An Open Letter to Myself, A Confidential Compilation (September 2023)
Note: All names have been changed for anonymity
Letter I: July 23, 2018
For most (if not all) of my life, I’ve struggled to maintain a positive outlook on things. I never really belonged with any group of people when starting school and, as a result, I didn’t make many friends. Perhaps I was one of those people who had few but very close friends as opposed to one of those who had many but just not as close. I was more or less an outcast. But that was only the beginning.
Because I couldn’t find myself a group to stick with, from kindergarten through high school, I found myself thinking that I didn’t belong anywhere. And because of that, I stopped seeking out the company of others. That was when I earned myself the label of introvert. Yes, I had a few select friends to hang out with or talk with, but most of the time I preferred to keep to myself. I think that took a turn when I started the first of my final two years of high school in Hong Kong.
Junior year at HKHS marked as a turning point in my life. Owing to my lack of confidence and generally low self-esteem, I wasn’t really the type to draw the attention of people. Simply put, I could’ve easily disappeared into a crowd of 5 people (yes, 5) if I wished. I was nobody. But by the age of 17, I’d somehow captivated the attention of a 16-year-old Hong Kong student by the name of Clara. We met at the school orientation in September 2012 and started out as friends. Clara and I would continually exchange text messages when we weren’t together. We were close enough that she’d invited me to her 17th birthday party on November 17, 2012.
I didn’t make it to the birthday party. Why? On the night of November 15, I’d suffered my first seizure. I found myself waking up in the school’s infirmary, dizzy and confused. They were in the process of getting me into an ambulance. I was set to stay the night at the nearby hospital to be kept under observation. The following morning, outside of a phone call from my dorm neighbor, the first message I received was from Clara, asking how I was doing after having heard of last night’s debacle. Looking back, I’m glad she was concerned for me. But then again, later in the day, a lot of people from school posted on my social media wishing me to ‘get well soon’ and ‘feel better’. I would like to take this moment to thank them all.
Anyway, I was able to join with the party group after I was discharged from the hospital on November 17. I hugged Clara for the first time that same day after I shared a story about my grief on the passing of my Labrador and close friend. Truth be told, that was probably the first time I felt something for her. In this case, I mean something more than friendship. Funnily enough, on November 21, she asked me: “I want to know how you feel about me.” Now at this point, I know how I’m feeling but I just didn’t know the words to use. That was when I sought out the help of my then-roommate Izmail. I guess you could say that had it not been for Izmail, Clara and I would probably never have dated.
So yeah, Clara and I began a relationship. But there was only so much we could do since we were confined to boarding school and its bogus rules. December 1st of 2012 was the first time we officially went out. We hung out in the city, caught a movie, and finished our night at Times Square Hong Kong, where I was to take a cab back to school. Five and a half years later, I still look back fondly on our first kiss.
Clara and I were together from November 21, 2012 up until June 27, 2014 (although I guess she decided to break up with me before, can’t give an exact date on that). At first, I felt sad. Little did I know it would be the first step to my first bout of depression over our breakup. Sometimes it got to the point of me being unable to get out of bed or going to bed as early as 6 PM. In addition, I also lost control of my eating habits. At night, I’d sneak out to the nearby convenience store to buy bags of chips, bottles of sodas and occasionally some beer. I’d be stuffing my face at midnight or 1 in the morning.
Later on, when I started university, the depression was joined by resentment. Eventually, it developed into a trifecta of depression, resentment and anger. Before that, I’d tried in vain to talk Clara into getting back with me only to be met with harsh words of rejection. To add to that, she also began talking about another guy at her university. That was when I became vengeful. One night on November 2014, I snapped and opted to break off all contact with her. Every social media platform, I erased every trace of her from my life. Later on, on April 2018, I made amends with Clara and you could say we’re back on good terms.
At university, I’d made myself some friends, surprisingly enough. With certainty I will say that my first friend at college was Brie the anime enthusiast and cosplayer. However, the current status of our friendship is in question. Regardless, the most prominent people in my first set of friends would most definitely be Mel and Flora. Mel had enrolled as 16-year-old college freshman out of high school. Even though she was 16, she was the designated driver among us (and yes, she did this without a license). Flora was about my age, having graduated from a school in Singapore, having studied there for almost half of her life. Others I will mention include Leon the Frenchman and Nick the cat-lover. Later on in my sophomore year, I would also befriend Paula, Nora and Val.
Naturally, having broken up with Clara after high school, I’d done some searching when I arrived at college. I’ve said it before and I won’t hesitate to say it again, Madison was my first crush in college. From her competence to the sound of her voice, I was actually crazy about her. My mistake? Advertising to pretty much everyone in the faculty my feelings. That was a lesson I later learned: Don’t always be so trusting of the ones around you. But I still couldn’t bring myself to tell her face-to-face. Sure, I’d given a few gestures (a rose for her after she’d won a competition to become the university’s MC), but that just wasn’t enough. My lack of confidence held me back. While she found out, followed by a crazy maelstrom of emotions (all of which were on my part), we have remained on good terms and I’m happy to say we’re still friends.
But by then, I was also dealing with other issues. Months prior, my mom had been diagnosed with cancer for the fourth time. Still, she was fighting with my dad and sister by her side. Where was I? Too preoccupied with sulking in my own sorrow. Much so that I forgot that there were other people who needed me. In retrospect, I should’ve been there for her. In the last several weeks of my mom’s life, it took so much out of me having to watch her wither away. On the morning of February 24, 2015, at approximately 5:10 AM, my mom finally left. I was broken down, devastated. But of course, life goes on. We mourned her loss and we moved on.
During this time period, I was significantly struggling with my weight, despite having a personal trainer. I remember stepping on the scale on my first day at the gym to see 81.0 kg on the screen. I was clearly overweight with a fat percentage of 28%. I also remember telling my trainer that my target weight was 60 kg, no matter how long it took. But in the beginning, I was going in the wrong direction. By the end of my freshman year, after having paid a visit to Hong Kong for the first time in a year, I had peaked at a ghastly 85 kg. After being continuously teased and mocked by family friends for my physical stature, I decided that it was now or never.
I hit the gym five days a week, avoided high-carb and high-fat foods, and pretty much ate the equivalent of two meals a day: smoothie for breakfast, regular lunch, and protein bar for dinner. No matter how bad I’d want a double bacon cheeseburger, I would always remind myself that it wasn’t worth the weight gain. The protein bar diet did pay some dividends. Having begun my diet on August 2015 at approximately 84 kg, I was 71 kg by August 2016. People really did notice the progress I’d made and I thought that it was as low I could go. Boy, was I wrong indeed. Today, I refer to this period as “Phase 1”.
Having shed 14 kg, I felt that I was allowed to resume my regular diet. Okay, I didn’t exactly go back to eating cheeseburgers or Chinese takeout every night but I did eat regular-sized portions for three meals a day. What I didn’t take into consideration was the quality of the foods I was eating. Because of that, I gained as much as 4 kg heading into 2017. Despite being cautious of what I ate during my internship at a newspaper from June to August 2017, this time was when I gained most of my weight. Beginning in February 2018, I began what I now refer to as “Phase 2” of my weight loss goal. I’d gone to my cousin’s wedding struggling to breathe in size 34 trousers. That same day, the scale had read 75.0 when I stepped onto it. I resumed my two-meal-a-day plan with some changes. This time, I would eat strictly two meals, breakfast and lunch only. As of July 2018, I weigh in at 59 kg. I can say that I’ve achieved my target weight, even if it took three years. Now I find myself able to wear size 30-32 pants. These past few months were perhaps the first time in my life where people have actually told me to eat more and that I was getting too skinny. Now whether or not they mean it, I don’t know. But it sure does feel good to hear it from others.
When the “I Have a Crush on Madison” ship had left port, I set my sights on another friend, Val. I was able to convince myself that I was in love with this girl, despite having known her for a total of three months by then. Her significant other, whom she is now back with, was (and still is) a full-blown tomboy. Still, I told myself that Val was the one. Long story short, I had a crush on her for half of 2016 before she went on exchange in South Korea in our junior year. Then it was just pretty much coming to an end. Whatever happened then, I’m just glad with the way things are now between us.
During the first semester of my junior year in October 2016, I suffered another seizure. Apparently, this particular one warranted a prescription of Valium from my doctor. Ignoring the instructions, I took a pill every night before bedtime. As the Diazepam accumulated within me, I realized I was in another depression. At the time, I didn’t know that my medication was the cause of it. But boy, the depression really came at a bad time. Mel was dating this guy she’d met while working one summer at an ice-cream shop and Paula was talking with some guy from the accounting faculty. I was hit with the strong feeling of abandonment. Eventually though, after I ceased taking Valium, all of it began to fade away and I was feeling fine by the time 2017 rolled around.
In the first semester of my senior year, however, I realized that depression wasn’t far behind me. Around September 2017, Mel (having already broken up with the ice-cream shop guy) had begun to realize her orientation and decided to reciprocate the feelings Flora has had for her since our sophomore year. The day she told me, she was dropping me off at the gym. To be honest, I was completely taken by surprise. Simultaneously, I completely felt down. I did everything my PT instructed but I didn’t say a word. That same day, after seeing an ad on social media, I signed up for HarmonyHeal so that I had someone to voice my feelings to. After all, before this, Mel had been my one true confidant. But that part was over, forever changed. Mel found out about how I was feeling and it left her briefly conflicted. Before long, the two had started a relationship, meaning Mel and Flora. And whenever the two had a falling out, Mel would come in my direction seeking solace. At the time, I thought I was just the person to pick up the broken pieces between the two, the fucking crutch to lean on when everyone else had turned their backs on her. Looking back on it, I wasn’t sad because I had a crush on Mel, I was sad because of the change that was to come. And she only came to me because she trusted me. There’s no easy way to say this but our friendship has forever changed because of everything that’s happened. Not much I can do but make the most out of how things have turned out.
For a time during our final semester of senior year, I turned my attention to Paula. I just wanted to be away from Mel and Flora, even Val (who related well to the two). I’ll admit I was never as close to Paula and Nora as I had been with Mel and Flora; but I would’ve preferred to be with the former as opposed to the latter. Nevertheless, I truly enjoyed being in the company of Paula. My most favorite memory of her has to do with Hong Kong and JoyWorld. From time to time, I’ll go on my social media and look at the pictures I took with her during our 2017 trip to Hong Kong. I won’t lie, at some point I may have also been smitten with Paula. I’ve written pieces about her, not that she knows they’re about her. I have sent only one piece of prose to her; but that’s just one of many. Our paths have diverged now that we’ve finished university. I don’t know how many more times I’ll see her but I do know that I’m damn grateful for her presence in my life. No matter what happens between us, she will always be a great friend I’ve had the pleasure of having.
Which is why I’m talking in the first place. I’ve been a negative person for most of my life; just ask my dad, my sister, and my friends. I seem to find the dark even in the brightest of things. There’s always this urge to always dig up some dirt. They got married? Huh, she’s probably in for the money. They’re doing community work? Huh, publicity will get you places. You know what I mean. In the meantime, I would always complain about how things didn’t turn out a certain way.
For sure, there are many things in my life (and I’m sure in others’ lives) that didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to. You know how they say you’re in control of your own destiny? I beg to differ. While part of it may be true, you’re not always in control of the happenings around you. Example? Unreciprocated feelings. I could swim halfway across the world (in reality, I can’t) to prove my love only to find that the other party isn’t willing to do the same. You see, while I may be able to control my own feelings, I have no control over the feelings of another person. And ultimately, things play out differently.
Sometimes I wonder if one course action would’ve made the difference. Did I make a mistake in not calling? What if I’d told her how I felt instead of keeping quiet? My life has mostly been built up of “what-ifs” and “why-nots”. There are endless possibilities when you stop to think about it. I’ve come to realize that I’ve spent too much time wishing for certain things in life. Life is a far cry from perfect but there is still so much to love about it. Sometimes you just can’t force a certain outcome in life and you just have to roll along with it. Over the years, I’ve learned to appreciate every little thing out of every single situation. Furthermore, I’ve learned to live with every outcome. In my opinion, I believe life is about finding small things in every aspect that you learn to appreciate and just ultimately trying to make the most out of every possible situation life takes you, regardless of how much or how little you like it. Essentially, I can appreciate what I do have instead of focusing on what I don’t. When you learn to do this, you can ultimately achieve some degree of happiness in the end.
Letter II: September 11, 2019
Who am I kidding? Eventually, we all knew there was going to be a second part, and a part three and a part four. Because this story–my life–has yet to come to its conclusion. Asking myself the same question, I still do struggle to maintain a positive outlook on life. However, what I have changed over the past few months is tell myself that everything that’s happened–good or bad–has all been for the best. It’s like I said before, make the most out of every possible situation life takes you and appreciating the small things. To me, that is how you can find happiness.
Am I still an outcast, an introvert? Yes, but perhaps not as much as I was before I started work. So I began working my first job on October 1, 2018, having finally graduated from college. I landed in the Content team of the Marketing Communications department of the Asia Retail Group, who’ve been responsible for running three of my childhood malls. My responsibilities are primarily writing content to post on the shopping malls’ official websites and social media pages. So I’m something of a copywriter. Additionally, I’ve conducted some interviews with several brand owners. My official title says I’m a “Content Creation Officer” (CCO). It sounds pretty cool, I guess.
I remember saying that I wanted to work here between 1 or 3 years before moving on. But that was when I’d just started back in late 2018. To be honest, I don’t exactly love my job. Every day when I go to work at 9 AM, I always look forward to 6 PM, which is when I finish. Tuesdays and Thursdays are fun because those are gym days. Initially, I went to the gym only on the weekends. Eventually, my trainer pushed me to go during the weekdays as well. Now, I’ve also come to value my weekends so much more. It is my colleagues who make the job tolerable and even enjoyable at times. In our down time, we share a bunch of laughs and I just feel like it exudes so much positive energy. It may feel like a long shot to say this, but it sometimes feels like some of my colleagues are my family.
There’s my boss, Amy, a former magazine chief editor who has a knack for seeing the potential in everyone, including myself. Coming into the office initially writing only in English, I’ve been able to start writing Thai-language content with her tutelage. Then there’s Pat, my boss’s second-in-command and longtime best friend. I look up to her as a mother/older sister figure. And if there’s anyone I respect most in this office, it’s Pat. She’s helped me in both the work and personal aspects of my life, especially after hearing of my romantic woes. To say the least, I’ve learned a lot from her. Next, you have Wanda. What once was an older brother figure to me has now become an aunt-like figure with a preference for girls. I guess you could say she’s the closest person to a dude in the office next to myself. Aside from helping me get on my feet upon my arrival at the office, she’s also given me her fair share of ‘guy advice’. And last but not least, there’s Bonnie and Kara. Bonnie mostly works with the tourist department and speaks fluent Chinese. She’s also an expert with the best spots to eat in Bangkok, among other places. Kara is the graphic designer on our team. She’s wicked talented with Adobe Illustrator and is a great artist. One of these days, I’m thinking about having her design a new tattoo for me (when she has time, of course). They’ve all made my working experience a very pleasant one. To sum it up, both Pat and Wanda have taught me valuable lessons–both good and bad–that I won’t forget any time soon. And if they are willing to accept, I am happy to call them my new friends.
On to the progress of my weight, things have turned out far better than I’ve expected. When I was filling out forms for my job application, I’d written down my weight as 58 kg. Believe it or not, my weight had dipped as low as 53 kg in my first couple of months at my workplace. It was at that point that people were beginning to say that I was seriously looking too skinny and sickly. My weight loss plan had worked out too well. So when I finally opted to go to the gym for an extra two days during the weekdays, the main goal was to put on muscle. I began drinking whey protein as well. The last time I measured, I had up to 84% muscle mass and 11% fat mass, not bad in my opinion. At this point, I look to build more muscle in my arms and upper body so that it can optimize the appearance of a tattoo. Yes, that’s right, I’m working out for the purpose of getting a tattoo. Now, as of September 9, 2019, I weigh in at 56.5 kg and wear size 29 jeans.
Additionally, at my second gym, I began taking up kickboxing classes as well. I was getting tired of just lifting weights and doing abdominal workouts; I was looking for a new challenge. Now, the last time I’d exercised through boxing was 10 years ago. And I pretty much chickened out after developing blisters on my knuckles. This time, I wasn’t going to back down so easily. I bought myself a pair of 4-oz MMA gloves, hand wraps, boardshorts, and ankle supports from the fight gear shop near my college campus to prepare myself. In my first time back, I foolishly sparred without hand wraps, leaving my knuckles bleeding and virtually scarred. I also brought a compression clothing set to help stabilize myself for the heavy-duty workouts that were to come. It all paid off. This time around, I really enjoyed my cardio kickboxing sessions, connecting on my combinations and relentlessly throwing my roundhouse kicks. My favorite part of the kickboxing workout was perhaps the Boxmaster. After purchasing a pair of 10oz boxing gloves, I’ve been able to spar at my optimal strength and fully enjoy my kickboxing sessions, despite how physically demanding they can be. I’ve devoted all my Thursdays to kickboxing and have even nicknamed them “Muay Thai Thursdays” or MTT.
My re-ignited love for kickboxing stemmed from my rediscovered passion for combat sports. In sixth grade, I loved pro wrestling and Worldwide Wrestling. But when I found out wrestling wasn’t real, I grew out of it and set my sights on boxing in eighth grade. I had idolized a number of boxers for the longest time, putting up a poster of one of them in my dorm room during my freshman year of high school. After boxing, there was kickboxing and Muay Thai. I would watch videos of legendary Thai fighters competing at World Kick on YouTube. This all happened while I was at high school in the United States. When I discovered American football, though, I was sidetracked and combat sports went on the shelf for quite a long time.
That was until I found Premier Championship, Southeast Asia’s first major MMA organization. Now, I’d seen the World Fight Championship several times but never really liked the World Fight Championship because of its trash-talking aspect. Its stars had ruined mixed martial arts, in my opinion. You had to talk so much shit just to sell tickets and make more money. But Premier Championship was just different. It taught different values: honor, respect, humility and sportsmanship. And its CEO held the belief that Asia, the birthplace of martial arts, should embrace one of its most important cultural treasures. Additionally, it also hosted kickboxing and Muay Thai matches, which I found to be very appealing. So I began following Premier on a regular basis, watching every major event on Friday evenings via livestream. I also started watching weekend Muay Thai programs that included Extreme Muay Thai and Champion Muay Thai, shows which had been around for a while but I had only recently discovered. But it didn’t end there; I subscribed to World Fight Library, where I was able to access events in MMA and kickboxing. Watching fight sports essentially became a new part of my lifestyle. That was how I discovered my love for martial arts and, ultimately, combat sports.
The reason why I bring this up is because Premier Championship may have affected my plans for the future. Being at Asia Retail for a year, I can’t help but say that I’m slowly feeling the effects of occupational burnout. I know, one year shouldn’t warrant something like this. But it’s happened and I no longer feel the drive to put up my best performance here any longer. I couldn’t even if I tried. Nevertheless, I’ve been able to learn new things while working at Asia Retail. After completing my one year at this current job, I’m seriously considering the possibility of moving on. A few months earlier, my dad had gotten in touch with a friend who happens to be part of the board of a Muay Thai organization called Siam Fighting. I’ve seen many of their events before, having started to regularly watch their events, and they aren’t short on talent. It’s certainly a far cry from Premier Championship but if I do take a job in Siam Fighting, it may just be my first step towards achieving my dream of being able to work in Premier Championship. A stepping stone, if you will. And at least, I’ll be able to work in the realm of something I truly love: combat sports.
Now, on to the recurring issue, my love life. Months after graduation, I have refused to see Paula. I have successfully avoided her for a total of 1 year. There’s no point in denying it, no matter how much I try, she still has an effect on me after all this time. I don’t know how many times I’ve thought this but she has continued to haunt my dreams. I tell myself every time that I’ve moved on from her, that a relationship between us would be impossible. I’ve come to accept that as well. I’ve done my best to sever our ties and burn our bridges. What I can’t deny is that she has been one of my favorite people to have been present in my life. But for now, it’s better if I didn’t see her. While I know it’s not the healthiest solution, I believe it’s all for the best.
But in cutting her out of my life, I’ve also inadvertently cut out other friends as well. Not only is this unhealthy, but this type of behavior is self-destructive. Day by day, week by week, month by month… I’m slowly losing friends I’d once made during my days at university. But being me, it honestly doesn’t faze me much. As an introvert, I can handle being alone. Hell, I even value being alone over being in the company of people, even if they’re pleasant. During my sister’s graduation from college for her master’s, I even made it a point to avoid Paula and my college friends, double-checking the graduation schedules to make sure that my sister’s graduation day didn’t fall on the same day as my faculty’s (which was where Paula my friends would show up). Slowly but certainly, old parts of me die each day with this continued pattern of self-destruction.
What’s made things easier is the fact that Mel and Flora are both overseas, with Mel studying for her master’s in London and Flora working her job in Singapore. With that said, reunions will be more scarce. Believe me when I say the last thing I want is a reunion. Whenever the group asks if we want to meet up, I’m the first to say I can’t make it and I’ll make up an excuse to not show up. If you ask me now if I ever want to see these friends of mine again, I would probably say, “No.” To tell you the truth, I could honestly live without them. Have they wronged me in any way? Absolutely not. But one of them has somehow managed to play a significant role on my heart. And because of that, I can’t afford to see her face or even speak to her. In an ideal world, it’s best if we never saw each other or heard from each other again. The final nail in the coffin was when I permanently left our friend group chat in order to avoid any conversations or talks of meeting up. The last time I ever spoke with Paula? Through a phone call back in December 2018 before I was headed for the airport to take a flight to Tokyo.
However, from my encounters with Paula, I’ve learned not to expect things when it comes to love. Having transitioned from university life to office life, I’ve somehow managed to not attempt to seek out love. Why? Because there’s too much heartache and too much false hope to be found. Now, I have no expectations. Without expectations, there’s no need to have any hope. I can’t explain how relieving it feels to be free of such an emotional burden. I have been told by my colleagues, including Pat and Wanda, that there will come a time that I will long for the company of friends and yearn for a life partner but I will say that now isn’t the time. Right now, I’m savoring every moment of solitude and freedom that I have.
But I’m going to bring up the other side of the argument. Yes, my colleagues are right. Damn them for being right. A time will come where I will begin yearning for a girlfriend–a life partner–once again. Hell, a time may even come when I want to start a family and have kids. One weekend, I got to meet my niece on my mother’s side. In my mind I couldn’t help but think how she was the most precious and adorable thing I’d ever seen. It also got me thinking that having a family wasn’t the most terrible thing in the world. Then I was also reminded by a conversation I’d had with Pat. It went something along the lines of whenever she felt like giving up, her family–her daughter–was her reason to keep on working. However, I still have certain fears and doubts. I’m afraid that if I were to get married, it would end in separation. I’m afraid that if I had a child, they would go down the same path that I have.
But it is these “what-ifs” that will ultimately prevent me from finding out how things will truly play out. After all, I do get tired of pondering over the many things that could have been but never came to be. Who knows? Maybe my life partner will turn out to be the support system I’ve needed all this time. Maybe she’ll be able to understand me in ways other people haven’t been able to. Maybe my child, if I were to have one, will change me as a person. Perhaps they will make me an even better version of myself. The possibilities are endless. So yes, perhaps a family of my own would give me a reason to fight, a reason to consistently maintain a positive outlook on life. To say the least, this conversation and meeting my niece has opened up my heart and mind to other possibilities.
There’s no knowing for sure which path my life will take me at the end of this year, let alone ten years down the road. What I do know is that, over the past year of working and adjusting to the adult life, I’ve been able to salvage and maintain happiness from the littlest of things, whether it was something funny my colleague said or a good fight I saw on Premier Championship. Yes, there’ve certainly been the rough turns but that’s always to be expected. If there’s anything I’ve learned, there’s no such thing as smooth sailing all the way. There will always be road bumps and there will always be turbulence. The only thing in your control is how you choose to approach them. Expecting hardships is one thing, easy to do. Accepting them, however, is the hardest thing you may ever have to do. Once you learn to both expect and accept them, there is nothing left to worry about. Until then, just take what you can from all that has happened and turn it into something worth cherishing. I’m not religious or spiritual, but I do believe that everything that happens has its purpose. When you fully accept that, true happiness is possible.
Letter III: September 18, 2020
I didn’t expect for there to be a third part to all this. But then again, nothing is certain. So here I am once more. And chances are that we are far from the end. Like the previous two parts, I’m going to ask myself the same question. Is it difficult to maintain a positive outlook on life? Yes, it’s an uphill battle to try and see the good in life. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. For every cloud, there’s always a silver lining. And I still find that it’s the small things that make life worth appreciating.
So where do I begin? I’m currently working my third job since graduating college, my second job of the year 2020. I did end up leaving Asia Retail Group to work for Siam Fighting. My stint with the Siam Fighting company lasted all of six months. Yes, six months. Not even a year. I began working at Siam Fighting on February 3, 2020 before walking out of the office for the last time on August 28, 2020. Not once did I go to an event they hosted due to the severity of the COVID pandemic. Perhaps it was best I never got to go.
Going into Siam Fighting, I noticed so many red flags with this so-called “organization”. Expecting the office to be a building of some kind, I was greeted with a four-story house. Siam Fighting was basically a home office where the bottom three floors were working space. “Okay, I guess it’s about the quality of the staff,” I thought to myself. Then came the second red flag, the HR guy. Handing in my documents, dude has me sit down for a conversation about how he was tasked with the honorable job of holding down the top rope for the fighters at events, how he served in the Thai army, and how he was the company owner’s brother-in-law. Um, okay?
Three days into the job, my team and I had a meeting that finished late. So we didn’t get to cleaning up the room. Next day, HR guy calls us individually to talk. When it comes my turn, a colleague warns me, “Whatever he says, stay calm.” I think to myself, “This isn’t good.” As I go to his office, I carry my water bottle that I had just filled up with me. He looks at me and at it as I enter his office. When I sit, he asks, “New water bottle?” Before I answer, he continues, “You know you’re not respecting me by bringing your bottle into my office.” What the actual fuck? But he’s not done. He goes on about how our office was a mess and how we’d been noisy during our meeting (guess people aren’t allowed to have a good laugh). But what really pissed me off was when he said these words to me: “Don’t let your actions affect your father’s image.” Fuck you, man! Right then and there, I decided that this HR guy was my enemy. Whatever he did, friendly or hostile, I would hate him.
I talked about this with my colleagues and it’s no surprise to them. Apparently, HR guy had always been this big of a douche. I guess he thinks just because the owner is married to his sister, it gives him absolute power. But the shenanigans with him don’t end there. Whenever people want to take a leave day, he’ll pry for answers. If someone wants to take a personal day, he’ll ask where they are going and what they are going to do. Now I’m no HR expert, but I’m pretty sure that’s none of his damn business. I could keep going on about this dude but it would take forever. In short, he’s an unqualified piece of shit who only got his job because of family connections.
Next, the company owner. We’re talking about a guy who talks a big talk but doesn’t do a lot of walking, if you know what I mean. I remember the first time I met him, I was wearing a t-shirt from Premier Championship. Just so you know, I’m a huge Premier Championship fan. What I didn’t know: Siam Fighting considers Premier Championship to be a rival. Hearing this, I laugh a little. Almost immediately, he proceeds to talk shit about the organization. Something about how their TV ratings in Thailand were so low and that they were going to go under sooner or later. And this was just the beginning. Once I started working for him, he’d always find a reason to start a conversation about Premier Championship and it was always negative. For his part, he talked about doing a lot of big projects under the Siam Fighting brand that never came to fruition. Examples include a hotel, an energy drink, a restaurant and a night club. So I really think he needs to take a seat. From now on, I’ll never believe a single word he says. I’m done with him and all his talk.
But like I said, there were the little things that made it better. For starters, my colleagues at Siam Fighting were about the same age as I was. You had Cheryl who graduated from college in Australia and had been working at the company for a year. There was Erin, who attended a local university and was also at Siam Fighting for a year. Honestly, I still think she was the most beautiful of all our colleagues. You have Janet, the youngest of us all, and the kid who always gave me a lift to the subway station. Bless that kid, she was always my closest confidant in that office. And last but not least, there was Naomi, an alumnus of my university but from the College of Arts. These were pleasant people to be around and made great gossip company.
Six months in Siam Fighting had never felt so long. For comparison, I worked at Asia Retail for 14 months and felt that they flew by faster. I was part of the newly-established “online team” composed of five people. But the owner wanted to us to do the work of twenty people. Every week or two, he would ask why the World Fight or Premier Championship social media pages were able to put up quality online content whereas we couldn’t. The answer is simple: They have a stacked team of staff who have a clear idea of what they’re doing and had all the expensive tools at their disposal. As for us, we were working in the dark with limited tools and getting contradictory instructions.
A lifeline was thrown to me when my father approached me in late July 2020 about how his friend, the owner of Bovine Beverages, had offered a job after hearing of my woes at Siam Fighting. I was hesitant at first and thought about maybe staying until the first event, scheduled for September 19. But eventually, I chose to hand in my resignation effective on August 28. After a less-than-stellar job interview with the head of marketing, I was finally able to start working with Bovine on September 16, 2020. The people here seem nice and can lean towards funny when there’s no pressure. I know it won’t be smooth sailing and I hope things will get better from now on.
Now, to the biggest update I have this year: love life. You really never know what to expect in life. One year ago, I thought I would never see Paula again. I made a point that I never wanted to see that group of friends again. But guess what happened? I did see that group of friends again. And I got to see Paula again after 18 months. I didn’t expect it to happen but it did. And I sure didn’t expect for the following events to play out.
So out of the blue, on July 13, 2020, Mel calls me while I’m at work. She asks if I’m interested in coming to a reunion dinner and drinks that evening. Everyone would be there, minus Flora. By now, you know what I’m going to say. At first, I make an excuse about having to work six days a week at Siam Fighting and that I was drained. Val actually chimes in on the call begging for me to come. I still insist that I was too tired and wouldn’t be able to make it. So they back off and it appears I won’t be going. But then I start second-guessing my decision. I call Mel back and ask her, “Look, I know it’s weird that I’m asking but… is Paula still single?” She tells me that Paula had always been single ever since talking to that guy from our third year in college. I continue our conversation, going on about how I still have unresolved feelings about Paula. Mel says if she were me, she wouldn’t want to leave things unresolved and would rather have some closure. At that moment, I decided I was going to go to that dinner.
So I’m sitting in the car with Janet, waiting to arrive at the subway. Traffic is unusually bad today and I’m just eager to get to the dinner. As we approach the entrance where I’m supposed to get off, I say to my colleague, “I think I’m about to do something stupid tonight.” With that, I boarded the subway train and was well on my way towards seeing someone I hadn’t seen in well over a year. When I got to the restaurant, none of my friends were to be seen. Turns out they were on the second floor. So I climbed a flight of stairs and I saw her. There she was, in all her beauty. Those 18 months had barely changed her. Everyone was busy conversing and it took me clearing my throat to finally get their attention.
We get to catching up as I make myself comfortable next to Paula. For the first time in 18 months, I talk to her just like we were back in college. So many thoughts are rushing through my head in that moment. Do I keep my cool? Do I resolve the thing that’s been bothering me this whole time? I don’t have time to make a decision as the group decides to leave the restaurant and go to a bar for drinks. Guess getting things off my chest will have to wait.
When we finally get settled at the bar, I sit silently with an occasional sip from my glass of water. The entire time, my eyes are fixated on Paula, who is sitting across from me. Sounds creepy, I know, but I was actually thinking about what to say or what to do next. Hell, I’d finally made some progress by agreeing to come to dinner with my college friends after a long absence. At this point, I was thinking it was now or never. I was most likely never going to come out with my friends again after this. So I got up from the table and went outside, took out my phone and texted Paula to come meet me outside because I had to talk to her.
My heart was pumping rapidly in my chest. It really felt like one of those moments where my heart was about through burst right through. She texts back saying she’ll be right out. Now my heart races even more. This was it, no turning back. When she exits the front door and approaches me, I get to explaining my 18-month absence. I tell her how I felt bummed out when I found out she was talking to a guy in our third year and then to another guy during our graduation. Simply put, I was jealous. I said something along the lines of, “I know it’s been over a year and I owe you an explanation for disappearing. Truth is I really like you.” Understandably, she is stunned for a moment. But she is quick to respond with, “Oh, I see. But are you okay if we continued being friends?”
See, that’s the thing. I don’t know what I was expecting. Real life isn’t a television drama where a guy tells a girl he likes her after ghosting her for over a year and the girl tells him she feels the same. No, it doesn’t work like that. So that was her answer. She didn’t feel towards me the way I felt towards her. I answered her by saying, “Of course, I disappeared for over a year, didn’t I?” It was a lie. Perhaps it was my way of saying, “Yeah, I’ll be your friend but just don’t expect to see me as usual.” At that moment, Mel, Val and Nora come out from the bar. Mel and Paula go to the bathroom while Val and Nora stay with me. Val asks me what happened and I tell her everything. She apologizes for having invited me out, not knowing this would’ve happened. It wasn’t her fault. No one would’ve known. Turns out Paula told Mel in the bathroom that I’d confessed to her but she really didn’t feel anything towards me. Like I said, real life isn’t a TV drama. She wasn’t in the bathroom saying, “I told him I wanted to be friends but I actually feel something more.”
So maybe part of me hoped that she would reciprocate the feelings I had for her. But another part of me also knew to expect the other answer. This wasn’t the ideal world and I did disappear on her for 18 months. The fact that she even responded the way she did was more than I deserved, I suppose. But referring to my previous entry, I think I made my self-exile from my group of friends official that night. While I did say I was content to remain friends, I’ve turned down any further invitations from Mel. But Mel and Val were courteous to say that if I ever needed anything, if I needed someone to talk to, I could always give them a call.
I’m just glad I got my feelings about Paula off my chest. Finally, I was able to erase one of those “what-ifs” from my life. And while it took 18 months, at least I was able to confess the feelings I had for her. Regardless of the outcome, I’m just satisfied I gathered the guts to take action. If I didn’t say something that night, heaven knows I would’ve taken it all the way to my grave. For so long, I wondered if she felt the same about me. It was a question that bothered me every night. I used to think about the day she came up to me after our graduation ceremony and told me about how she stopped talking to a photographer due to incompatibility. My counselor told me this maybe was a sign of her possibly showing interest in me. But being me, I never pursued the matter and let it sit for almost two years. Now, this conflict is finally resolved and I can finally put it behind me.
So yeah, I took a step I never thought I’d take. And while the results weren’t exactly what I’d hoped for, at least I got some form of closure. As cliché as this may sound, I can finally move on with my life. From staying at a job for six months to confessing feelings, you really don’t know what to expect from life. But it’s the little things that make you want to keep going; the little surprises that make you smile and appreciate the quality of being alive. The year 2020 has shown me that things can get really rough. But what truly matters is how you respond to it. If you get beaten down to your knees, do you stay down? Or do you get up and fight back? I should be the last person saying this, given that I chose to stay at Siam Fighting for six months, but I have to keep on fighting by unleashing the best version of myself at Bovine. This is how I fight the adversity that is 2020. As for love? I think I’ll give it a rest. I won’t go actively searching for it but if it’s close by, then perhaps I’ll give it a shot.
Letter IV: June 2, 2022
Hello again, I’m back. We’re far from over, dear reader. After all, the only certain thing in life is that nothing is certain. And the only constant is change. So here I am once again. It’s crazy to believe that since my very first entry, it’s been close to four years. Now I’m 27 years old and getting closer to 30. It all feels so surreal now that I’m actually living it out. But that’s life for you… or for me, I guess.
For the Money
In my previous entry, I started working at my current place of employment on September 16, 2020. As am writing this, I have been working there for 1 year and 9 months. In the three jobs I’ve worked since graduating college, I can now say this is the place where I’ve worked the longest. Yay! Initially, I was paid the same monthly salary as my two previous places of employment. Honestly, I didn’t really care I was grateful that I had a place to work after leaving my old job on bad terms.
But then a year passed, I eventually gleaned new knowledge regarding from my new job. Before long, I finally had a clear purpose. That also meant doing more work. Of course, doing more work, I was expecting a bump up in my pay. One year after I started, my monthly salary stayed the same so I kept waiting. Until February 2022 came along. My boss, the son of the company owner, asks me one morning what my current salary was. I told him and he is surprised at the amount I am making. Let’s just say it is less than what he was expecting to hear. He goes on to tell me that he’ll make sure it goes up. And wouldn’t you know it, I find that on my next paycheck that my salary has skyrocketed by a substantial amount! Hey, I’m very grateful for this pay raise and I make sure to give my 100% at work every day.
I’m going to get into why I’m bringing up the topic of pay up. When I first started working at my current company, I was taken under the wing of some people who had started there a year before me. They were experienced in sales work and were workaholics to an extent. Anyway, I remember a conversation they had with me about how the company had so much potential and that the owner was a swell guy who was worth working for. The latter part I can confidently affirm. But one of them also goes on about how he’s never in it for the pay and goes on to bash people who come into work to collect paychecks. Back then, I paid it no heed. Fastforward to now, I do take some issue with what he said.
I call bullshit on him saying that he’s not working for the money. I don’t know the exact amount he was or is making but I’m certain that he gets paid more than twice the amount I make per month. So with that said, he’s more than financially stable to provide for himself and his family. But I want to draw up a hypothetical situation. Let’s say the company had to cut costs and everyone’s salary had to be halved, hypothetically, including his. Would he still have the same mindset? Would he still say he doesn’t do it for the money? I highly doubt it. What I’m highly confident about is that I come to work every day to get paid. Every payment period, I’m expecting to see a new amount in my bank account. Hate me if you want, but what I do, I do it for the money. Yes, I’m just here to collect a paycheck but I also make sure I do my best at work.
Back in the Game (Briefly)
Near the end of 2021, I decided to get back into the dating game again. After the bittersweet conclusion to the Paula saga back in July 2020, I took some time off to heal from some shall we say… emotional wounds. All it took was an Instagram advertisement from the MMA gym with whom I had a membership to get me off the bench. As it turned out, a staff member from the aforementioned gym was used as a model in the ad and I found myself attracted.
So I reached out to the gym’s manager, who I was already acquainted with, and asked for details. It was a sort of like me asking, “Could you introduce us?” So she acquiesced to my request and I visited the gym in November 2021 to meet this girl. One thing that immediately stands out to me is that she’s way taller than me. I’m 165 centimeters (5’5”) while this girl towers over me at approximately 175 centimeters (5’9”). As if the height difference wasn’t enough, she’s got all the makings of a magazine cover girl. Aesthetically, this girl is way out of my league. But for some reason, my self-confidence is unusually high and I’m determined to get her to like me. Looking back, I laugh at that version of myself.
I remember the first two times we met, I went to go see her two days in a row on the weekend. It was a total of 15 hours that I spent with her at the gym. In retrospect, I may have come off as a bit of a creep. Granted, I hadn’t hit on anyone for over 9 years by then. She was really nice to me in all the time we spent together. Although this may have been because I was a customer of the gym and she was an employee, it’s difficult to determine.
Both my self-esteem and anxiety were tested when it came to our texting exchanges, which were few and far between. I’ll put it this way: if I sent three texts, she would reply with one. And while I would reply to her in less than a minute, she would take up to 7 hours to respond to me. Needless to say, it really messed with my mind.
Still, I was determined to go on a date with her. And eventually, I scored a first date with her early in December. We went to grab some coffee on her day off from work. Much to my chagrin, we mostly conversed about work and the date lasted an underwhelming one hour. Nevertheless, I scheduled a second date with her for Christmas. I won’t say it was a disaster but like the first date, it failed to live up to my expectations. The date lasted only an hour; she had another scheduled appointment. I found out later that she’d made that appointment after agreeing to have dinner with me. I suppose she wanted to keep the second date short. It doesn’t matter. Over the course of the dinner, she dropped a bombshell: she wasn’t looking for a committed relationship any time soon. This was when I decided we simply weren’t meant to be. And that was when I decided to end our correspondence in terms of pursuing a relationship.
During the New Year’s holiday, I was noticeably miserable and my dad decides to give me a pep talk of sorts. At the time I didn’t pay attention to it but I remember hearing ‘King Solomon’ and ‘this too shall pass’. So later, I googled those things and found an old fable. Anyway, I came to realize that any situation, be it good or bad, can't last forever. And it was what gave me the strength to move on from my failed attempt at a new relationship. Since then, I like to think that I live by the words ‘this too shall pass’.
As I’m writing this, it would be the last time I ever saw her in person. There’s no hard feelings between us and it’s just a case of two people wanting different things. She occasionally texts me about my wellbeing and asks me when I’ll return to the gym.
Still at the start of 2022, my sister implored me to give dating apps a try once more. I’d experimented with them back in early 2020 but ended up getting ghosted by a girl whom I’d matched with. Still, I figured it wouldn’t hurt trying again. My cousin who’d been visiting from the US had also told me two simple words: “Have fun.” So I scrolled through a list of profiles and tapped whichever one stuck out to me. After several days, I received a reply, a match.
This girl was a senior in college who was still going to classes online. I’m surprised by her fondness of Ancient Greek and Roman architecture in our first conversation. After just one day of talking on the app, she suggests we start texting each other. I don’t think I’ve ever met a girl so talkative about a wide variety of topics. We could talk about history, architecture and even sports. At that point, I thought there was so much potential with her. She was super friendly in our conversations, asking me about my day and sending me pictures about what she was having for lunch and dinner. It seemed as though the pieces would fall into place.
But then, life had to throw me another curveball. And this was one I was least expecting. First, the year before, she had contracted the COVID virus that had crippled the world beginning in 2020. So naturally, since she’d gotten better, I assumed she’d gotten her vaccinations. This was where things got weird. She told me she hadn’t gotten her shots. I asked her why, silently assuming she had an underlying condition that prevented her from getting the jab. What she said next would leave me speechless. She had refused to get vaccinated after seeing her friends suffer from hair loss after getting their jabs. Yeah, that was her reasoning. I understand now that vaccinations are a personal choice and everyone has their own right on whether to get vaccinated or not.
And so I realized that she probably was not the girl for me, despite her overwhelming friendliness and our mutual interests. She seemed to check nearly all the boxes. Nearly. Just when I thought things were going so well…
We continued to text although I was no longer entertaining the thought of pursuing a relationship with her. About a month in, she asks me how I feel about her. Honestly, I wasn’t sure mostly because we hadn’t met in person. And that was on me because I wasn’t willing to meet her unless she got vaccinated. So I told her I couldn’t give her an answer. She then tells me I shouldn’t like her because someone else has already told her that they liked her. At that moment, I feel like I’ve been freed. Then I tell her to go with it and we stop texting.
She did text me again once asking how I was doing a little over a month ago. She seemed to be doing well with the guy she’s going out with. I told her that I thought there was some potential between the two of us, although she said that I was difficult to get through to; as if I’d built a wall around myself. Perhaps that’s the case with me. And all I can say to that is that maybe I haven’t found the right person willing to spend time to break down that wall around me.
Either way, despite how things ended with both girls, I’m glad they happened the way they did. Because the experiences have helped me grow emotionally. And as the old fable says, ‘this too shall pass’. And hopefully one day, I find that girl because I now realize that, while I cherish the single solitary life, I also yearn for love.
Letter V: August 13, 2023
So it’s been over a year since Part IV and so many things have happened since then, both bad and good. While I was pretty good at my initial job at Bovine Beverage, I admit that sometimes it got a little too much for me to handle. My original department supervised over 200 staff members who worked in the field and it was my job to submit their requests to enter online data regarding partner stores yada-yada. But yeah, sometimes it got a bit overwhelming. So in April 2022, my family goes on a long holiday to Hawaii. I’d never been there my entire life and this was my first time travelling overseas since COVID hit. Nevertheless, I was in paradise once we landed. I’d never felt happier, enjoying every moment I was in the Rainbow State. But of course, it all had to come to an end.
But I was a different person once we landed in Bangkok. For some reason, I’d developed an extreme irrational fear of COVID. I don’t know why but for some reason, I was afraid to catch it. While other people were wearing just face masks, I was wearing a face mask and a face shield. Looking back, it was definitely overkill and I was definitely paranoid. Perhaps I was scared because the greatest fear of them all is the fear of the unknown. And at the time, I didn’t know what it was like to get COVID. My colleagues were also aware of my ever-growing paranoia and while they joked about it, they were also kind enough to ease my fears at the same time. If someone in our department had so much as a cough or sore throat, they’d keep their distance from me. Nevertheless, I continued doing my work in my department up until November 2022. By then, I had been considering resigning from Bovine and exploring other options. But the problem was… I didn’t have any other options yet. I honestly just planned on quitting and taking an extended break.
But then, one of the company executives informs me that I’m being transferred to a new department. To this day, I have no clue what it does but from what I can gather, it was basically a centralized department where all the subdepartments of the sales channels in the company meet. I regret saying yes at her proposition. But it wasn’t like I could decline either. About less than two months in, one of the younger guys working in the department takes me aside and lets me help him work on a more digital-based project instead. It has to do with enhancing the B2B aspect of the company. He believes it’s better than having me sit for the entire office day in long-ass meetings. And at first, it seems to go well. My job mainly consists of approving artwork and captions that will be published on texting apps. Truth be told, I’m working close to 15 minutes a day. And before I know it, I’m one step closer to becoming the thing I swore not to become: a nepo baby who only got the job because of his father’s connections.
At that same time, my mind is strolling down a rather dark path. Perhaps it’s the long time I’ve spent at Bovine Beverages finally wearing down on me. Not only do I talk about offing myself to my family, but I also entertain the idea of erasing certain individuals at the office. Sometimes, I feel so angry that I want to act out on certain people at the office who I perceive to be bullies, regardless of whether or not they have families to support. Doesn’t matter to me, I just wanted to know what it felt like to take a life. And it might as well be a life I deemed worthless. So many thoughts swirled in my mind: from detonating an explosive on the top floor (where all the executives worked) to using a firearm on all floors of the office building. I was in a very dark and twisted place in my mind. It was a combination of lacking direction and the imbalance of chemicals in my brain that perhaps causes this. That was when my dad and sister intervened. They had me go see a psychologist who, after hearing what I had to say, put me on a good old dose of Lexapro. I can say I’ve been feeling much better since then and those thoughts are locked away.
So my birthday rolls around and my friends from college, especially Mel and Val, are very eager to host a dinner for me. So I got Val to schedule a date one week after my actual birthday at a nearby Western restaurant and the guest list includes my sister, Mel, Flora, Val, and Madison. My friends gift me with a custom t-shirt consisting of pictures of me and my Labrador, which I really loved. But I was starting to feel a little strange that night. A sore throat was flaring up but I chalked it up to the McDonald’s french fries I had for lunch. I went to bed that night, expecting to wake up feeling a little better. Instead, I woke up feeling a lot worse. My head and body were aching, my throat wasn’t feeling any better. At first, due to the dark clouds outside, I thought it was a result of the drastic weather change. So I rest on the living room couch and try sleep it off. An hour later, I don’t feel any better. So something tells me to go to my room and take an ATK test. I do a saliva test to make absolutely sure. In less than 5 minutes, I am absolutely shocked when I see two lines appear, indicating a positive COVID test. For over two years, I had evaded the virus but it had finally caught up with me. Game over.
I call my sister to let her know I had caught COVID. She sends me all the proper medication and tells me to isolate for 5 days. Bless her soul. I also key in my sick leave days at the office because of this. But much to my dismay, my requests for a sick leave are disapproved. When I call HR for an explanation, it turns out that the company had a new policy where you needed a doctor’s note for COVID to get approved for sick leave. When I tried telling them that I had all the necessary medication and seeing a doctor would not be necessary, they shot me down and said I needed a note no matter what. I was fuming at that point but had no choice. So I took a motorbike taxi to a nearby clinic to procure a note to finally get those damn sick days approved. I felt bad for exposing those motorbike taxis to the virus.
Afterwards, I lay in my bed still angry with HR. I had so many bad words swirling in my head. Eventually, I got my laptop and opened Adobe Illustrator. From there, I got to designing a t-shirt that basically cursed HR. The funny part? That t-shirt actually got made. Along with 9 other t-shirts. So that turned out to be a productive session where I designed 10 custom t-shirts for myself. The reason I mention this incident is because it was the beginning of my inspiration of starting a clothing line.
When my isolation ended and I returned to work, I had a new perspective. I was no longer paranoid and I was more lively. I found myself starting the podcast I’d long talked about wanting to start since 2020. For a long time, I pondered what my podcast would be about. But the answer was right in front of me. My passion was and had always been combat sports. So I started a podcast about combat sports. Using the smartphone my dad had gotten for my birthday, a pair of discount headphones, and a tripod I found in the street market, I’d built myself my first podcast setup. And on June 17, 2023, I recorded the first episode to my podcast. A second episode followed the next day. Since then, I’ve upgraded my setup with a new microphone.
But there were still issues at work. From 15 minutes of work a day, I felt that it had gone down to 5 minutes a day. There were many instances where I was sleeping at the office. Like I said, I’d become the very thing I hated: the nepo kid who got in because of his dad’s good graces. With the podcast, at least I was able to fill my free time editing videos. Also, with the clothing venture, I could experiment with different designs and colors. But then, the company issued another policy. No outside work was to be done on company property. This was when I made what will soon be a life-changing decision. Near the end of July 2023, I approached the head of the sales department and asked him the steps I needed to take if I wanted to resign. I told him I was ready to leave and commit to my podcast on a fulltime basis. If I had to choose between the podcast or my 9-to-5, I would choose the podcast. And I would make sure that I would expand my content so that I could continue to draw in more audiences. Before I knew it, I’d filled out the resignation forms and I’m due to come in for my last day of work on August 28, 2023.
One day, out of the blue, I decided to invite my friends over to my renovated home for dinner. I wanted them to see my new place and to meet my dog. Of the four people invited, three accepted the invitation: Mel, Val, and Paula. Flora already had a prior engagement. Deep down, I wanted to meet Paula again after not seeing her for three years. Paula said in the group chat that she would probably be late. So I meet up with Mel and Val first and we have dinner at my house. This is where the fun begins. It turns out that both Mel and Val are no longer as close to Paula as they were before. “It’s not that I hate her,” Val said, “It’s that I’m disappointed in her.” When I ask her to elaborate, it turns out that Paula had some difficulty finding a job to her liking after getting her master’s in the UK. So she asked Val to refer her to Val’s new workplace. When the place offered her the same salary as Val, Paula asked Val to get the company to bump the number up. It took a while but I assumed they got the number to Paula’s liking. But then Paula wasn’t happy with the vacation days she got. Having worked in Thailand for 5 years now, I’ve learned not to expect many vacation days, especially in your first year. Paula still asked Val to ask her employers if there was any way they could increase the number of vacation days. When there was no way around it, Paula unashamedly asked Val to ask her employers that if she were to decline their offer, would they still make it available if she were to come back? The entire time, Paula was sweet-talking Val as if they were the best of friends. Now spoiler alert, Paula found another job that checked all her boxes. And afterwards, she disappeared on both Val and Mel.
Now I’d long gotten over Paula in terms of love but I was curious and asked Mel about her status. Mel told me that Paula did in fact have a boyfriend. He was five years younger and was the son of a local politician in the eastern region of the country. The two had met while she was studying for her master’s in the UK. What’s crazier is that she started dating him two weeks after he’d broken up with his girlfriend, which makes me wonder how she’d had her eyes on him. Now, this next part I don’t know if Val said this just to get me riled up but she told me that some time after I confessed my feelings to Paula, Paula said to her that there was just no way she would’ve ever chosen me. Knowing her true nature now, I guess I dodged a bullet. And I hope she finds the happiness she’s looking for.
And I just want to say it again, the greatest fear of all is the fear of the unknown. I’m afraid of life after quitting my 9-to-5. Or rather, I’m afraid of what to expect. For five years, I’ve worked in the 9-to-5, clocking in at 9 AM and then clocking out at 6 PM. After August, it’s going to be a whole different world for me. I’ll be setting the rules and the work hours from now on. Truth be told, I never thought my dream of working as a YouTuber would come true. But to be fair, my channel has yet to become monetizable. But I do love what I do on YouTube, whether it’s the podcast or covering fight events on-site. It’s kind of like what I would’ve gotten to do at Siam Fighting but with my own rules and no boundaries holding back. So despite my fear, there is also a lot of excitement and I am looking forward to what comes next.
Letter VI: September 23, 2023
Greetings dear reader, we meet again. So it’s been just a little over one month since my last entry. It’s been almost a month since I quit my 9-to-5 at Bovine Beverages to do my own thing. I’ve really been enjoying the podcast. Sure, I have yet to generate any income and the channel has yet to become eligible for monetization. But it still doesn’t make doing this any less fun. Since starting the podcast in June 17, 2023, my YouTube channel has 35 videos.
During the time period leading up to me quitting my 9-to-5, I went to a press conference promoting a blockbuster fight event set to take place in November of 2023. This was where I met up with some old acquaintances I hadn’t seen in nearly two years. Furthermore, I decided to spoil myself by buying tickets to this event and booking a reservation at the hotel where it would take place. It would be where both work and vacation converged. Furthermore, on September of 2023, I was able to invite a guest onto my podcast for the first time, which had long been a dream of mine. So yes, being my own boss has been working out well so far. The only thing I have left to worry about now is money.
I have no animosity whatsoever towards Bovine Beverages but I feel like quitting my job at the company was one of the best decisions I’ve made. For the first time, I’m truly chasing my dream and doing something I’m very passionate about. I figured I had a knack of doing online content-related work since working at Siam Fighting but so many boundaries held me back. And now, I’m finally creating my own content and publishing it online, whether it’s on YouTube or social media.
Now, the question I used to always ask myself when writing these letters: am I still introverted? I’m surprised at how much I’ve changed since recovering from COVID. From making excuses as to why I won’t be able to go to dinner with friends, I’m now always eager to meet up with my friends. And these aren’t just my college friends, but people I’ve met at different points of my life. Whether during summer internship or former colleagues, I’ve found that I’ve been getting back in touch with many people and telling them that we should catch up. To be honest, I really like this version of myself.
I guess all that time spent in isolation and lying in bed left me with a lot to think about. In particular, I thought about the many things I wanted to do in this life. One of those things included the podcast. But there were also other things like re-establishing ties with past acquaintances. For most of my life, I’ve met many people but let them slip away into obscurity as I’ve moved from one point in my life to another. And that’s just a part of me I didn’t like. It was the heavily introverted side of me. Perhaps I can go as far as to say that part of me is almost completely gone now.
As I’ve gotten back in touch with many friends, I’ve realized so many things have also changed. Several people in my university class have gotten married. I think two already have kids. But none of them are my close friends. That was until I recently met up with Madison for dinner. In my first entry, Madison was my very first crush in college. But she didn’t reciprocate my feelings and we’ve ended up being good friends since then. So as it turns out, Madison is scheduled to marry her boyfriend of six years some time within the next year. This has made me realize how far I’ve fallen behind in terms of love and romantic relationships.
In my class, a lot of people have paired up and are on the verge of getting married. Then you have me, the single black sheep. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m sad. But hearing that Madison, one of my closer friends in college, was getting married. It sounded so surreal. At the same time, I couldn’t be happier for her. Because if there’s anyone in my college who deserves a happy ending, it’s Madison.
Now, this announcement was made during a dinner that also included my sister and a mutual friend of ours named Janice. Janice was actually a co-MC who won the same competition as Madison back in our freshman year of college. She studied Psychology at our university and was an alumnus of my school in Bangkok. Furthermore, she met my sister at a leadership program in Thailand, which Madison and myself also attended. Long story short, Janice ended up becoming a close friend of Madison and my sister.
I can’t say this enough: Janice is a very sweet, kind and beautiful young woman. Much so that my sister is fond of her and has gone as far as to encourage me to try and hit on her. But of course, she has made it clear that I do need to make some improvements to myself first. Sure, I’ve come a long way from where I was before. But I still have some more to go before I’m in any condition to flirt with Janice. And I couldn’t agree more with my sister. A lot of times, I think Janice is too good for me.
But what I often ask myself is: “Do I like Janice?” To answer it simply, yes. I do like Janice. But do I like her to the point of wanting to ask her out and potentially begin a relationship? I honestly don’t know the answer to that yet. While I have said before that I’ve tried not to seek out love, I’ve been finding myself yearning for it as well. It’s so contradictory, right? And with a girl like Janice… it just makes this whole thing more difficult. One, she’s my friend. Two, she’s my sister’s friend.
I’m not entirely sure if I want to remain just friends with her or try and take things to the next level with Janice. My sister has certainly encouraged me to try. Because I’ll be honest, girls like Janice are one in a million. And no, I’m not saying this because I’m blinded by love so I’m spouting cheesy lines. I really have yet to meet another girl like her. I guess that’s why my sister sees so much in Janice and I can understand why my sister likes her.
Yet at the same time, I wonder how low Janice would be sinking if she came down to my level? I don’t know, I’m not sure how I’d rate myself. I’ve given it a start, trying to text Janice frequently. But I know that’s far from enough and I’ll have to keep making an effort to show I care. I’ll have to do so much more. As to whether I truly I like Janice that much… I have yet to find out on my own. If she does reciprocate my actions, it’d be great. If not, that’s fine too. In the event that Janice and I do end up together, I’d be the luckiest guy on Planet Earth!
But I just want to repeat something I said in a previous entry, the greatest fear of all is the fear of the unknown. And I don’t want to be afraid not knowing how things would play out between Janice and me. Which is why I’m trying to reach out to Janice more than I usually would, despite there being a high chance of rejection or simply no reciprocation from her side. But you know what? That would be better than if I had done nothing at all. And so from this point onward, I’ll just try my best with Janice. Because we only have one life and I intend to make the most out of it.
