An Open Letter to Myself, Pt. III

I didn’t expect for there to be a third part to all this. But then again, nothing is certain. So here I am once more. And chances are that we are far from the end. Like the previous two parts, I’m going to ask myself the same question. Is it difficult to maintain a positive outlook on life? Yes, it’s an uphill battle to try and see the good in life. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. For every cloud, there’s always a silver lining. And I still find that it’s the small things that make life worth appreciating.  

            So where do I begin? I’m currently working my third job since graduating college, my second job of the year 2020. I did end up leaving Siam Piwat to work for Thai Fight. My stint with the Muay Thai company lasted all of six months. Yes, six months. Not even a year. I began working at Thai Fight on February 3, 2020 before walking out of the office for the last time on August 28, 2020. Not once did I go to a Muay Thai event they hosted due to the severity of the coronavirus pandemic. Perhaps it was best I never got to go.

            Going into Thai Fight, I noticed so many red flags with this so-called “organization”. Expecting the office to be a building of some kind, I was greeted with a four-story house. Thai Fight was a home office where the bottom three floors were working space. “Okay, I guess it’s about the quality of the staff,” I thought to myself. Then came the second red flag, the HR guy. Handing in my documents, dude has me sit down for a conversation about how he was tasked with the honorable job of holding down the top rope for the fighters at events, how he served in the army, and how he was the company owner’s brother-in-law. Um, okay?

            Three days into the job, my team and I had a meeting that finished late. So we didn’t get to cleaning up the room. Next day, HR guy calls us individually to talk. When it comes my turn, a colleague warns me, “Whatever he says, stay calm.” I think to myself, “This isn’t good.” As I go to his office, I carry my water bottle that I had just filled up with me. He looks at me and at it as I enter his office. When I sit, he asks, “New water bottle?” Before I answer, he continues, “You know you’re not respecting me by bringing your bottle into my office.” What the actual fuck? But he’s not done. He goes on about how our office was a mess and how we’d been noisy during our meeting (guess people aren’t allowed to have a good laugh). But what really pissed me off was when he said these words to me: “Don’t let your actions affect your father’s image.” Fuck you, man! Right then and there, I decided that this HR guy was my enemy. Whatever he did, friendly or hostile, I would hate him.

            I talked with my colleagues about this and it’s no surprise to them. Apparently, HR guy had always been this big of a douche. I guess he thinks just because the owner is married to his sister, it gives him absolute power. But the shenanigans with him don’t end there. Whenever people want to take a leave day, he’ll pry for answers. If someone wants to take a personal day, he’ll ask where they are going and what they are going to do. Now I’m no HR expert, but I’m pretty sure that’s none of his damn business. I could keep going on about this dude but it would take forever. In short, he’s an unqualified piece of shit who only got his job because of family connections.

            Next, the company owner. We’re talking about a guy who talks a big talk but doesn’t do a lot of walking, if you know what I mean. I remember the first time I met him, I was wearing a t-shirt from ONE Championship. If you’ve read my past parts, you’ll know I’m a huge ONE Championship fan. Almost immediately, he proceeds to talk shit about the organization. Something about how their TV ratings in Thailand were so low and that were going to go under sooner or later. And this was just the beginning. Once I started working for him, he’d always find a reason to start a conversation about ONE Championship and it was always negative. For his part, he talked about doing a lot of big projects under the Thai Fight brand that never came to fruition e.g. a hotel, an energy drink, a restaurant and a night club. So I really think he needs to take a seat. From now on, I’ll never believe a single word he says. I’m done with him and all his talk.

            But like I said, there were the little things that made it better. For starters, my colleagues at Thai Fight were about the same age as I was. You had P’Chief who graduated from college in Australia and had been working at the company for a year. There was Eiaw, who was a Kasetsart University alumnus and was also at Thai Fight for a year. Honestly, I still think she was the most beautiful of all my colleagues. You have Jaguar (aka Ja), the youngest of us all, and the kid who always gave me a lift to the subway station. Bless that kid, she was always my closest confidant in that office. And last but not least, there was Namdaeng, an alumnus of Chulalongkorn University like me but from the Faculty of Arts. These were pleasant people to be around and made great gossip company.   

            Six months in Thai Fight had never felt so long. For comparison, I worked at Siam Piwat for 14 months and felt that they flew by faster. I was part of the new-established “online team” composed of five people. But the owner wanted to us to do the work of twenty people. Every week or two, he would ask why the UFC or ONE Championship were able to put up quality online content whereas we couldn’t. The answer is simple: They have a stacked team of staff who have a clear idea of what they’re doing and had all the expensive tools at their disposal. As for us, we were working in the dark with limited tools and getting contradictory instructions.

            A lifeline was thrown to me when my father approached me in late July 2020 about how his friend, the owner of the Carabao Energy Drink, had offered a job after hearing of my woes at Thai Fight. I was hesitant at first and thought about maybe staying until the first event, scheduled for September 19. But eventually, I chose to hand in my resignation effective on August 28. After a less-than-stellar job interview with the head of the marketing department, I was finally able to start working with Carabao on September 16, 2020. The people here seem nice and can lean towards funny when there’s no pressure. I know it won’t be smooth sailing but I hope things will get better from now on.   

            Now, to the biggest update I have this year: love life. You really never know what to expect in life. One year ago, I thought I would never see Palita again. I made a point that I never wanted to see that group of friends again. But guess what happened? I did see that group of friends again. And I got to see Palita again after 18 months. I didn’t expect it to happen but it did. And I sure didn’t expect for the following events to play out.

            So out of the blue, on July 13, Mint calls me while I’m at work. She asks if I’m interested in coming to a reunion dinner and drinks that evening. Everyone would be there, minus Fai. By now, you know what I’m going to say. At first, I make an excuse about having to work six days a week at Thai Fight and that I was drained. Vivie actually chimes in on the call begging for me to come. I still insist that I was too tired and wouldn’t be able to make it. So they back off and it appears I won’t be going. But then I start doubting my decision. I call Mint back and ask her, “Look, I know it’s weird that I’m asking but… is Palita still single?” She tells me that Palita had always been single ever since talking to that guy from our third year in college. I continue our conversation, going on about how I still have unresolved feelings about Palita. Mint says if it were her, she wouldn’t want to leave things unresolved and would rather have some closure. At that moment, I decided I was going to go to that dinner.        

            So I’m sitting in the car with Jaguar, waiting to arrive at the subway. Traffic is unusually bad today and I’m just eager to get to the dinner. As we approach the entrance where I’m supposed to get off, I say to my colleague, “I think I’m about to do something stupid tonight.” With that, I boarded the subway train and was well on my way towards seeing someone I hadn’t seen in well over a year. When I got to the restaurant, none of my friends were to be seen. Turns out they were on the second floor. So I climbed a flight of stairs and I saw her. There she was, in all her beauty. Those 18 months had barely changed her. Everyone was busy conversing and it took me clearing my throat to get their attention.

            We get to catching up as I make myself comfortable next to Palita. For the first time in 18 months, I talk to her just like we were back in college. So many thoughts are rushing through my head in that moment. Do I keep my cool? Do I resolve the thing that’s been bothering me this whole time? I don’t have time to make a decision as the group decides to leave the restaurant and go to a bar for drinks. Guess getting things off my chest will have to wait.

            When we finally get settled at the bar, I sit silently with an occasional sip from my glass of water. The entire time, my eyes are fixated on Palita, who is sitting across from me. Sounds creepy, I know, but I was actually thinking about what to say or what to do next. Hell, I’d finally made some progress by agreeing to come to dinner with my college friends after a long absence. At this point, I was thinking it was now or never. I was most likely never going to come out with my friends again after this. So I got up from the table and went outside, took out my phone and texted Palita to come meet me outside because I had to talk to her.

            My heart was pumping rapidly in my chest. It really felt like one of those moments where my heart was about through burst through. She texts back saying she’ll be right out. Now my heart races even more. This was it, no turning back. When she exits the front door and approaches me, I get to explaining my 18-month absence. I tell her how I felt bummed out when I found out she was talking to a guy in our third year and then to another guy during our graduation. Simply put, I was jealous. I said something along the lines of, “I know it’s been over a year and I owe you an explanation for disappearing. Truth is I really like you.” Understandably, she is stunned for a moment. But she is quick to respond with, “Oh, I see. But are you okay if we continued being friends?”

            That’s the thing. I don’t know what I was expecting. Real life isn’t a television drama where a guy tells a girl he likes her after ghosting her for over a year and the girl tells him she feels the same. No, it doesn’t work like that. So that was her answer. She didn’t feel towards me the way I felt towards her. I answered her by saying, “Of course, I disappeared for a year, didn’t I?” It was a lie. Perhaps it was my way of saying, “Yeah, I’ll be your friend but just don’t expect to see me as usual.” At that moment, Mint, Vivie and Nan come out from the bar. Mint and Palita go to the bathroom while Vivie and Nan stay with me. Vivie asks me what happened and I tell her everything. She apologizes for having invited me out, not knowing this would’ve happened. It wasn’t her fault. No one would’ve known. Turns out Palita told Mint in the bathroom that I’d confessed to her but she really didn’t feel anything towards me. Like I said, real life isn’t a TV drama. She wasn’t in the bathroom saying, “I told him I wanted to be friends but I actually feel something more.”

            So maybe part of me hoped that she would reciprocate the feelings I had for her. But another part of me also knew to expect the other answer. This wasn’t the ideal world and I did disappear on her for 18 months. The fact that she even responded the way she did was more than I deserved, I suppose. But referring to my previous entry, I think I made my self-exile from my group of friends official that night. While I did say I was content to remain friends, I’ve turned down any further invitations from Mint. But Mint and Vivie were courteous to say that if I ever needed anything, if I needed someone to talk to, I could always give them a call.

            I’m just glad I got my feelings about Palita off my chest. Finally, I was able to erase one of those “what-ifs” from my life. And while it took 18 months, at least I was able to confess the feelings I had for her. Regardless of the outcome, I’m just satisfied I gathered the guts to take action. If I didn’t say something that night, heaven knows I would’ve taken it all the way to my grave. For so long, I wondered if she felt the same about me. It was a question that bothered me every night. I used to think about the day she came up to me after our graduation ceremony and told me about how she stopped talking to a photographer due to incompatibility. My counselor told this maybe this was a sign of her possibly showing interest in me. But being me, I never pursued the matter and let it sit for almost two years. Now, this conflict is finally resolved and I can finally put it behind me.      

            So yeah, I took a step I never thought I’d take. And while the results weren’t exactly what I’d hoped for, at least I got some form of closure. As cliché as this may sound, I can finally move on with my life. From staying at a job for six months to confessing feelings, you really don’t know what to expect from life. But it’s the little things that make you want to keep going; the little surprises that make you smile and appreciate the quality of being alive. The year 2020 has shown me that things can get really rough. But what truly matters is how you respond to it. If you get beaten down to your knees, do you stay down? Or do you get up and fight back? I should be the last person saying this, given that I chose to stay at Thai Fight for six months, but I have to keep on fighting by unleashing the best version of myself at Carabao. This is how I fight the adversity that is 2020. As for love? I think I’ll give it a rest. I won’t go actively searching for it but if it’s close by, then perhaps I’ll give it a shot.