to work in ONE Championship. A stepping stone, if you will. And at least, I’ll be able to work in the realm of something I truly love: combat sports.
Now, on to the recurring issue, my love life. Months after graduation, I have refused to see Palita. I have successfully avoided her for a total of 1 year. There’s no point in denying it, no matter how much I try, she still has an effect on me after all this time. I don’t know how many times I’ve thought this but she has continued to haunt my dreams. I tell myself every time that I’ve moved on from her, that a relationship between us would be impossible. I’ve come to accept that as well. I’ve done my best to sever our ties and burn our bridges. What I can’t deny is that she has been one of my favorite people to have been present in my life. But for now, it’s better if I didn’t see her. While I know it’s not the healthiest solution, I believe it’s all for the best.
But in cutting her out of my life, I’ve also inadvertently cut out other friends as well. Not only is this unhealthy, but this type of behavior is self-destructive. Day by day, week by week, month by month… I’m slowly losing friends I’d once made during my days at university. But being me, it honestly doesn’t faze me much. As an introvert, I can handle being alone. Hell, I even value being alone over being in the company of people, even if they’re pleasant. During my sister’s graduation from Chula, I even made it a point to avoid Palita and my college friends, double-checking the graduation schedules to make sure that my sister’s graduation day didn’t fall on the same day as my faculty’s (which was where Palita and my friends would show up). Slowly but certainly, old parts of me die each day with this continued pattern of self-destruction.
What’s made things easier is the fact that Mint and Fai are both overseas, with Mint studying for her master’s in London and Fai working her job in Singapore. With that said, reunions will be more scarce. Believe me when I say the last thing I want is a reunion. Whenever the group asks if we want to meet up, I’m the first to say I can’t make it and I’ll make up an excuse to not show up. If you ask me now if I ever want to see these friends of mine again, I would probably say, “No.” To tell you the truth, I could honestly live without them. Have they wronged me in any way? Absolutely not. But one of them has somehow managed to play a significant role on my heart. And because of that, I can’t afford to see her face or even speak to her. In an ideal world, it’s best if we never saw each other or heard from each other again. The final nail in the coffin was when I permanently left our group chat on LINE in order to avoid any conversations or talks of meeting up. The last time I ever spoke with Palita? Through a phone call back in December 2018 before I was headed for the airport to take a flight to Tokyo.
However, from my encounters with Palita, I’ve learned not to expect things when it comes to love. Having transitioned from university life to office life, I’ve somehow managed to not attempt to seek out love. Why? Because there’s too much heartache and too much false hope to be found. Now, I have no expectations. Without expectations, there’s no need to have any hope. I can’t explain how relieving it feels to be free of such an emotional burden. I have been told by my colleagues, including P’Pu and P’White, that there will come a time that I will long for the company of friends and yearn for a life partner but I will say that now isn’t the time. Right now, I’m savoring every moment of solitude and freedom that I have.
But I’m going to bring up the other side of the argument. Yes, my colleagues are right. Damn them for being right. A time will come where I will begin yearning for a girlfriend–a life partner–once again. Hell, a time may even come when I want to start a family and have kids. One weekend, I got to meet my niece on my mother’s side. In my mind I couldn’t help but think how she was the most precious and adorable thing I’d ever seen. It also got me thinking that having a family wasn’t the most terrible thing in the world. Then I was also reminded by a conversation I’d had with P’Pu. It went something along the lines of whenever she felt like giving up, her family–her daughter–was her reason to keep on working. However, I still have certain fears and doubts. I’m afraid that if I were to get married, it would end in separation. I’m afraid that if I had a child, they would go down the same path that I have.
But it is these “what-ifs” that will ultimately prevent me from finding out how things will truly play out. After all, I do get tired of pondering over the many things that could have been but never came to be. Who knows? Maybe my life partner will turn out to be the support system I’ve needed all this time. Maybe she’ll be able to understand me in ways other people haven’t been able to. Maybe my child, if I were to have one, will change me as a person. Perhaps they will make me an even better version of myself. The possibilities are endless. So yes, perhaps a family of my own would give me a reason to fight, a reason to consistently maintain a positive outlook on life. To say the least, this conversation and meeting my niece has opened up my heart and mind to other possibilities.
There’s no knowing for sure which path my life will take me at the end of this year, let alone ten years down the road. What I do know is that, over the past year of working and adjusting to the adult life, I’ve been able to salvage and maintain happiness from the littlest of things, whether it was something funny my colleague said or a good fight I saw on ONE Championship. Yes, there’ve certainly been the rough turns but that’s always to be expected. If there’s anything I’ve learned, there’s no such thing as smooth sailing all the way. There will be road bumps and there will be turbulence. The only thing in your control is how you choose to approach them. Expecting hardships is one thing, easy to do. Accepting them, however, is the hardest thing you may ever have to do. Once you learn to both expect and accept them, there is nothing left to worry about. Until then, just take what you can from all that has happened and turn it into something worth cherishing. I’m not religious or spiritual, but I do believe that everything that happens has its purpose. When you fully accept that, true happiness is possible.
