An Open Letter to Myself, Pt. VI

Note: All names have been changed for anonymity.

Greetings dear reader, we meet again. So it’s been just a little over one month since my last entry. It’s been almost a month since I quit my 9-to-5 at Bovine Beverages to do my own thing. I’ve really been enjoying the podcast. Sure, I have yet to generate any income and the channel has yet to become eligible for monetization. But it still doesn’t make doing this any less fun. Since starting the podcast in June 17, 2023, my YouTube channel has 35 videos.

During the time period leading up to me quitting my 9-to-5, I went to a press conference promoting a blockbuster fight event set to take place in November of 2023. This was where I met up with some old acquaintances I hadn’t seen in nearly two years. Furthermore, I decided to spoil myself by buying tickets to this event and booking a reservation at the hotel where it would take place. It would be where both work and vacation converged. Furthermore, on September of 2023, I was able to invite a guest onto my podcast for the first time, which had long been a dream of mine. So yes, being my own boss has been working out well so far. The only thing I have left to worry about now is money.

I have no animosity whatsoever towards Bovine Beverages but I feel like quitting my job at the company was one of the best decisions I’ve made. For the first time, I’m truly chasing my dream and doing something I’m very passionate about. I figured I had a knack of doing online content-related work since working at Siam Fighting but so many boundaries held me back. And now, I’m finally creating my own content and publishing it online, whether it’s on YouTube or social media.

Now, the question I used to always ask myself when writing these letters: am I still introverted? I’m surprised at how much I’ve changed since recovering from COVID. From making excuses as to why I won’t be able to go to dinner with friends, I’m now always eager to meet up with my friends. And these aren’t just my college friends, but people I’ve met at different points of my life. Whether during summer internship or former colleagues, I’ve found that I’ve been getting back in touch with many people and telling them that we should catch up. To be honest, I really like this version of myself.

I guess all that time spent in isolation and lying in bed left me with a lot to think about. In particular, I thought about the many things I wanted to do in this life. One of those things included the podcast. But there were also other things like re-establishing ties with past acquaintances. For most of my life, I’ve met many people but let them slip away into obscurity as I’ve moved from one point in my life to another. And that’s just a part of me I didn’t like. It was the heavily introverted side of me. Perhaps I can go as far as to say that part of me is almost completely gone now.

As I’ve gotten back in touch with many friends, I’ve realized so many things have also changed. Several people in my university class have gotten married. I think two already have kids. But none of them are my close friends. That was until I recently met up with Madison for dinner. In my first entry, Madison was my very first crush in college. But she didn’t reciprocate my feelings and we’ve ended up being good friends since then. So as it turns out, Madison is scheduled to marry her boyfriend of six years some time within the next year. This has made me realize how far I’ve fallen behind in terms of love and romantic relationships.

In my class, a lot of people have paired up and are on the verge of getting married. Then you have me, the single black sheep. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m sad. But hearing that Madison, one of my closer friends in college, was getting married. It sounded so surreal. At the same time, I couldn’t be happier for her. Because if there’s anyone in my college who deserves a happy ending, it’s Madison.

Now, this announcement was made during a dinner that also included my sister and a mutual friend of ours named Janice. Janice was actually a co-MC who won the same competition as Madison back in our freshman year of college. She studied Psychology at our university and was an alumnus of my school in Bangkok. Furthermore, she met my sister at a leadership program in Thailand, which Madison and myself also attended. Long story short, Janice ended up becoming a close friend of Madison and my sister.

I can’t say this enough: Janice is a very sweet, kind and beautiful young woman. Much so that my sister is fond of her and has gone as far as to encourage me to try and hit on her. But of course, she has made it clear that I do need to make some improvements to myself first. Sure, I’ve come a long way from where I was before. But I still have some more to go before I’m in any condition to flirt with Janice. And I couldn’t agree more with my sister. A lot of times, I think Janice is too good for me.

But what I often ask myself is: “Do I like Janice?” To answer it simply, yes. I do like Janice. But do I like her to the point of wanting to ask her out and potentially begin a relationship? I honestly don’t know the answer to that yet. While I have said before that I’ve tried not to seek out love, I’ve been finding myself yearning for it as well. It’s so contradictory, right? And with a girl like Janice… it just makes this whole thing more difficult. One, she’s my friend. Two, she’s my sister’s friend.

I’m not entirely sure if I want to remain just friends with her or try and take things to the next level with Janice. My sister has certainly encouraged me to try. Because I’ll be honest, girls like Janice are one in a million. And no, I’m not saying this because I’m blinded by love so I’m spouting cheesy lines. I really have yet to meet another girl like her. I guess that’s why my sister sees so much in Janice and I can understand why my sister likes her.

Yet at the same time, I wonder how low Janice would be sinking if she came down to my level? I don’t know, I’m not sure how I’d rate myself. I’ve given it a start, trying to text Janice frequently. But I know that’s far from enough and I’ll have to keep making an effort to show I care. I’ll have to do so much more. As to whether I truly I like Janice that much… I have yet to find out on my own. If she does reciprocate my actions, it’d be great. If not, that’s fine too. In the event that Janice and I do end up together, I’d be the luckiest guy on Planet Earth!

But I just want to repeat something I said in a previous entry, the greatest fear of all is the fear of the unknown. And I don’t want to be afraid not knowing how things would play out between Janice and me. Which is why I’m trying to reach out to Janice more than I usually would, despite there being a high chance of rejection or simply no reciprocation from her side. But you know what? That would be better than if I had done nothing at all. And so from this point onward, I’ll just try my best with Janice. Because we only have one life and I intend to make the most out of it.